Post by RitaLittlewood on Apr 14, 2006 19:01:32 GMT
This was written after Barbara Knox got her Lifetime Achievement Award at the 2004 Soap Awards. Fact and fiction tend to blur at bit, though Barbara and her previous awards were the inspiration. Just think of Reet as a real person rather than a character:
It was a gloriously wet May day in 2004 when the entire casts of Ritanation Street, DesperateEnders, Quacks etc attended the annual Soap Awards in London. Reet waited in her hotel room for the limo
to arrive. "Norris!" she yelled at the wall. "Get in here this minute!"
A few seconds later the connecting door opened as Norris rushed through trying to do up his bow-tie. "Yes, Reet?" he panted.
"Put that on me, peasant!" she demanded as she thrust her arm out and punched him in the stomach with her fist. She smiled as she watched him adorn her wrist with her favourite charm bracelet which had the two Oracle scrolls and TV Times awards hanging off it. "Time to add some more at last tonight," she grinned. "About flamin' time. Don't them who select nominations know owt about talent?"
"You're only up for one award," Norris unhelpfully pointed out.
"Oh, shurrup, peasant!" she yelled as she hit him. "Not my fault them judges and public are imbeciles like you are." The phone rang. "Get that, moron."
He sighed and picked it up. "Yes? I'll tell her. Bye."
"Who were that?" Reet wondered.
"The car's here," he replied.
"At last!" she cried excitedly. "Come on. Let's get me that Best Actress award! It's been a very long 14 years."
"Can you just help me with my tie first?" he nervously asked.
"Oh course, Norris," she beamed.
"Reet! It's too tight! I can't breathe!" he croaked.
"Oh sorry. I got a bit carried away," she told him before tying it properly and sweeping out.
"I bet you did(!)" he muttered worringly as he duly followed.
As the limo slowly drew up to the red carpet, Reet looked out the window at the awaiting mob. "Look at 'em, Norris. All me adoring fans."
"I thought they were only there because they applied for free tickets," he remarked.
"Cynic!" she said, hitting him across the head with her charms. "Yer'll see how much they all love me."
The car stopped and the chauffeur opened the door. "Here we go, peasant. Make sure yer keep 'em from mobbing me." Norris rolled his eyes and said nothing. Reet grinned her way up the carpet to
absolute silence. Norris, deep down, was delighted. She scowled at the crowd when they cheered but not at her and stomped inside. She spotted cameras and went over. "I expect yer want to interview me."
"No," they chorused and rushed over to a DesperateEnders actress just about wearing a frock.
"Typical!" she seethed. "Bunch of perverts!"
"Told you," Norris gloated.
"Oh, shurrup and fetch us some vodka!" she barked. "It's over there," she pointed, deliberately hitting him over the head with her previous awards again.
The evening dragged on as DesperateEnders accepted award after award. Reet dozed off through boredom.
"Now it's time for our Lifetime Achievement award," the host was saying. "And to present it is a legend of Ritanation Street. Let's hear it for Lily Savage. I mean, Bet Gilroy!" There was muted applause.
Reet gave a loud snore which prompted laughs from the audience, a snarl from Bet and a poke in the ribs from Norris. "Watch it, peasant!" she snapped. "Got to my Best Actress award yet?"
He shook his head. "Lifetime Achievement."
"Flamin' 'eck!" she cursed. "Why do they keep us waiting so long? No wonder I fell asleep. Bet I'm not
t'only one. What's she doing here?"
"Presenting the award," Norris replied.
"Well, I pity whoever gets the Past-It award. Thankfully no one would dare insult me like that."
"This is a woman," Bet was reading from the autocue, "who I had the pleasure of working with for many years. And someone I have the privilege of calling a true pal."
"She never had no pals," Reet snorted.
"Let's see her at work," Bet finished as the lights dimmed, the clips began and Reet's jaw dropped to the floor.
"The bastards! I'll have the head of whoever's done this to me chopped off and turned into a football!"
"Look at it this way. At least if you don't win Best Actress, you won't be going home empty handed," Norris offered. She glared at him and he went cold, knowing that look meant he'd suffer terribly at some point.
The clips finished and the lights came up. "Ladies and gentlemen," Bet announced. "I give yer the one and
only Reet Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan!"
Reet grimaced at the standing ovation, many other actors and actresses relieved their name hadn't been read out. She made her way down the steps with a forced smile and a face as red as her hair was once or twice a long time ago. She snatched it out of Bet's hand. "Don't think all that crawling will get yer a job on Ritanation Street," she hissed. "They don't know yer were talking out of yer backside like I do." She then stepped up to the microphone. "Thanks for this insult, yer bastards! I'm not past it yet! Not by a long chalk! I'll outlive the lot of yer!" And with that she stormed off before returning to her seat to await the announcement of the award she anxiously wanted to prove the cynics wrong. Finally it came.
"And the winner of the Best Actress award for 2004 is..." the Z-list celeb was saying as Reet prepared to go up and accept it. "Karen MacDonald. Ritanation Street!" Karen cried as she went to collect it.
"Right," Reet fumed. "First thing Monday she's sacked!"
"Isn't that a bit unfair?" Norris asked.
"She STOLE my award! It's all a fix! Well, I'll make sure they never fix it again!"
"Never mind," he tried reassuring to endless glares. "There's still the after-show party to go to."
"If yer think I'm going there to have that lot rub me nose in it, yer dafter than I always thought yer were!" she barked.
"It's free alcohol," he pointed out.
"That's beside the point," she defended. "Though maybe yer right. Might as well show me face since they paid for me to come here. Even if it were just to build me hopes up then give me this crap piece of tin."
Over the next few weeks were the shock announcements DesperateEnders, Quacks and all the soaps except Ritanation Street had been axed.
"It's all very strange," Norris noted. "And very
sudden. I just don't understand it, Reet. Do you think we're next?"
Reet beamed. "Not at all," she assured. "We'll stay on air."
"How can you be so sure?" he frowned.
"Because I took over the BBC, Fremantle Media and Mersey TV and got rid of the lot. No one will ever deny me my awards ever again. Right, time for yet another unexplained absence. Keep making me loads of profits, peasant, or yer'll follow Karen MacDonald out the door." And with that she disappeared to her invisible flat grinning smugly.
The End
Patsy
It was a gloriously wet May day in 2004 when the entire casts of Ritanation Street, DesperateEnders, Quacks etc attended the annual Soap Awards in London. Reet waited in her hotel room for the limo
to arrive. "Norris!" she yelled at the wall. "Get in here this minute!"
A few seconds later the connecting door opened as Norris rushed through trying to do up his bow-tie. "Yes, Reet?" he panted.
"Put that on me, peasant!" she demanded as she thrust her arm out and punched him in the stomach with her fist. She smiled as she watched him adorn her wrist with her favourite charm bracelet which had the two Oracle scrolls and TV Times awards hanging off it. "Time to add some more at last tonight," she grinned. "About flamin' time. Don't them who select nominations know owt about talent?"
"You're only up for one award," Norris unhelpfully pointed out.
"Oh, shurrup, peasant!" she yelled as she hit him. "Not my fault them judges and public are imbeciles like you are." The phone rang. "Get that, moron."
He sighed and picked it up. "Yes? I'll tell her. Bye."
"Who were that?" Reet wondered.
"The car's here," he replied.
"At last!" she cried excitedly. "Come on. Let's get me that Best Actress award! It's been a very long 14 years."
"Can you just help me with my tie first?" he nervously asked.
"Oh course, Norris," she beamed.
"Reet! It's too tight! I can't breathe!" he croaked.
"Oh sorry. I got a bit carried away," she told him before tying it properly and sweeping out.
"I bet you did(!)" he muttered worringly as he duly followed.
As the limo slowly drew up to the red carpet, Reet looked out the window at the awaiting mob. "Look at 'em, Norris. All me adoring fans."
"I thought they were only there because they applied for free tickets," he remarked.
"Cynic!" she said, hitting him across the head with her charms. "Yer'll see how much they all love me."
The car stopped and the chauffeur opened the door. "Here we go, peasant. Make sure yer keep 'em from mobbing me." Norris rolled his eyes and said nothing. Reet grinned her way up the carpet to
absolute silence. Norris, deep down, was delighted. She scowled at the crowd when they cheered but not at her and stomped inside. She spotted cameras and went over. "I expect yer want to interview me."
"No," they chorused and rushed over to a DesperateEnders actress just about wearing a frock.
"Typical!" she seethed. "Bunch of perverts!"
"Told you," Norris gloated.
"Oh, shurrup and fetch us some vodka!" she barked. "It's over there," she pointed, deliberately hitting him over the head with her previous awards again.
The evening dragged on as DesperateEnders accepted award after award. Reet dozed off through boredom.
"Now it's time for our Lifetime Achievement award," the host was saying. "And to present it is a legend of Ritanation Street. Let's hear it for Lily Savage. I mean, Bet Gilroy!" There was muted applause.
Reet gave a loud snore which prompted laughs from the audience, a snarl from Bet and a poke in the ribs from Norris. "Watch it, peasant!" she snapped. "Got to my Best Actress award yet?"
He shook his head. "Lifetime Achievement."
"Flamin' 'eck!" she cursed. "Why do they keep us waiting so long? No wonder I fell asleep. Bet I'm not
t'only one. What's she doing here?"
"Presenting the award," Norris replied.
"Well, I pity whoever gets the Past-It award. Thankfully no one would dare insult me like that."
"This is a woman," Bet was reading from the autocue, "who I had the pleasure of working with for many years. And someone I have the privilege of calling a true pal."
"She never had no pals," Reet snorted.
"Let's see her at work," Bet finished as the lights dimmed, the clips began and Reet's jaw dropped to the floor.
"The bastards! I'll have the head of whoever's done this to me chopped off and turned into a football!"
"Look at it this way. At least if you don't win Best Actress, you won't be going home empty handed," Norris offered. She glared at him and he went cold, knowing that look meant he'd suffer terribly at some point.
The clips finished and the lights came up. "Ladies and gentlemen," Bet announced. "I give yer the one and
only Reet Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan!"
Reet grimaced at the standing ovation, many other actors and actresses relieved their name hadn't been read out. She made her way down the steps with a forced smile and a face as red as her hair was once or twice a long time ago. She snatched it out of Bet's hand. "Don't think all that crawling will get yer a job on Ritanation Street," she hissed. "They don't know yer were talking out of yer backside like I do." She then stepped up to the microphone. "Thanks for this insult, yer bastards! I'm not past it yet! Not by a long chalk! I'll outlive the lot of yer!" And with that she stormed off before returning to her seat to await the announcement of the award she anxiously wanted to prove the cynics wrong. Finally it came.
"And the winner of the Best Actress award for 2004 is..." the Z-list celeb was saying as Reet prepared to go up and accept it. "Karen MacDonald. Ritanation Street!" Karen cried as she went to collect it.
"Right," Reet fumed. "First thing Monday she's sacked!"
"Isn't that a bit unfair?" Norris asked.
"She STOLE my award! It's all a fix! Well, I'll make sure they never fix it again!"
"Never mind," he tried reassuring to endless glares. "There's still the after-show party to go to."
"If yer think I'm going there to have that lot rub me nose in it, yer dafter than I always thought yer were!" she barked.
"It's free alcohol," he pointed out.
"That's beside the point," she defended. "Though maybe yer right. Might as well show me face since they paid for me to come here. Even if it were just to build me hopes up then give me this crap piece of tin."
Over the next few weeks were the shock announcements DesperateEnders, Quacks and all the soaps except Ritanation Street had been axed.
"It's all very strange," Norris noted. "And very
sudden. I just don't understand it, Reet. Do you think we're next?"
Reet beamed. "Not at all," she assured. "We'll stay on air."
"How can you be so sure?" he frowned.
"Because I took over the BBC, Fremantle Media and Mersey TV and got rid of the lot. No one will ever deny me my awards ever again. Right, time for yet another unexplained absence. Keep making me loads of profits, peasant, or yer'll follow Karen MacDonald out the door." And with that she disappeared to her invisible flat grinning smugly.
The End
Patsy
