Post by RitaLittlewood on Aug 26, 2007 14:56:18 GMT
This was a sort of early Reet's blog over on Digital Spy when the cruise ship Aurora had engine troubles resulting in the world cruise being cancelled:
12th January 2005
Here I am in Southampton aboard the Aurora and enjoying free booze and compo. So far no one's realised I'm not a passenger. Well they don't know all 2000 of them. I'll be back on the cobbles as soon as either they twig and throw me overboard or it leaves for its world cruise. Right time for a little singalong. They've heard I can sing a bit and want me on stage to entertain. Who am I to refuse since it might get me a record deal? I weren't called the Weatherfield Nightingale for nowt. We've been told Tuesday is the earliest the ship is likely to sail so I'll stay here incognito and enjoy the free booze and compo for as long as I can before I'm discovered. Some of the crew way down in the pecking order remember me face from the papers and asked how I managed to survive Alan Bradley. I declined to answer, saying they should watch the episodes. Alan always were a bit of a nutcase. Never appreciated my singing one bit, unlike Len and my Ted. Alan just wanted me cash so I lured him in front of the tram. He won't try and con me again in a hurry that's for sure. ;D
The peasant moaned as usual even though he's used to me being away a lot. After all, since no one will hire him, he's quite satified with his 1p a week pay. He knows if he complains I'll dock his wages!
There's plenty of old men on this ship and you know me. I'm an old, OLD hand at snaring them.
I were taught everything I know by Elsie Tanner despite the fact she weren't as successful at snaring rich fellas like I am. If I can't get one of these Mike Baldwin's next on me list. I know some people turn their nose up but there's a lot to be said for coffin dodgers. They haven't got long left for starters! Even better when they have a heart condition or terminal illness and a squillion quid in the bank!!!!! ;D
Right back to the bar. Don't want the voddy running out before I can drink the ship dry now, do we? And it's going to be a long night by all accounts with several drinking contests for cash I'm bound to win. ;D
13th January 2005
Well as I expected I won the all-night boozeathon last night and pocketed nearly £6000 winnings. It's still going on and they're all loving the free booze, though are getting fed up with Tom O'Connor's stale jokes after hearing them for the 10th time in 3 days. That's why they keep asking yours truly to get on that stage. So far I haven't been discovered and as far as the passengers are concerned I'm Dame Rita, Duchess of Weatherfield. Oh they are so impressed by titles you know. I'm heading back to the bar for more boozing and betting. Bye for now. ;D
14th January 2005
Oh dear. I have a smelly oik after my body who thinks he's Cary Grant so I'm escaping him for the moment. I'm having a whale of a time here with all this free booze, accommodation and facilities. They asked people if they wanted to go on a bus and see some of Southampton's sights. Well, as we're parked in front of the Bacardi/Martini bottling plant, I can't see a better sight that that! Now if only they'd show us around it instead. Be so much more interesting, especially if they gave us free samples. ;D The bar steward is very nice and there for our every wish. Pity he's so poor or I'd have him. And I've won more money drinking people under the table. I'd be perfectly happy if this ship never sailed and we got to stay on board in the docks for the duration of the cruise. Who needs the world when there's free booze?
Back to the bar and hopefully I can get the captain to rescue me since the oik is poor and used his life savings to come on this trip. He's not even going all the way either. I'll make sure of that!
15th January 2005
The free booze is still flowing and I'm enjoying every drop I can get down my neck. They are now offering a free 18-hole golf game to everyone. Not my glass of voddy but I phoned Mike Baldwin, my next hubby, to let him know. He's thinking about it though free scotch and golf are very tempting. He said it depends on if the factory girls don't play up. Course he doesn't know he's my next hubby. But providing he comes down, even for the day, and has a few I'm sure the captain will be a witness. You need to be underhanded to get your millionaire. Back to the bar to escape the 'entertainment'. Why they brought in other people when they had the wonderful me warbling songs from my opus I shall never know. Still the bars are very crowded so we're all like-minded! ;D
16th January 2005
Well here we are still on the Aurora. I say we because Mike decided the free round of golf was too good an opportunity to miss out on, as well as all that scotch. He's avoiding me a lot though so haven't had the chance to trap him into marriage yet. I thought it was us girls who were meant to play hard to get. I haven't had him on his own since he arrived because he's been talking putters and birdies with some of the other passengers. Time's getting short. This thing's meant to be doing sea trials tonight around and around the Isle of Wight again. They certainly like making us dizzy. No wonder we need all these drinks! Cheek of them though replacing moi with Elaine Paige, saying I was making the passengers jump ship and they don't want to give out too much compensation. They don't seem to realise what a huge star I am! I'm heading back to my best friend for comfort, the one thing never to let me down - my beloved voddy. Have fun!
18th January 2005
Well the freebies are over. We were told last night after docking the repairs were a success and the ship will be sailing late this afternoon. I'm sure the steward wasn't having suspicions but the captain kept asking what cabin I was in and how long I was staying. What a dilemma, girls. Do I risk being caught as a freeloader to snog the captain or make my escape fast before they discovered the truth and make me pay for all those freebies? No choice at all - so Mike and I legged it. I say legged it. We actually shinnied down the mooring rope in the dead of night. I'd dug out one of my sparkly jumpers especially for the occasion and weight of it nearly had me plunging into the murky depths! No wonder I put them away. So back to Weatherfield now the freebies have stopped.
But soon I'll be Mrs Baldwin the LAST which will cheer me up. I'll make sure of that. You know these extra passengers jumping ship over the past few days were made to disappear by Paul Daniels at my request. I threatened to sing if he didn't get rid of more leaving all their share of booze for me to guzzle. He liked that, not a lot. I'm not just a pretty face you know. ;D
I'm sat here in my car in Mayflower Park in the rain and being blown about having prayed to the great God of the voddy that the ship doesn't sail at 5pm and end my fun. Mind you, if it had to go to Germany for more repairs I could always shinny up the mooring rope again and stowaway. It's a big ship so plenty of hiding places and booze on board unguarded. I made the writers give my car back to me by threatening to sing in every episode if they didn't and am considering using the same method if they haven't returned my flat by Easter. They always do my bidding like when they replaced my garage with a window last year. One offer to sing and they made it a garage again. I also demand the back stairs leading from the stock room to my flat which they bricked up and added a sink returned. After all I am meant to go up and down them. How? I can't walk through walls! I'm not dead. What do you mean, how can you tell? I shall perservere because they should know me after all these years. It's now gone 11.30 at night and the ship still hasn't gone as they said it would so I got ropes burns for nowt! I could be up there boozing instead of parked here freezing. Pity I can't sue them for depriving me of my voddy since I wasn't meant to be on board in t'first place. But the latest is not sailing before midnight. I think I'll drag Mike away from his computer golf game and we'll shinny back up the mooring ropes (Mike can give me a piggyback ride so I don't hurt myself again). If it comes to it, we can always jump overboard when it's off. After all, my sparkly jumper will inflate enough to be a wonderful life jacket! ;D
19th January 2005
Still aboard Aurora here in cold Southampton with a view of Marchwood incinerator for these paying passengers rather than whatever they were meant to be seeing in the Caribbean today. Never mind. More than 350 people have left now and I'm guzzling their share of the booze. Waste not, want not! Had a scare earlier when the propellers were going. Looked like it would finally cast off to do another sea trial and if successful continue to Rio while I had to jump overboard pronto and try not to spill a drop! This is make or break but as long as I'm still undetected I'm very happy. Mike booked into a hotel down the road. He says he'll wait for me but is having nowt to do with mooring ropes again and certainly doesn't want to ruin his hair with the sea water. I told him at his age he should be grateful he has any at all and to stop being a wuss. I presume after he stormed off the marriage is postponed but not for too long with any luck, especially with him reportedly being killed off next year. I want a union of our millions and soon! I wonder if I can get Mike to fly me to Vegas to get hitched instead of returning to Weatherfield when this is all over?
So we set sail before 9pm for its final sea trails and we're passing Calshot as we enter the Solent before crossing into the Channel. It it fails again it's back up the water for tomorrow and back to reality since the cruise will be cancelled, freebies end and I don't want to be caught stowing away.
As soon as I know what's happening and they start charging for booze I'm overboard, swimming to shore using one of my sparkly jumpers as a life jacket. We passed Black Prince seemingly returning to Southampton for some unknown reason but has now gone back towards the Channel. I had considered trying to get on that one but I figure if they have a problem too they won't have freebies like Aurora does and for so long! ;D
Right back to the bar while I have the chance.
20th January 2005
After all this sabotaging they've only gone and cancelled the cruise so I'm still here guzzling more free booze until we dock at midnight in Southampton and everyone gets to go home in the morning. Have to get burns again shinnying down the mooring rope but not before stuffing as many bottles of voddy under my sparkly jumper as possible! Says it will rain so it's also a good job I brought my favourite shiny mac for the occasion with it's deep pockets. Such a shame I can't get my hands on any of these refunds and 25% off the next cruise but I'll be discovered and made to pay for all the freebies. So soon I shall swap the dump of Southampton for the dump of Weatherfield until I can sabotage something else. There. My secret's out! I made sure the repairs failed when I heard about the free booze to keep it here as long as possible and lure Mike into my web. You can never have too much of a good thing! ;D
21st January 2005
Watching tonight's episode in the swanky hotel I've conned Mike into paying for Kevin and Sally conned Emily into babysitting. I should think so too seeing as they know full well I'm in Southampton and not Weatherfield.
I'm nursing my rope burns again with Mike's help and am hoping to tell P&O I'm a charity so they'll give all their untouched booze to me like they're giving away all that food to one. And I am such a worthy cause - Alcoholics United! ;D So never fear, what fans I have, I shall return as soon as I get my booze and that's not a promise - it's a warning.
24th January 2005
Yes I'm back. Had no choice really after after the police threatened to arrest me if I sang again and accused me of causing a riot! I mean, as if my dulcet tones could do that. No doubt you'll have noticed the crack I made about my hips. That's because I'm in a lot of pain after shinnying up and down those mooring ropes. The things we alkis do for free booze. You probably noticed how tired I looked. That's from those all-night sessions in the bar. I must find out when the ships are in again so I can do some more sabotage. Despite the rope burns, I really enjoyed myself. Mike didn't return with me. He decided to play that free 18-hole round of gold instead depending on the weather and won't get back to the factory until he's done it. Doesn't he know it's the bride who keeps the future hubby waiting not the other way round? I'll have to take out my frustration on Norris. That'll cheer me up until I snare Mike.
The End
Patsy
12th January 2005
Here I am in Southampton aboard the Aurora and enjoying free booze and compo. So far no one's realised I'm not a passenger. Well they don't know all 2000 of them. I'll be back on the cobbles as soon as either they twig and throw me overboard or it leaves for its world cruise. Right time for a little singalong. They've heard I can sing a bit and want me on stage to entertain. Who am I to refuse since it might get me a record deal? I weren't called the Weatherfield Nightingale for nowt. We've been told Tuesday is the earliest the ship is likely to sail so I'll stay here incognito and enjoy the free booze and compo for as long as I can before I'm discovered. Some of the crew way down in the pecking order remember me face from the papers and asked how I managed to survive Alan Bradley. I declined to answer, saying they should watch the episodes. Alan always were a bit of a nutcase. Never appreciated my singing one bit, unlike Len and my Ted. Alan just wanted me cash so I lured him in front of the tram. He won't try and con me again in a hurry that's for sure. ;D
The peasant moaned as usual even though he's used to me being away a lot. After all, since no one will hire him, he's quite satified with his 1p a week pay. He knows if he complains I'll dock his wages!
There's plenty of old men on this ship and you know me. I'm an old, OLD hand at snaring them.
I were taught everything I know by Elsie Tanner despite the fact she weren't as successful at snaring rich fellas like I am. If I can't get one of these Mike Baldwin's next on me list. I know some people turn their nose up but there's a lot to be said for coffin dodgers. They haven't got long left for starters! Even better when they have a heart condition or terminal illness and a squillion quid in the bank!!!!! ;DRight back to the bar. Don't want the voddy running out before I can drink the ship dry now, do we? And it's going to be a long night by all accounts with several drinking contests for cash I'm bound to win. ;D
13th January 2005
Well as I expected I won the all-night boozeathon last night and pocketed nearly £6000 winnings. It's still going on and they're all loving the free booze, though are getting fed up with Tom O'Connor's stale jokes after hearing them for the 10th time in 3 days. That's why they keep asking yours truly to get on that stage. So far I haven't been discovered and as far as the passengers are concerned I'm Dame Rita, Duchess of Weatherfield. Oh they are so impressed by titles you know. I'm heading back to the bar for more boozing and betting. Bye for now. ;D
14th January 2005
Oh dear. I have a smelly oik after my body who thinks he's Cary Grant so I'm escaping him for the moment. I'm having a whale of a time here with all this free booze, accommodation and facilities. They asked people if they wanted to go on a bus and see some of Southampton's sights. Well, as we're parked in front of the Bacardi/Martini bottling plant, I can't see a better sight that that! Now if only they'd show us around it instead. Be so much more interesting, especially if they gave us free samples. ;D The bar steward is very nice and there for our every wish. Pity he's so poor or I'd have him. And I've won more money drinking people under the table. I'd be perfectly happy if this ship never sailed and we got to stay on board in the docks for the duration of the cruise. Who needs the world when there's free booze?
Back to the bar and hopefully I can get the captain to rescue me since the oik is poor and used his life savings to come on this trip. He's not even going all the way either. I'll make sure of that!
15th January 2005
The free booze is still flowing and I'm enjoying every drop I can get down my neck. They are now offering a free 18-hole golf game to everyone. Not my glass of voddy but I phoned Mike Baldwin, my next hubby, to let him know. He's thinking about it though free scotch and golf are very tempting. He said it depends on if the factory girls don't play up. Course he doesn't know he's my next hubby. But providing he comes down, even for the day, and has a few I'm sure the captain will be a witness. You need to be underhanded to get your millionaire. Back to the bar to escape the 'entertainment'. Why they brought in other people when they had the wonderful me warbling songs from my opus I shall never know. Still the bars are very crowded so we're all like-minded! ;D
16th January 2005
Well here we are still on the Aurora. I say we because Mike decided the free round of golf was too good an opportunity to miss out on, as well as all that scotch. He's avoiding me a lot though so haven't had the chance to trap him into marriage yet. I thought it was us girls who were meant to play hard to get. I haven't had him on his own since he arrived because he's been talking putters and birdies with some of the other passengers. Time's getting short. This thing's meant to be doing sea trials tonight around and around the Isle of Wight again. They certainly like making us dizzy. No wonder we need all these drinks! Cheek of them though replacing moi with Elaine Paige, saying I was making the passengers jump ship and they don't want to give out too much compensation. They don't seem to realise what a huge star I am! I'm heading back to my best friend for comfort, the one thing never to let me down - my beloved voddy. Have fun!
18th January 2005
Well the freebies are over. We were told last night after docking the repairs were a success and the ship will be sailing late this afternoon. I'm sure the steward wasn't having suspicions but the captain kept asking what cabin I was in and how long I was staying. What a dilemma, girls. Do I risk being caught as a freeloader to snog the captain or make my escape fast before they discovered the truth and make me pay for all those freebies? No choice at all - so Mike and I legged it. I say legged it. We actually shinnied down the mooring rope in the dead of night. I'd dug out one of my sparkly jumpers especially for the occasion and weight of it nearly had me plunging into the murky depths! No wonder I put them away. So back to Weatherfield now the freebies have stopped.
But soon I'll be Mrs Baldwin the LAST which will cheer me up. I'll make sure of that. You know these extra passengers jumping ship over the past few days were made to disappear by Paul Daniels at my request. I threatened to sing if he didn't get rid of more leaving all their share of booze for me to guzzle. He liked that, not a lot. I'm not just a pretty face you know. ;DI'm sat here in my car in Mayflower Park in the rain and being blown about having prayed to the great God of the voddy that the ship doesn't sail at 5pm and end my fun. Mind you, if it had to go to Germany for more repairs I could always shinny up the mooring rope again and stowaway. It's a big ship so plenty of hiding places and booze on board unguarded.
I made the writers give my car back to me by threatening to sing in every episode if they didn't and am considering using the same method if they haven't returned my flat by Easter. They always do my bidding like when they replaced my garage with a window last year. One offer to sing and they made it a garage again. I also demand the back stairs leading from the stock room to my flat which they bricked up and added a sink returned. After all I am meant to go up and down them. How? I can't walk through walls! I'm not dead. What do you mean, how can you tell? I shall perservere because they should know me after all these years. It's now gone 11.30 at night and the ship still hasn't gone as they said it would so I got ropes burns for nowt! I could be up there boozing instead of parked here freezing. Pity I can't sue them for depriving me of my voddy since I wasn't meant to be on board in t'first place. But the latest is not sailing before midnight. I think I'll drag Mike away from his computer golf game and we'll shinny back up the mooring ropes (Mike can give me a piggyback ride so I don't hurt myself again). If it comes to it, we can always jump overboard when it's off. After all, my sparkly jumper will inflate enough to be a wonderful life jacket! ;D19th January 2005
Still aboard Aurora here in cold Southampton with a view of Marchwood incinerator for these paying passengers rather than whatever they were meant to be seeing in the Caribbean today. Never mind. More than 350 people have left now and I'm guzzling their share of the booze. Waste not, want not! Had a scare earlier when the propellers were going. Looked like it would finally cast off to do another sea trial and if successful continue to Rio while I had to jump overboard pronto and try not to spill a drop! This is make or break but as long as I'm still undetected I'm very happy. Mike booked into a hotel down the road. He says he'll wait for me but is having nowt to do with mooring ropes again and certainly doesn't want to ruin his hair with the sea water. I told him at his age he should be grateful he has any at all and to stop being a wuss. I presume after he stormed off the marriage is postponed but not for too long with any luck, especially with him reportedly being killed off next year. I want a union of our millions and soon! I wonder if I can get Mike to fly me to Vegas to get hitched instead of returning to Weatherfield when this is all over?
So we set sail before 9pm for its final sea trails and we're passing Calshot as we enter the Solent before crossing into the Channel. It it fails again it's back up the water for tomorrow and back to reality since the cruise will be cancelled, freebies end and I don't want to be caught stowing away.
As soon as I know what's happening and they start charging for booze I'm overboard, swimming to shore using one of my sparkly jumpers as a life jacket. We passed Black Prince seemingly returning to Southampton for some unknown reason but has now gone back towards the Channel. I had considered trying to get on that one but I figure if they have a problem too they won't have freebies like Aurora does and for so long! ;DRight back to the bar while I have the chance.
20th January 2005
After all this sabotaging they've only gone and cancelled the cruise so I'm still here guzzling more free booze until we dock at midnight in Southampton and everyone gets to go home in the morning. Have to get burns again shinnying down the mooring rope but not before stuffing as many bottles of voddy under my sparkly jumper as possible! Says it will rain so it's also a good job I brought my favourite shiny mac for the occasion with it's deep pockets.
Such a shame I can't get my hands on any of these refunds and 25% off the next cruise but I'll be discovered and made to pay for all the freebies. So soon I shall swap the dump of Southampton for the dump of Weatherfield until I can sabotage something else. There. My secret's out! I made sure the repairs failed when I heard about the free booze to keep it here as long as possible and lure Mike into my web. You can never have too much of a good thing! ;D21st January 2005
Watching tonight's episode in the swanky hotel I've conned Mike into paying for Kevin and Sally conned Emily into babysitting. I should think so too seeing as they know full well I'm in Southampton and not Weatherfield.
I'm nursing my rope burns again with Mike's help and am hoping to tell P&O I'm a charity so they'll give all their untouched booze to me like they're giving away all that food to one. And I am such a worthy cause - Alcoholics United! ;D So never fear, what fans I have, I shall return as soon as I get my booze and that's not a promise - it's a warning.
24th January 2005
Yes I'm back. Had no choice really after after the police threatened to arrest me if I sang again and accused me of causing a riot! I mean, as if my dulcet tones could do that. No doubt you'll have noticed the crack I made about my hips. That's because I'm in a lot of pain after shinnying up and down those mooring ropes. The things we alkis do for free booze.
You probably noticed how tired I looked. That's from those all-night sessions in the bar. I must find out when the ships are in again so I can do some more sabotage. Despite the rope burns, I really enjoyed myself. Mike didn't return with me. He decided to play that free 18-hole round of gold instead depending on the weather and won't get back to the factory until he's done it. Doesn't he know it's the bride who keeps the future hubby waiting not the other way round? I'll have to take out my frustration on Norris. That'll cheer me up until I snare Mike. The End
Patsy
