All About Reet

[RitaLittlewood]

This is loosely based on the film, All About Eve, and originally written in March 2003:

It was the night of all nights as the 'Best Ever Stars In The Entire Universe' awards were given out. It was time for the main award. "And I'm pleased to announce," the 10th-rate reality TV 'star' was saying, "the award goes to...Reet Sullivan!" The crowd went wild as Reet went up to collect her award while Deirdre remembered how it all came to this...

**************************************

6 months earlier

Outside Ritaland studios in Manchester, Deirdre arrived for another day of sitting around for 10 hours and working for 10 minutes. She spotted a mousy looking girl getting soaked in the rain.
"Mrs Rachid?" the girl called.
"Hello again," Deirdre replied cheerfully. "Here to see Reet again?" The girl nodded. "You're here every day. You a stalker, or summat?" Deirdre continued.
The girl was shocked, "Oh, no," she explained. "I'd never do that to Mrs Sullivan."
"I'm sure you wouldn't," Deirdre assured. "But I'd have thought you'd be sick of the sight of her by now."
The girl shook her head. "I could never get sick of seeing her. She's the best."
"She'd agree with you there," Deirdre remarked. "Have you met her?"
"No," replied the girl sadly. "She doesn't even acknowledge my presence. Just zooms past in her flash car and splashes me. Never even stops to say sorry."
"Well, she wouldn't," Deirdre told her. "She's above apologising to nobodies." She then got an idea. "You've got to meet her. Come with me."
"Oh, no. I couldn't. I'd be too embarrassed," the girl gasped.
"Shut up and follow me," Deirdre insisted. The girl reluctantly did as told until Deirdre stopped outside Reet's dressing room. "Wait here. Won't be long."
"Okay," the girl said, smiling nervously.
"What's yer name, by the way?" Deirdre asked, holding the door handle.
"Er... Julie Smith," she said.
Deirdre smiled. "I'm Deirdre. Back in a tick." She opened the door and went in.

I don't know why I bother!" Reet was ranting.
"What's upset her now?" Deirdre wondered.
"What else?" Ken began. "The state of the canteen tea."
"Why don't you buy yerself a kettle and make yer own?" suggested Deirdre.
"Me? Make tea??!!" Reet breathed in horror. "The very idea! I have minions to do that for me. Don't I, Birdie?"
"The name's Norris, as I keep telling you," he replied
through gritted teeth.
"Whatever," Reet dismissed airily.
"You keep bothering for your fans," Ken told her, getting back to the subject.
"FANS?!" Reet shrieked. "They're not fans. They're nutcases!"
"But they set up discussion groups and websites about you because they think you're wonderful," Deirdre defended.
"So they should," Reet snapped. "I AM wonderful!" Ken and Deirdre just looked at each other. "Have you seen this?" Reet continued, clicking on a messageboard. "They've even set this up about my hair! Nuts, the lot of them. Should get out more."
"You don't mean that," Ken said, furrowing his brow so his eyebrows met in the middle. "You're just pissed off over the tea."
Reet sighed heavily. "Course not. I'd be nowt without them." She turned to Norris. "That reminds me, Birdie. Attach the container full of fan mail the the back of my Porsche. I'll drive it home myself."
Norris tutted. "If you weren't so wonderful, I'd belt you one for calling me Birdie all the time!"
"Not to mention giving you a job," Reet added.
"So you're happy to meet your fans?" Deirdre asked cautiously.
"Of course I am. They're all such darlings," Reet replied cheerfully.
"Great. There's one waiting outside right now," Deirdre informed her.
Reet's face fell. "What?!"
Deirdre went to the door and opened it. "Come in, Julie." Julie nervously entered the room.
Reet looked her up and down. "You're wet," she observed.
"It's raining," Julie told her.
"Oh. Well don't drip on my furniture or carpet," she said. "Richard wanted to be buried in that but I told him to sod off," she said.
"I'm very pleased to meet you, Mrs Sullivan," Julie
nervously said.
"Don't call me Mrs Sullivan. Great One will suffice," Reet proudly told her.
"She isn't joking either," Norris whined.
"Still here, Birdie?" Reet raised an eyebrow.
"The things I do to keep you happy," Norris grumbled as he headed for the door.
"As soon as you have, I'll let you know," countered Reet and Norris slammed the door behind him. "Sit down, girl." Julie did as was told after Norris had thoughtfully covered everything in plastic heeting. "You remind me of someone but I can't quite place it," Reet pondered. "Never mind. Obviously not important." She slapped cold cream over her face to remove all the layers of make-up.
At that moment, Ashley burst in. "What's keeping you?" he squeaked. "You know I've got to check in soon for my wild holiday in Ibiza and I find you looking like Ozzy Osbourne."
"Yer what?" Reet shrieked.
"But much more gorgeous," Ash quickly added.
"That's better," Reet smiled. They snogged passionately. "Ash, you should wear cold cream more often," she told him. "Suits you. I'm off for a quick dip. Anyone seen my rubber duck?"

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 2

Reet had seen Ashley off at the airport and was sad. What was she going to do without her little toyboy hardly anyone knew about? Julie had moved into Reet's home and became her personal assistant, much to the annoyance of Norris since she still had him doing the
mucky jobs.

It was the day of Ash's return and the mansion was filled with excitement.
"I shall go to the ball," Norris said to himself as he black-leaded the grate.
"You'd better behave yerself while me guests are here," Reet barked, "or I'll ban those 'Nosey bastard Weekly' magazines you think I don't know you buy.
"No. Not my magazines," he pleaded.
"Then do as yer ordered," Reet said. He nodded
solemnly. "Now, do me up, Birdie," Reet commanded. Norris's eyes widened. He slowly made his way over to his boss and pushed up the zip, hands shaking. Reet patted her stomach. "Fine. Bit tight. But this frock was made originally for Maxine."
"C-Can I go to my room for a minute, please?" Norris stammered.
Reet looked at him. "No, of course you can't. Now shurrup and get on with yer work." She admired herself in the 20-foot wall mirror and adjusted her wig. "How could my Ashley resist me?" she sighed to her reflection. "Now get a shift on, Birdie. You've got to wait on my guests. After all, this is my Ash's homecoming party."
"But he's back," Norris informed her.
"What? He can't be!" Reet screeched so high the mirror almost shattered.
"I let him in an hour ago. Julie's entertaining him," Norris added. "Please, Reet. I REALLY need to go to my room." He could see she was fuming though trying to hide it.
"Well, you can't!" she yelled. "Finish yer work and get
downstairs. The guests will be here soon!" With that she swept out slamming the door behind her.
Norris looked at the grate. "Sod this," he said to himself and went to his bedroom, grabbing one of her scented hankies on the way.

Reet raced down the stairs like a teenager and slowed as her arthritis started playing up. She heard Julie laugh and her heckles rose. She entered the room majestically, albeit a bit stiffly. "Julie. Birdie needs a hand," she casually informed her.
"Okay," Julie replied. "Excuse me, Ash."
"Course," he said and watched her go.
Reet stood and followed her with her eyes before returning them to Ashley. "Nice of you to let me know you'd arrived," she said sarcastically.
"Sorry, love," Ash said. "Julie wanted to see me holiday snaps."
"She'll be asking to see your all-over tan next," Reet snorted then unlocked her knees and went over to
him.
He was worried. "What's up, Reet? Aren't you pleased to see me?"
"Course I am," she said, forcing a smile. "It would've been nice to see yer snaps first, that's all."
"Julie told me you were getting dressed," Ash replied.
"That's never stopped you before," she said, eyebrow raised.
At that moment Ken and Deirdre arrived. "Oh dear. Bad moment?" Ken asked, sensing an atmosphere.
"Not at all," Reet replied airily. "Summat up, Reet?" Deirdre wondered.
"You could say that, Deirdre," Reet said firmly. "Fasten yer seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night!"

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 3

The party was in full swing. Reet was busy getting pissed. She was on her way to the kitchen to get some antacid for her agent when she bumped into a gatecrasher accompanied by a young blonde girl. "Who
invited you, Critic?" Reet slurred.
"Julie did," he replied in smooth tones. "Oh, may I introduce you to Miss Pixie. She has an audition for a part tomorrow."
Reet forced a smile. "Charmed, I'm sure. Who's reading with her?"
"No one as yet," Critic replied.
"I'll do it," Reet announced. "What time?"
"Ten?" Critic responded in surprise. "Are you sure, Reet?"
She nodded drunkenly. "See you at ten." She breezed past and went into the kitchen.
Ken followed, worried about his former girlfriend. "You okay?" he asked, eyebrow overacting.
"Fine," she dismissed.
"Is it Ash?" Ken continued.
Her agent entered the room. "Reet! This heartburn is murder!"
"Yeah, yeah," she replied coldly. "I'm getting you something. "Arsenic on the rocks do yer?"
"Anything, anything," he pleaded.
Ken watched as she mixed it and handed it to her agent who drank it, belched loudly then left. "He and Julie are getting on very well I see," Ken observed.
"Julie and my agent?" Reet asked confused.
"Julie and Ash," Ken explained.
"Oh," Reet said flatly. "Well she's young so they would," she went on bitterly.
"Reet, Ash loves you," Ken assured.
"Ash is 25. He looked it 10 years ago. He'll look it 100 years from now. I hate men," she pouted.
He crossed to her and placed his hand tenderly on her shoulder. "No, you don't."
She beamed. "You're right. I LOVE men! Had enough of them down the years so can't hate them that much." She turned to face him. "I wonder how things would've worked out if we'd stayed together," she mused.
"We'll never know now," he told her.
"No," she concluded sadly. "You've been a good friend to me over the years, Ken. Thank you."
"My pleasure," he smiled. She kissed his cheek in gratitude and they ended up snogging passionately. When they came up for air, Ken was stunned. "That wasn't in the script," he gasped.
"I know," she winked. "You may be a boring old fart, Ken. But beneath that exterior is a real animal bursting to get out."
He couldn't disagree but was still shocked. "How did that happen then?"
"Unfinished business or underlying passion? Who knows?" she shrugged. "We may find out one day."
He felt nervous. "I-I'd better get back to Deirdre," he stammered before backing out.
Reet watched him go (well both of him anyway) then smiled to herself. "I'd forgotten he kissed like that.
Now, where was I? Oh yes." She returned to the party and carried on getting pissed as she watched her beloved Ash and that Julie laughing. The pianist started playing 'Young Hearts Run Free' and she immediately slammed the lid on his fingers.
"What was that for?" he cried in agony.
"Because you're a rotten piano player who keeps playing crap songs!" Reet slurred.
Ash saw the commotion and went over. "What's up?"
"Oh, sorry," Reet replied bitterly. "Did I interrupt your cosy little chat? I'm so very sorry." She stood up
and swayed. Ash grabbed her before she fell on her backside. She slapped his hands away. "I can manage!" she snapped and staggered out of the room. Julie followed. "Is everything all right, Mrs Sullivan?" she asked innocently.
"Oh, go and squeeze yer spots. And while yer at it, poke yer eyes out so you keep them to yerself!" Reet
barked. Everyone was shocked.
"Reet!" Ash yelled.
Reet gripped the banister tightly as she hung from it. "Welcome home, darling and begger off!" she said then swung herself round and stomped up the stairs. Ash followed.
"What have I done?" Julie sobbed. "I've ever only tried to please her."
"You don't have to do owt where Reet's concerned," Deirdre assured her. "She'll have forgotten all about it
in the morning."
"Ash will make sure of that," Critic piped in. "Pity we shan't see the last act." Everyone agreed, though
weren't kinky. But Ken found himself feeling jealous of Ash up there in Reet's boudoir alone with her and wished he was instead.

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 4

"Bring the car round, Birdie," Reet instructed.
"But you know I can't drive," Norris said. "You'll have to get the bus."
Reet was shocked. "The bus?!" she spluttered. "I'm a megastar, peasant! And megastars don't go by bloody bus!"
"Foot then," he unhelpfully suggested. Reet was seething.
"Call me a taxi. And any daft remarks and you'll be calling for your money in a tin cup!"
Norris sighed. "I'd have thought you wouldn't be such a miserable old bag this morning after making it up with Ash."
"Yer what?!" Reet shrieked.
"In a better mood then," Norris said.
"I AM in a better mood," she snapped. "Never been happier. Now get on the phone and get that taxi!" He did as ordered while she added another couple of layers of eyeliner.

The taxi arrived and she headed for the studio. When she arrived, she spotted a familiar face in the foyer. "Hello, Critic," she greeted her arch enemy. "Miss Pixie gone through, has she?"
Critic sighed. "Miss Pixie has done her audition," he pointed out.
"But it's not ten yet," Reet replied.
"It's gone eleven," Critic informed her.
She looked at her wrist. "Begger it. Forgot me watch. That's Birdie's fault."
"Why don't you sack him and get someone useful?" Critic suggested.
"Because apart from the fact he's absolutely devoted to me, he's also VERY cheap," Reet explained. She removed her coat. "So, who did read with Miss Pixie in my absence?"
"You're understudy, Julie," he said.
"Don't be stupid," she scoffed. "We don't have understudies on soaps."
"Well, it's not important," Critic shrugged. "Miss Pixie was awful so it's back to 'Red, Hot and Randy' for her." "Oh well. She tried," Reet smiled.
"Julie on the other hand," he went on, "was a revelation."
"Oh?" Reet raised an eyebrow.
"She read your part exactly like you used to. It was perfection and a dream to watch. She and Ashley worked very well together. You could see the electricity between them." He could see she was getting annoyed.
"I bet. Excuse me," she said through gritted teeth then pushed past him, determined to find her lover and
her assistant. When she went through the door, she saw them too cosy for her liking. She forced a smile. "Sorry I'm late," she airily said as she put her coat and bag down. "But I'm here now. Where's Miss Pixie?"
"You're too late," the producer said. "Julie read with her."
"Julie?" Reet feigned surprise. "Don't be ridiculous."
"She, Ashley and Miss Pixie did the scene. Miss Pixie was a disaster I'm afraid. But Julie was a revelation," the producer continued.
Reet's blood pressure rate was near exploding. "Oh, to you too?" she remarked. "Yes, I get it now. You knew I'd be here but plotted behind my back. I'm a star!"
"All stars should be in the heavens!" the producer snapped.
"Well, you'll be there long before I will, sonny!" Reet yelled as the producer left. Julie nervously backed out
of the room as Reet approached Ash. "I suppose you were in on it too."
"In on what?" he asked innocently.
"This plot with Julie!" she shrieked.
"Don't start on me just cos yer hungover," he squeaked
as he grabbed his coat. "I'm off until you've seen sense."
"Going to Julie I suppose," Reet said, fighting back the tears.
"Believe what the hell you like," he replied then left. Reet burst into tears, her nose doing its award-winning dripping.

A short while later, Ken arrived home. "Heard about Reet and Ash?" he asked, trying not to sound too pleased.
"No, what?" Deirdre asked.
"They've had an almighty row. He's left her," he explained.
"Oh, no," Deirdre said. "This'll be a fun weekend with Mavis in Cartmel then."

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 5

The following Monday morning, Ken was driving back from Cartmel with Deirdre and Reet. Ash had made an excuse not to go, which Reet took to mean he was shagging Julie instead, so was more miserable and
pissed than ever but pretended not to care about what he did or with whom anymore. In the middle of nowhere, the car bumped and Ken pulled over. "Must be a flat tyre," he said then got out to check. Reet and Deirdre watched as he walked about the car. He opened the driver's door. They're ALL flat!" he exclaimed in disbelief.
"Punctures?" Reet asked.
He shook his head. "I'll have to find a garage or phone. Stay here and lock the doors." He slammed the door shut and disappeared into the distance.
"What rotten luck," Reet observed. "One's bad enough. But all of them?"
"Strange things happen," Deirdre remarked.
Reet glanced at her watch.
"I knew we should've left yesterday. I'll miss filming my one scene at this rate and they won't be happy."
"No," Deirdre agreed. "But we were sure if we left early enough we'd make it in time."
"It's all right for you two," Reet said. "You've got a fortnight off."
"So will you after this," Deirdre pointed out.
"True," Reet grinned. "And no one can't say I've not earned it. A megastar needs her rest." She sighed heavily. "Pity about Ash though. But it's not the first time I've been dumped for someone younger, and I daresay it won't be the last."
"You're not going to do a monologue, are you?" Deirdre asked cautiously.
"Nah," Reet said. "Can't be bothered with all that. Besides there's nowhere in this prop to stick all me lines."
"Thank goodness for that," Deirdre was relieved.
"That Julie," Reet began slowly. "She's a good kid really. Better at the job than Birdie ever will be. I suppose I'm just letting the insecurity about my age make me neurotic."
"Are you sure she and Ash are-" Deirdre began.
"No," Reet admitted. "But I wouldn't be surprised. My life is so crap at the moment and now today on top of everything else isn't helping."
"I'm really sorry about this, Reet," Deirdre told her sincerely.
"What are you apologising for?" Reet raised and eyebrow. "It's not as if you let the air out of all the tyres, is it?" Deirdre said nothing as she sank in her seat.

The following day, Ash rushed round to Reet's house. "Reet! I've only just heard. I'm so sorry."
She ran into his arms sobbing. "How could they do it to me after all these years, Ash?" she wailed. "Haven't I been loyal and undemanding? Which is more than can be said about some."
"I still can't believe it," he squeaked. "Making you audition for yer own part. Cruel, that's what it is."
She looked up and wiped her eyes. "You don't have to tell me," she sniffed. "They're obsessed with looks and youth over talent. I don't stand a chance!" she wailed again.
"I don't understand how it happened though," Ash tried to control his anger for her sake.
"I missed filming yesterday because Ken stupidly got four flats," she explained. "When I eventaully got to my own studio, I was informed they'd made Julie up to look like me and SHE did my lines! That's what gave them the idea I was expendable. Oh, Ash. What am I do to?"

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 6

That evening, Ken and Deirdre had been invited to dinner by Reet and Ashley.
"Thought you two weren't speaking to each other," noted Ken. "Bit of a turnaround, isn't it?"
Reet beamed and gazed into Ash's eyes. "You two are my oldest friends," she replied averting her gaze from her lover. "Well, you are, Ken. And so we wanted you to be the first to know we're getting married."
"You're kidding?" Deirdre gasped in joy.
Reet shook her head. "Nope. I'm going to be a foresquare, upright, downright, respectable married lady."
"Upright when yer sober," Ash said.
"True," Reet agreed and kissed him.
"Oh dear," Ken interrupted, glad of the diversion. "Is that who I think it is who's just waltzed in on Critic's arm?" They all looked and saw Julie as large as life and just about wearing a frock.
"That little witch," Reet's eyes narrowed. "If I wasn't such a lady, I'd go over there and punch her lights out."
"But you're not a lady," Ash countered.
Reet thought. "No. You're quite right, my little munchkin. So I won't give her the satisfaction."
A short while later, a waiter arrived with a note for Deirdre.
Reet was curious. "Who's it from? What does it say?"
Deirdre looked at her. "You and Norris had a personality transplant or summat?"
"No. At least, I HOPE not. Don't want to be owt like Birdie, ta very much," Reet stated. "So, who's it from?"
"Julie," Deirdre said flatly.
"What does she want?" Ken asked.
"She says she wants to talk to me in the ladies alone," Deirdre replied as she screwed up the note.
"You are going I hope," Reet said.
"No," Deirdre said then sipped her champagne.
"But you MUST!" Reet demanded. "I want to find out what that devious stick insect is up to and she's hardly going to tell me now, is she?"
Deirdre thought. "I don't really want to."
"I don't care what you want. Get in there and find out.
Since she's obviously become such great pals with Critic, she's bound to be after something," Reet told her. "Okay then," Deirdre sighed, finished her drink and went.

In the ladies, Julie was waiting. "Glad you could come, Deirdre," she said. "I wasn't sure you would."
"I wasn't going to, " Deirdre told her. "But I needed to go so thought I might as well see you at the same time. So, what do you want?"
"Reet's part," Julie casually told her.
Deirdre laughed. "You are joking?"
"Do I look as though I am," Julie was resolute. "If you don't fix it for me, I'll tell Reet it was you who let Ken's tyres down. I'll leave you to think about it." She left and Deirdre was worried.

Back at the table, they saw Julie and Critic suddenly leave. "She didn't stay long," Ash observed.
"Probably kicked out for being undesirables," Reet remarked as Deirdre returned. "Ah, you're back.
Thought you'd gone down the pan."
"No," Deirdre said quietly as she poured herself more champagne.
"Well, what did she want?" Reet asked eagerly. "Oh, tell us in a minute. I've got an announcement to make first."
"Don't tell me yer preggers," Ash squeaked.
"Very funny," Reet said. "No. I've decided I can't fight this youth obsession so am prepared to put my money where my mouth is and quit."
Everyone was shocked. "You can't do that!" Ash
protested. "Yer know everyone only watches for you. If you go, ratings will plummet, they'll axe it and we'll all be deprived of finanical security."
Reet pondered. "You're right. I'll just sack the producer instead and hire someone who adores me. Cheers!" They all drank. "So," Reet continued. "What did the little witch want?"
"Oh, the usual trouble-making things," Deirdre said. "I told her to sod off."
"Good for you," Reet beamed. "Let's hope she does."

At a posh Manchester hotel, Julie was on cloud nine. "Isn't it marvellous, Critic?" she was saying. "I shall be a true star when I get Reet's part. She's far too old and should be dead by now anyway. Don't these people realise no one wants to watch a bunch of dried up old prunes on the screen but nubile young bodies instead? Then me and Ash will be together forever. He's told me he's leaving Reet and wants me. Isn't it wonderful?"
Critic's face remained set in stone. "You'll not get that part, Julie. I'll make sure of it."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"I've done a bit of research.," he told her. "Unusual for a member of the press these days, I grant you. But what I've discovered about you made it all worth it. And if you don't want me spilling the beans, you'll get this stupid idea out of your head and marry me." Julie was worried now.

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 7

Julie decided to brazen it out. "You know nothing about me," she said confidently.
"Oh, you think not?" Critic replied. "Well, where
shall I begin? Perhaps with the fact you're name isn't really Julie Smith at all but Maxine Peacock."
"Rubbish!" she snorted.
"It's not rubbish and you know it," he told her.
She wrung her hands and he could tell she was rattled. "Well, what if it is?" she asked.
"You've lied, schemed and got Reet to trust you before trying to stab her in the back," he coldly told her.
"I deserve to be in it more than she does!" Maxine yelled. "She's had her time. It's my turn!"
"You had you turn, Maxine," he said. "Only you got greedy so they had you killed off."
"I wasn't greedy!" Maxine shrilled. "I only wanted more airtime. What's wrong with that? After all, these
old farts have had their day. Time to sack the lot of them!"
"Why are you doing this, Maxine?" Critic wondered. "You stated publicly you were glad to be out of there and would be a Hollywood star."
Maxine pouted. "No one wants me so I want back in. I made a terrible mistake and now that hag's got her claws into my Ash. I want him back."
"But it's too late, Maxine. Time's moved on," he said. "And there's no way Ash will leave Reet."
"Course he will," she said. "Everyone knows he loves me."
"He loves her and has for a long time. I won't let you ruin other people's lives anymore, Maxine," he warned. "So you will do as I say otherwise I'll make
sure you never work again, even as a cleaner. Understand?"
"But-" Maxine protested.
"But nothing, Maxine!" he snapped, finally losing his composure. "You will marry me, never be unfaithful and never divorce me otherwise I'll ruin you." Maxine was stuffed and reluctantly agreed.

The following few weeks, Reet worked her backside off after demanding the writers give her more meaty storylines and settled down to married life with her little munchkin.

**************************************

Reet graciously accepted her award. "Thank you all so very, VERY much for this," she choked. "I never expected it. It's been a long and very hard past few months. And it's wonderful the rumours of my being replaced by a younger model turned out not to be true." She eyed Critic and Maxine, who she still thought was called Julie. "And it's wonderful the writers are no longer sidelining me and giving me crap to do. I'd like to dedicate this award to my darling husband, Ashley. Without him I'd have surely quit by now. I love you, my little munchkin." She blew him a kiss and he blushed. "Thank you all very much." She beamed as she left the stage with the award while Maxine just left in a huff, peeved as she believed not only should she have had the award, but also her Ashley back.

And they all lived happily ever after except Maxine and Critic since she was reduced to appearing in 'Red, Hot and Randy' alongside Miss Pixie.

The End

Patsy