Here's Rita

[RitaLittlewood]

This is a crossover with the old Lucille Ball comedy, Here's Lucy and originally written in September 2004:

Part 1

It was an average afternoon at the office of Carter's Unique Employment Agency - Unusual Jobs For Unusual People in downtown Los Angeles, which was owned by Harrison Otis Carter IV and his dizty, redheaded secretary Lucy, though her hair was more bright orange than red. The phone rang. "Carter's Unique Employment Agency," Lucy said. "Oh, hello, Mary Jane. Course I can talk. Any excuse not to do all this work Harry expects me to do. What? Oh, he's out trying to drum up new business. Though I wish I could drum on his head." She laughed.
"LUCILLE!" a voice boomed.
"Speak to you later, Mary Jane," Lucy quickly said and hung up then picked the receiver up again. "Goodbye." Harry walked slowly towards her. "Oh, hello, Harry. You're back soon," she said innocently.
"Not soon enough," he replied. "Who was phoning who THIS time?"
"Er, Mary Jane called me," she told him.
"Well, that'll make a change," he remarked. "Have you seen this month's office phone bill?"
Lucy shook her head looking sheepishly at him. "Is it high?"
"High?" he said. "Haven't you heard it's part of the national debt?"
"Oh, come on, Harry, it's not that bad," she giggled.
"Not when you're goofing off, no," he agreed. "In fact,
I'm surprised to see you still here. Have you done that work I asked you to do?"
"Almost," she lied.
"How much is 'almost'?" he raised an eyebrow as he looked at the desk. "I don't see any here."
"That's because it's still in my typewriter," Lucy admitted. "But it's not my fault, Harry. You give me too much to do."
"How can answering four letters be too much?" he asked.
Lucy was stumped but her brain kicked into gear. "Because it makes the typewriter blow a fuse."
"I'M the only one blowing a fuse around here!" he yelled. "I really don't know why I put up with you. It's
always the same. Shirk, shirk, shirk."
"Don't you mean, work, work, work?" she said.
"I thought you were allergic to work," he remarked. Lucy scowled. "You're always saying I'm lazy and
incompetent."
"That's because you are," he told her frankly.
"But you won't hire another secretary because you'd have to pay more," Lucy pointed out. Harry cringed at the thought of parting with more money. "I remember you hired Viv when she was visiting from back east and you wanted me back, complaining she was TOO efficient," Lucy continued upping the stakes.
"She was," he said. "But at least she did as she was told to for good money. I give you good money and you goof off at every opportunity."
"Perhaps if you gave me a raise I'd be tempted not to goof off," Lucy suggested.
"You're more likely to use it as an excuse to do more shopping!" Harry yelled. "Now stop squawking and get to work!"
"I have one at home just like her," a voice said and they turned to see a redheaded woman standing by the door. Harry did a double take as she looked like Lucy.
Lucy got up and greeted her. "He's lost for words which makes a change," she said as she glanced at Harry. "I'm Lucy Carter. May I help you?"
"Pleased to meet you," the woman said as she shook Lucy's hand. "I'm Reet Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan. I understand you find jobs for unusual people."
"Oh, we do, we do," Harry piped up at the thought of making some money. "But I'm sure you're not unusual."
Lucy rolled her eyes. "Oh boy." Harry glowered at her.
"Yer obviously paying her too much since she seems rebellious," Reet said.
"Oh, I am, I am," Harry replied.
"Ha!" Lucy snorted.
"Yer need to keep 'em in line by paying 'em hardly anything then they'll be so grateful to do overtime," Reet told him. Harry's eyes twinkled as a huge grin broke out on his face.
"Uh-oh," Lucy said flatly. "I know that look and you can forget it, Harry."
"I think it's a WONDERFUL idea," he beamed.
"Thought you would," Lucy mumbled.
"Starting tomorrow morning, your wages will be paid depending on how much work you've done. Any mistakes and slacking will be deducted."
"Thanks a lot, lady," Lucy scowled at Reet. "Harry knows I'm not perfect-"
"Understatement of the year," Harry interrupted.
Lucy ignored him and continued. "But how am I supposed to feed my poor little babies?" she cried. "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."
"Your poor little babies are fully independent and well you know it."
Lucy stopped crying. "I always knew you were heartless, Harry."
"Kim's got a job and Craig's at college," Harry explained to Reet.
"So you're quite happy to see me on the street?" Lucy said, trying another tack.
"Perfectly," Harry smiled.
"That's it, Harry," Lucy said as she scooped up her handbag. "I quit!"
"What, again?" Harry frowned.
"I feel like I've walked into a seventies sitcom," Reet laughed.
"You have," Lucy and Harry said in unison before Lucy
stormed out.
"I'm sorry about that," Reet said.
"Don't worry about it, Mrs Sullivan," Harry fawned. "She'll be back by the end of the episode. She always is."
"I didn't mean to upset your wife," Reet added.
Harry acted like he's been stabbed. "She's NOT my wife."
"Really?" Reet said. "But you're both called Carter."
"That redheaded ding-a-ling is my sister-in-law unfortunately."
Reet grinned. "That's a relief."
"Now, what can I do for you?" He gestured for her to sit which she did.
"I run a little newsagent's in Weatherfield. That's the UK," she said noticing Harry's puzzled expression. "My peasant is very annoying and I was wondering if there was any way you could find a job for him."
"Is he unusual?" Harry asked, picking up a pen to take notes.
"Norris is very strange indeed, Mr Carter," Reet flirted.
"Oh, call me Harry please," Harry gushed. "Why do you want rid of him? That's if you don't mind me asking."
"Not at all, Harry," Reet batted her eyelashes and hoped the mascara wouldn't stick them together. "He keeps asking for a pay rise. I already give him 10p an hour. Any more and he'll drain my millions."
Harry saw dollar signs in front of his eyes at the menton of that word. "M-millions?" Reet nodded. "It seems we have so much in common. I'm sure I'll be able to help you." Reet beamed.

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 2

When Lucy arrived home at 4863 Valley Lawn Drive, she slammed the front door so hard the whole set shook.
"What's uncle Harry done now?" her daughter Kim asked as she brushed her shoulder-length, dark hair.
"How did you know it was him?" Lucy said surprised.
"Because it always is, mother," Kim stated, putting the brush down. "Has he fired you again?"
"No, he didn't fire me," Lucy replied. "I quit."
"Again?" Kim gasped.
"I do wish you'd stop sounding like your uncle Harry," Lucy snapped. "Anyone'd think I made a habit of quitting or getting fired." Kim said nothing as she looked knowingly at her mother. "Never mind," Lucy dismissed.
"I know I'm going to regret asking this," Kim began hesitantly trying to ignore her mother's glare, "But how exactly did you come to quit your job again?"
"Blame your uncle Harry," Lucy said.
"I know that," Kim replied. "But what brought it on?"
"Some redheaded floozy with a foreign accent," Lucy snarled. "Said he was paying me too much and he was instantly smitten."
"With her?" Kim was shocked.
"Of course not," Lucy snorted. "With the thought of saving more money. And it sounds like they're two of a kind." The doorbell went. "Come in!" Lucy called smiling.
"Only me," Harry said cheerfully as he entered.
Lucy's face dropped. "Out!" she demanded as she pointed to the door. "I don't want to see you."
"Who said I've come to see you?" Harry said through gritted teeth. "I've come to see my favourite niece."
"Well she's your favourite niece until they invent another one who'll disappear after one episode," Lucy
remarked.
"Hello, Kim, dear," Harry said as he ignored Lucy.
"Hi, uncle Harry," Kim replied. "So, mom's quit on you again, huh?"
"That's right," he smiled which made Lucy scowl. "And it's the best thing that could have happened since I have a new and very efficient secretary."
"A new secretary?" Kim and Lucy said together in shock.
"That's right," Harry beamed. "And she also happens to be my fianceé."
"Fianceé?" Kim and Lucy said together again.
"What is this? The parrot cage at the zoo?" Harry snapped. "Come in, dear," he gestured at the door.
Lucy was more stunned when Reet walked in. "You've hired her?" Harry nodded. "You're going to MARRY her?"
Harry nodded again. "Kim, dear. I'd like you to meet Reet Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan."
"Pleased to meet you," Kim said forcing a smile as she shook Reet's hand.
"I've heard a lot about you," Reet said.
"And you already know Lucille," Harry said flatly.
"Oh yes," Reet smiled. "I've heard a lot about you too."
"All bad I expect," Lucy said.
"Naturally," Harry answered before Reet could say anything. "I've given her chapter and verse on the world's only redheaded ding-a-ling."
Lucy pulled a face but was resolute. "Harry, how can you be serious?" she asked, changing the subject. "You don't know anything about her."
"I know she's an award-winner," Harry told her.
"Yeah?" Lucy curled her lip and raised an eyebrow. "Bet she hasn't got as many as me." Lucy gestured to her trophy cabinet smugly as she looked at Reet's charm bracelet on which hung a mere five. Reet inwardly cursed and felt inadequate but wasn't going to let her redheaded rival know it.
"Lucille, it's hardly Reet's fault she hasn't managed to get as many for playing the same part with different surnames for over twenty years like you," Harry scolded. "Hers are public votes while yours are committees and she knows she's not as popular and as well-loved as you."
"That's beside the point, Harry," Lucy said, determined to be Queen redhead in this show. "You only met this afternoon."
"What's that got to do with anything?" Harry defended. "We discovered we have a lot in common."
"Oh, yeah? Like what?" Lucy asked sceptically.
"Love of money," Harry grinned as he thought of Reet's wealth.
"I might have known," Lucy said to Kim who nodded in agreement. "Even so, you can't get married."
"We can and we are as soon as we get a special licence," Harry told them.
Reet could sense Lucy's resentment so put her arm through Harry's and cuddled up to him. "Nice to have met you again, Lucy," she said. "I do hope you and your lovely daughter will come to the wedding. Come on, Harry. You said you'd give me a tour of the banks in Los Angeles."
"Goodbye, family," he said then led his fianceé out.
Kim noticed her mother's expression. "Close your mouth, mom. You'll attract the flies."
"Can you believe the nerve of that woman?" Lucy breathed. "And I bet that's not her real colour."
"Well, if anyone knows it's you," Kim said.
"It's probably a wig," Lucy continued not hearing Kim's comment. "One of those ones you buy for Halloween. She looks like the living dead as it is. We can't let him go through with this."
"What can we do?" Kim asked, totally surprised at this revelation since he was a confirmed bachelor. "You know uncle Harry."
"Yes, unfortunately I do," Lucy scowled. "It's bad enough she got me fired-"
"You quit," Kim pointed out.
"Only because of her interferring," Lucy said. "Okay, so it's bad enough she made me quit because Harry was going to cut my salary to practically nothing. And bad enough she's taken my job. I bet she's a lousy secretary."
"What makes you so sure?" Kim wondered.
"Because she looks like someone who'll goof off at every opportunity," Lucy explained.
"Takes one to know one," Kim laughed.
Lucy glared at her daughter. "She's only after his money."
"You have to face it, mother," Kim said. "Uncle Harry's going to marry her and there's nothing we can do about it."
"Oh yeah?" Lucy replied with that glint in her eye.
"Uh-oh," Kim said, recognising that look meant her mad mother was hatching a plan. "She might be very nice," Kim continued trying in vain to get Lucy off her Reet obsession.
"You won't be saying that when you're cut out of his will while everything goes to her," Lucy said. "I have an idea. See you later."
"Where are you going now?" Kim shrieked.
"Over to Harry's house to try and talk some sense into him," Lucy said as she put her coat back on.
"You talk sense? Now this I've gotta see," Kim remarked.
"You stay there and do something useful for once with your education and try and dig up some dirt on that Reet Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan. Bye baby." And with that Lucy was gone.
"Oh boy," Kim said to herself then picked up the phone and dialled. "Craig? Can you come on home? It's an emergency. Mom's going nuts again. I know she's always nuts. But this time uncle Harry's gone nuts too. He's getting married. I'll explain it all when you get here."

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 3

Lucy waited outside Harry's house for several hours. Finally he pulled up on his drive and she was relieved to find he was alone. She got out of her car and walked towards him. "Harry? I've got to talk to you."
"If you don't mind, Lucille," he said wearily, desperate to get rid of her, "I want to get an early night. Have to be up in the morning to arrange the special licence."
"It'll only take a minute then I'll be gone," she said.
"If only you meant permanantly, I'd be inclined to believe you," he said. "All right. But make it quick." He opened the door and made sure he entered the house first.
"Chivalry's still dead I see," she remarked.
"As dead as your roots," he quipped as she closed the door behind her and glowered at him.
"Got a new set I see," she noted.
"Obviously," he said deadpan.
"Why do you keep getting your house set changed, Harry? I always manage to keep the same one," she asked. "Though my bedroom has changed quite often."
"Because, 'Hurricane Lucy', you wrecked all the other ones!" he barked. "Say what you have to then leave."
"All right, Harry," she began. "First of all, you can't marry that woman for several reasons."
"Which are?" he asked.
"Well, you don't know that much about her," Lucy told him. "She could be an axe murderer for all you know."
"Well, if she is, I hope she swings it in your direction!" he growled through gritted teeth.
"That's not very nice, Harry," she sulked.
"Of course it is. Everyone knows I'm always a nice guy," he said.
"That's a matter of opinion," she said. "Okay, since you aren't going to take any notice of what she might be, try this. How do you fancy waking up every day and seeing me next to you?"
"Thankfully that will never happen," he replied.
"I agree with you there," she concurred. "But that woman looks so much like me, it's as if I'll be there your every waking moment."
Harry closed his eyes and shuddered at the thought. "I can live with it," he said as he thought of Reet's millions.
Lucy was getting frustrated. "Okay, Harry. I just hope she likes threesomes."
"Now what are you talking about?" he sighed. "Not that the explanation will make any sense either except in that space you call a brain."
"You, her and your teddy bear," Lucy replied. "Though I'm not sure she'll like you choosing to cuddle your teddy bear at night when she thinks you should be cuddling her."
"I'm sure she won't have any problems," he said confidentally.
"But what if she makes you choose between her and your teddy bear?" she raised an eyebrow.
"It'll never come to that," he told her trying not to show he was worried. "Now if that's all...?"
Lucy sighed heavily. "I always knew you were a fool, Harry."
"That's as maybe," he began. "But at least I'll be a RICH fool. Goodnight, Lucille."
"But, Harry-" she pleaded.
"And if you wreck this wedding I'll cut Kim and Craig out of my will!" he warned. She was about to speak but decided to leave instead and work out what to do next.

The next morning Lucy walked into the office and was surprised to find it empty. Since it was, she decided to have a nose around to try and dig up some dirt on the woman Harry was planning to marry. She noticed some letters on his desk and picked them up. She tutted as she shook her head.
"What are you doing here?" Harry boomed making Lucy jump.
"Don't sneak up on people, Harry," she said, clutching her chest.
"If anyone knows about being a sneak, it's you," he remarked.
"Never mind. Have you seen these?" she said, waving the paper at him. "She's a worse secretary than I am."
"Which is saying something," Harry noted as he snatched the paper from her. "If you're here to get a reference, you can forget it."
"All right, Harry," Lucy replied. "Where is she anyway?"
Harry looked around. "Isn't she here?"
"If she was, do you think I'd ask such a stupid question?" Lucy said.
"Do you really want me to answer that?" he said. "What business is it of yours anyway?"
"Well, I've been thinking," she said and she leant against the desk and folded her arms.
"You? Think? Why do I get the feeling this will mean trouble?" he said as the voice of experience.
"You're right about doing what you want and marrying her if you want to," she announced.
Harry beamed then his face fell. "What's the catch?"
"No catch, Harry," she told him. "But can you put it off a while?" "What for if there's no catch?" he asked suspiciously.
"Because I want to get to know her better," Lucy explained. "As a matter of fact, the reason I came was to invite her over to my house for lunch."
"I'm still sure there's a catch here somewhere," Harry said.
"I assure you, Harry, there is no catch," she replied. "So, will you put it off a few weeks?" Harry paused then nodded. "Great!" Lucy said, clapping her hands together but tried not to show she was too pleased. "Tell her to come over for 12.30."
"I will," Harry said warily. "But I still smell a redheaded rat."
"That's no way to talk about your future wife. See you," Lucy said then swept out.

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 4

A short while later, Reet strolled casually into the office. "And where have you been?" Harry demanded.
"Hey," she said tersely. "Don't talk to me like that. I'm not yer sister-in-law, yer know."
"Sometimes I wonder," he mumbled.
"What were that?" Reet asked.
"I said I'm glad about that," Harry said quickly.
"Hmm," Reet said, sure he was lying. "So, did yer have trouble getting the special licence?"
"I, err..." he began, fiddling with his fingers, "didn't get it."
"Why not?" Reet demanded. "Don't yer want to wed me after all?"
"Of course I do," he told her sincerely as he totted up her millions added to his in his head.
"Then why didn't yer get it?" she demanded impatiently. A thought struck her. "Has yer sister-in-law got owt to do with this?"
"In a way," he said meekly.
"I see," Reet said firmly, tapping her foot and folding her arms.
Harry was astonished at how much she looked like Lucy in that pose but tried to put it out of his mind. "It's not what you think, Reet," he assured.
"How do yer know what I'm thinking?" she said coldly.
"Because after all these years around Lucille, I've become an expert mind reader," he admitted. "Lucille wants to get to know you better. It's only for a week or two so we can have a bigger wedding."
"Oh aye?" she raised an eyebrow. "And who'll be paying?"
"I will, my sweet," Harry told her wincing at the thought of parting with more money.
Reet beamed. "Okay. A suppose a week or two won't make much difference."
"I'm glad," Harry said. "Oh, by the way, Lucille has invited you to her house for lunch."
I bet she has, Reet thought. "Oh lovely," she lied. "What time?"
"12.30," Harry told her.
Reet glanced at her watch. "Another hour," she said slowly. "That gives me plenty of time to put me face on."
Harry watched as she piled more eyeliner, mascara, lipstick and blusher on her face. "What about work?" he eventually said.
"I haven't got time for that," she shrieked. "I've got to go out and get Lucille a present to thank her for lunch. Know any cheap shops round here?"

Lucy arrived home whistling. "Mother, you seem to be in a good mood," Kim said cheerfully.
"Yup," Lucy said as she put her handbag down.
"Uncle Harry give you your job back?" Kim asked.
Lucy shook her head. "Better than that."
"He's decided not to marry that woman?" Kim asked.
"Not quite," Lucy told her. "But I've managed to persuade him to hold off on the wedding for a week or two so we can get working to split them up."
Kim stood. "Did you tell uncle Harry that's the reason?" "Of course not," Lucy tutted. "Do you think I'm stupid?"
"There's no answer to that," Kim remarked.
"Never mind," Lucy dismissed. "As far as your dear uncle's concerned, it's so we can get to know his freaky bride-to-be better and not that it gives us more time to dig some dirt on her. Which reminds me. You'll have to make yourself scarce because she's coming here for lunch at 12.30."
"Well, that's fine by me, mom. But I'm not sure if the same can be said of our guest," Kim said mysteriously.
"Guest?" Lucy frowned. "We're in the middle of a complex piece of underhanded brilliance and now we have to put up with an uninvited guest? They can't stay. We'll have to get rid of them and fast."
"That's not a nice way to talk about your own son," a voice said.
"Craig, baby!" Lucy squealed with delight as she rushed up to hug him. "What are you doing here?" She stepped back. "You haven't been kicked out of college, have you?"
"No, mom," he laughed. "Kim phoned me and told me everyone here was going nuts."
"Oh, so you know about your uncle Harry's crazy idea then," she said flatly.
He nodded. "That's why I'm here."
"Good," Lucy grinned. "We need all the help we can get." The doorbell went. "I hope that's not her." Kim went to look and nodded. "She's early. I haven't even started on lunch yet."
"Well I have an idea, mom. Why don't Craig and I fix it then you can try and find out some things about her?" Kim suggested.
"Oh, good idea, darling," Lucy said as her mind went into overdrive. "You'd better let her in then. She'll be gone sooner that way." Lucy checked herself in the mirror on the stairs as Kim opened the door.
"Oh, hello," Reet said surprised. "I didn't expect to see yer here. Is yer mam in? I've been invited for me dinner."
"Dinner? I didn't think you'd be here that long," Kim remarked.
Lucy scowled. "I think she means lunch, don't you?"
"Course I do," Reet rolled her eyes. "Only where I come from it's dinner and dinner is tea."
"Speaking of tea, would you like a cup?" Lucy asked. "I know how you British love your tea."
"Are yer trying to poison me?" Reet was aghast. "Give me a triple vodka and keep 'em coming."
"Vodka?" Lucy asked shocked. "Isn't it a little early?"
"No time is too early," Reet replied.
"Oh," Lucy said. "Do you mind me asking if you have a drink problem?"
"Not at all," Reet smiled. "I don't have a problem opening my mouth and pouring it in."
"It's big enough," Lucy whispered to Kim who tried not to laugh. "Craig, get Reet a treble vodka. Would you like anything in it, Reet?"
"And ruin the flavour?" Reet snorted. "Do me a favour." While Craig fixed her drink, Reet eyed him up. "Boyfriend, Kim?"
"Hardly," Kim laughed. "He's my brother."
"Really?" Reet raised an eyebrow as she took the drink.
"And he's broke," Lucy added, sensing what was on Reet's mind.
"We'll go and fix lunch," Kim said as Lucy glared at her. "Come on, Craig."
"It was nice meeting you, Reet," he said.
"I know," Reet replied smugly.
"Oh boy," Lucy mumbled. "She's even got Harry's ego." She smiled sweetly at the interloper. "Please sit down."
"Thanks," Reet said as she drank.
"So, er, what did you do before you had the misfortune to meet my brother-in-law?" Lucy asked.
"I'd hardly call it a misfortune, Lucille," Reet said firmly. "More like, a lot of fortune."
Lucy nodded knowingly. "Call me Lucy."
"Well, Lucy," Reet said in-between downing her vodka and getting up to fetch the bottle which made Lucy's eyes bulge at the nerve of her. "I run a newsagents back home. Before that I was a singer but I retired from professional singing after my first husband died."
Lucy's eyes twinkled at the first bit of useful information. "A singer? I could have been a singer," she said proudly.
"What stopped you? Can't sing?" Reet laughed.
"On the contrary," Lucy stated. "I just never got a break. Well, apart from my leg but that can't carry a tune." She burst into hysterics while Reet stayed stoney- faced, not understanding her comment at all. "But," she continued, waving a finger, "I did get to be on a Petula Clark record."
"Really?" Reet raised an eyebrow sceptically.
"Yeah," Lucy said. "I was her wa-wa peddle, whatever that is."
"Sing summat," Reet invited, since although Lucy told the story so convincingly, she didn't believe a word of it.
"Well, if you insist," Lucy smiled, not that she needed an excuse and began to sing tunelessly making Reet's glass shatter. Lucy immediately got up and tried drying her off. "Oh dear. I'm so sorry. I don't know how that happened. Craig, get another glass for our guest!"
"It's fine," Reet assured. "I'll get Harry to pay for it to be dry- cleaned."
Lucy sat back down. "So, you're a widow?"
Reet nodded. "Twice and they both left me comfortably off."
Lucy nodded. "I'm a widow myself but my husband left me practically broke which is why I ended up working for Harry."
"Lunch is served," Kim announced as she put it on the table.
Lucy stood. "Shall we?"
"Pleasure," Reet said as she swiped the vodka bottle and followed her.

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 5

It was he day before the wedding of the year and Lucy was beginning to panic. It had been two weeks and neither she, Kim or Craig had managed do find anything juicy out about Reet.
"We'll just have to admit defeat, mom," Kim said.
"Never!" Lucy replied firmly. "We still have seventeen hours before that woman gets her mummified paws on Harry's money. Anything can happen." At that moment Craig burst in. "Craig, what have I told you about doing that?" Lucy admonished.
"I'm sorry, mom," he told her. "But I thought you'd like to read this right away."
Lucy broke into a grin. "You mean you actually found something we can use?"
He nodded, pleased with himself. "It's very juicy."
"Give it to me," Lucy said as she held her hand out eagerly and had a quick scan.
"Good?" Kim asked.
"Dynamite!" Lucy grinned. "I told you anything can happen." Kim nodded. "I'm going to take this over to uncle Harry's. Good work, Craig. See you later." And with that Lucy was gone. Then she was back. "Forgot the keys to the car." Craig and Kim rolled their eyes as they heard the whirlwind finally leave the room and the car drive off. As Lucy drove to Harry's, Craig filled Kim in on what he'd discovered.

Harry was not best pleased to see Lucy on his doorstep. "What do you want now?" he demanded.
"I have to talk to you, Harry about Reet," she said.
"Is it good or bad?" he asked.
"Bad," she replied. "The worst."
"Go away, Lucille!" he yelled.
"But, Harry," she pleaded. "It's really important. Just give me five minutes and then you can yell at me if you think I've been meddling."
He pondered for a moment then let her in. "Five minutes only, and the clock is ticking," he said firmly as he closed the door.
"Read this," she said as she held out the papers Craig had given her.
Harry grudgingly took them and began to read. "Oh my. Is this all true?"
"Yep," she nodded. "Her life reads like a character from a soap opera. And you're obviously next."
"I'm too young to die," he wailed.
"You're not that young," she remarked.
He glared at her. "Neither are you."
"Oh, Harry. You know I'm only thirty," she defended.
"In a pig's eye," he said.
"So, now do you believe I only had your best interests
at heart?" she asked, ignoring that remark.
"Yes. Yes, I do, Lucille. Well, I'll have to go and confront her with this information," he decided.
"She'll only deny it," she pointed out.
"True," he agreed. "But I have to cancel this wedding somehow. If I tell her it's off, she'll probably sue me for breach of promise. Oh, what am I going to do?"
"Search me," she shrugged. "Your mess. You get out of it."
"Lucille, you've GOT to help me," he begged. "I'll give you your job back if you do."
"For the same salary?" she wondered.
"Naturally," he said.
"Bye, Harry," she made for the door.
"All right, Lucille," he gave up. "You know I'm desperate. You don't have to take advantage of me."
"Give me a twenty dollar raise and I'll think about it," she offered.
He thought. "Make it ten and we have a deal."
Lucy smiled. "Well, it so happens I have an idea, Harry, but you'll only say you don't like it," Lucy said.
"Whatever it is," he replied, "I'll love it."
"My, you MUST be desperate," she said. "Well, what I was thinking of was this..."

The day of the wedding arrived and everyone was in the church. Harry tried not to look nervous, convinced Lucy's mad scheme would fail and he'd be stuck with Reet for however long it took before she made him meet his doom. Meanwhile Reet was cheerfully thinking of his money.
"If anyone here," the minister was saying, "knows why these two can't be joined in marriage, speak now or forever be silent."
"I have a very good reason," they heard a voice at the back of the church shout and they all looked round to see a middle-aged blonde lady walking towards them.
"What's SHE doing here?" Harry mumbled with gritted teeth.
"Who the 'eck are you?" Reet asked.
"My name is Vivian Roberta Jones," the woman told her. "I stopped going by my married name of Vivian Carter more than twenty years ago."
"Oh," Reet sighed with relief. "Another of Harry's relatives."
"Not quite," Viv replied. "I'm his wife." Harry cringed.
"Oh, is that all?" Reet laughed before her face fell. "His what?"
"I'm his wife," Viv repeated. "Sorry, dear. I didn't realise you were hard of hearing. Though I knew there must be something wrong with you for wanting to marry horrible Harry."
Reet glared at Harry. "Is this true?"
"Well...." he stammered. "I'd forgotten all about her." "How can yer forget yer own wife?" Reet shrieked so loud everyone covered their ears.
"I thought we were divorced," he said.
"Wished we were more like," Viv told him. "He upped and left one day saying he was going to buy a hat and I've been looking for him ever since. I just assumed he was taking so long because he couldn't find one big enough to go on his fat head." Lucy covered her mouth to stifle the giggles.
Reet turned angrily to Lucy. "I suppose yer arranged all this?"
"Me?" Lucy asked innocently.
"Yes, you, since yer've been dead against us getting wed from the start," Reet spat.
"I can honestly say the subject of Harry already being married never came up before now," she replied.
Reet slapped Harry's face which startled him then stormed out.
"Yay-hay!" Lucy screeched as she jumped up and down. "It worked!"
"Thank you, Lucille," Harry said sincerely as he rubbed his cheek. "Though I wasn't counting on being hit."
"Better hit than dead, Harry," Lucy pointed out. He nodded. "Anyway, it was about time you pretended to be the married one," Lucy added. "Remember when you wanted me to be your pregnant wife so you could evade capture by an old girlfriend?"
"I do indeed and it cost me the price of a steam cabinet!" Harry barked. Lucy smiled sweetly. "I knew you said about me being married, Lucille, but I never imagined you'd get the creature from the Black Lagoon to come out of the sea," he said looking daggers at Viv.
"Viv was the only one who could do it, Harry," Lucy replied. "And she was glad of the excuse to come out to California for another visit. Now, when do I get my raise?"
"Raise?" he said. "I can't afford that now I have this cancelled wedding to pay for."
"But, Harry, you promised," Lucy grizzled.
"Start back at the office tomorrow on the same salary at nine am sharp," he ordered. "Not ten. Not noon. Not end of the day. NINE."
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Lucy wailed as Viv, Kim and Craig put their arms around each other.

The End

Patsy