Happiness Is...A Bulging Bank Balance

[mrsbarlow]

Very good,although i think you should space out the sentences a bit more,because by being so clustered ,the story is very hard to read.

[RitaLittlewood]

I know. It's not ideal but was the way I did it originally and having it more spaced out makes it even longer to read. I did try and space them out but it ended up being too big and, as you'll have seen, I have a habit of having really long parts. LOL! Shorter stuff I have been able to space out better.

Plenty of Ken in this too. I hope you won't be too upset when he turns gay. It's just a bit of fun with ridiculous ideas in the style of current Corrie. LOL!

Patsy

[mrsbarlow]

Ha,Ha ,i can't wait to see a gay ken this is going to be brilliant.That is a very creative and original idea,I'm laughing at the thought of it.I can understand what you mean about being spaced out.

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 26 it starts with Ken being gay but he appears in a few parts time then a lot until the end. There's 69 in total. That's why I'm putting them up 2 at a time. He also becomes a drag queen. You're too young I imagine to have even heard of Dick Emery. But basically Ken is like the stereotyped gay character he did, like calling people honkytonk and things. I ran it past a couple of gay friends first because I was worried it would cause offence but they loved it.

Patsy

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 19

It was the morning after the night before and Reet was in The Kabin as usual. Fred was not impressed. "You only lost yer husband yesterday," he chided. "You shouldn't be working."
"Fred," she sighed. "There's no one to take over."
"Then shut t'shop. Folk'll understand," he suggested.
"And lose a day's profits? Forget it!" she retorted. At that moment Curly walked in. "Be with you in a minute, Curly," she told him.
"No hurry," he replied and browsed the magazines.
"Anyone'd think you didn't care Alan's dead the way you're carrying on," Fred continued.
"Of course I care!" she barked. "I'm not completely heartless, you know."
"I didn't say you were," he replied.
"No. But you're implying it," she spat. "Look, Fred," she tried approaching this calmly. "If yer must know, the holiday was a last attempt to save our marriage." She tried to remember the lies she told Curly 12 hours earlier.
"But you seemed so happy," Fred said, unable to believe his ears.
"Well, we weren't," she replied. "We were even discussing divorce."
"I see," Fred said sadly.
"I did love him," she quickly added. "Just not the way I had originally."
"I'm very sorry, Reet," Fred said. "I'll see you later." He walked out leaving her alone with Curly.
"So, what can I do for yer?" she asked, forcing herself to be cheerful.
"I think you know why I'm here, Reet," he said leaning towards her and glancing at the door. He decided to lock it which made her angry.
"'Ey! What about me profits?" she demanded.
"Forget your profits for a few minutes," he pleaded.
"Yer aren't serious," she snorted.
"Reet, we need to talk about last night," he said.
She walked away from him. "I'd hoped yer'd forgotten all about that."
"How can I forget?" he asked as he followed her. "I love you."
"Don't be daft," she replied.
"I've loved you for months," he went on. "Haven't you noticed how I'm always where you are lately?"
She thought about it. "Come to think of it, yer have been around more than normal. And yer couldn't stop touching me at Kev and Sal's wedding," she noted.
"Someone had to stop you falling on your face after the amount you were drinking even before we left for the registry office," he stated.
"Get out!" she yelled.
"You don't really want me to go, Reet," he moved closer.
"Wanna bet?" she raised an eyebrow. The door rattled. "A customer!" she cried.
"Leave it," he put his arms around her.
"What about me money?" she shrieked. It went quiet. "Yer've just lost me at least 1 pence," she snapped. "How dare yer!"
"Oh, shut up," he ordered then they kissed passionately.

Outside Emma turned the pushchair around confused. "I was sure Norman said he was popping into The Kabin," she said to herself frowning. "I wonder where he can be?"

Two days later, Audrey was pestering Reet and trying to convince her of Richard's behaviour. Reet was getting increasingly fed up. "Look, Audrey," she tried not to clonk her one. "Just be grateful yer've got a decent storyline and make the most of the attention."
"But, Reet-" Audrey whined.
"Oh, shurrup!" Reet snapped. "Enjoy it, woman. I'd give owt for something as meaty as that. It's been far too long so have to make my own entertainment."
"Ooooh, I give up!" Audrey was frustrated and stormed out.
"Good! Now I can get back to me stocktaking!" Reet shouted after her. She pointed at Norris. "And yer can shurrup an' all."
"I wasn't going to say anything," he protested.
"That'll make a change," she replied then went out back. After a while he heard an, "Oi, Cole! Get in here this instant!"
He did as ordered. "What is it, Reet?" he asked nervously.
"There's a new box of mints missing," she barked. "Where is it?"
"How do I know?" he shrugged. "You put everything away."
"Don't give me that," she continued. "Yer've eaten them, haven't yer? Come on. Admit it."
"I've done nothing of the sort!" he gasped. "How could you accuse me of something like that?"
"Because yer've got sticky fingers," she said, grabbing his hands. "Literally."
He pulled his hands away. "I'm not stopping here to be insulted," he said, grabbing his coat.
"Why not? Here's as good a place as any," she remarked.
"I'll only be back when you've apologised, Reet," he told her then left, bumping into Ken on his way out.
"Fat chance!" she yelled after him. She noticed Ken. "I'm really sorry about that, Ken."
"Another falling out?" he asked, running his hand through his fringe.
She nodded. "Not important. So, what can I do for yer?"
"I'd like you to meet the cousin I was telling you about. Reet, this is Rockerfeller Barlow. Rock, this is Reet Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley."
Rock kissed her hand. "Charmed Reet. Cousin Ken here's told me all about you."
"Not everything, I hope," she gushed, thinking how before he knew what hit him he'd be matched and despatched.
"He didn't tell me how beautiful you were," Rock gazed deep into her eyes.
"Nor me you," she stammered, thinking it was such a shame to do away with this American hunk, even though she knew she must get her manicured claws on Les's future loot as well.
"I told Reet about your lottery win, Rock," Ken said. "But she's promised not to tell anyone."
"Oh, that's okay, Kenny," Rock beamed. "You can both tell who you want. You see, I don't have the money no more."
"Yer what?" Reet's eyes narrowed.
"No. I gave it all away to save the lettuces. An overlooked cause, you must admit," he explained.
Reet snatched her hand away. "If yer say so," she replied bitterly.
"Come on, Rock," Ken piped up. "Let's go for a drink. See yer, Reet."
"Bye," she forced flatly.
"Nice to have met you," Rock added.
"Likewise," Reet forced a smile and watched them go, ripped open a bar of chocolate and bit it hard in frustration.

Outside Ken and Rock made their way across the road. "Well done, Rock," Ken smiled. "I knew if you'd not lied about the money she'd be in our family, and we don't want that."
"Well, you know the little lady better than I do," Rock conceded.
"Yes, I do. VERY well. And if you value your life, you'll stick to that story. Come on," Ken went ahead.
"She's not that bad surely," Rock quite liked Reet.
"Depends on what you mean," Ken said. "Rich husbands don't live too long around our Reet. I know that for certain. You get involved with her at your peril. Trust me." They entered the pub in silence.

Meanwhile, back in The Kabin, Reet was suspicious and decided to do a bit of detective work.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 20

Several days later and Reet got the news she'd been hoping for. She took out The Secret Diary Of Rita Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley, aged getting closer to 71 - is there any way of stopping time?! and wrote the latest entry: Turns out I was right. Ken's multi-millionaire American cousin is still just that. Save the lettuces indeed! I bet Ken put him up to spinning that tale. If there was any chance of being left loads of cash in his will, I'd kill that Ken Barlow for trying to keep true love apart - me and money! But luckily I'm not one who gives up as easily as he hopes. I'll teach that Ken Barlow to stick to fiddling with his hair rather than interfere with my destiny. She closed the diary and hid it before dabbing on some of her homemade perfume on and going to the Rovers in the hope of seeing her next legacy. As she crossed the road, she began working on ways to try and get Rock alone without making it seem contrived. She entered the pub, casually glancing around. She noticed Ken in a booth sit upright when he spotted her while Rock turned to look at her. She ignored them, pretending she hadn't spotted them and went to Norris instead.
"Ah, Norris," she greeted. "I'm glad I caught yer."
He drained his glass. "I'm just off," he replied as he put in on the bar.
"But I want to talk to yer," she implored.
He looked at her. "I think you said everything last Friday." He made to leave but she barred his way, trying hard not to clonk him one with her enormous 80s-style clutch bag.
"I want to apologise. I found the box. I must've put it on the wrong shelf when Curly..." she stopped as she realised what she was about to say.
"When Curly what?" Norris asked, his curiosity aroused.
"Eh?" She rubbed her temple. "Oh, er, Curly gave me a hand sorting them out. Obviously lost concentration while we were talking."
"Oh," Norris said, disappointed he wasn't going to hear any gossip.
"So, am I forgiven?" she looked at him with her best pitiful expression.
"Oh, I suppose so," he smiled, unable to resist big, dark eyes.
"Great!" she beamed. "See yer in the morning as usual." She made eye contact with Rock before leaving. He winked back, making sure Ken didn't see it. She smiled out the corner of her mouth then left. Outside, she leapt up and punched the air cheering. Then straightened her clothes, regained her dignity and returned to The Kabin to await the latest fly in her web.

She didn't have to wait too long. "Hello Rock," she said.
"Hiya, Reet," he replied. "Hey, that's a nice perfume you have on there. What's is called?"
"T'Rapt," she told him.
He frowned. "Trapped? Strange name."
"No. It's T, apostrophe, R-A-P-T. It's an old northern scent meaning the rapt," she explained, knowing he was right the first time.
"I see," he said. "It's very nice."
She smiled coyly. "Thank yer."
"You know, er, Reet," he began hesitantly. "Cousin Kenny doesn't want me to have anything to do with you."
"Why ever not?" she gasped, knowing full well why and thought he was a spoilsport.
"He seems to think you'll be after my money," he said.
"But yer haven't got any," she replied in all innocence.
He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Well, that's not strictly true."
"Oh?" she raised an eyebrow. "It was Kenny's idea to say I gave it all away," he said.
"I don't see why," she lied, glad her theory was right. "Besides, what would I want yer money for? I've got about a hundred million quid of me own."
"Really?" he was surprised. "Kenny never told me that." He gazed into her eyes. She could see the scent had worked yet again. "You know, Kenny wouldn't approve if he knew I was here," he said.
"Well..." she came out from behind the counter and stopped in front of him.
"Kenny doesn't have to know, does he?" She smiled coyly again.
"No. Oh, what the heck. Let's get married," Rock suggested.
"What?" she feigned surprise. "We've only just met."
"Who cares? I love you, Reet and I want you to be my wife. Life's too short." You got that bit right, she thought. "Whaddya say?" he continued.
She paused for effect, biting her lip and frowning before beaming broadly. "Yes, Rock. I'll marry you."
He threw his arms around her. "Oh, Reet!" he cried, completely over the moon. "You don't know how happy you've made me."
"I'm happy too, Rock," she replied, thinking of how to become a widow once again. "I love yer," she eventually added. They kissed passionately. "But if Ken disapproves, how are we gonna get wed?" she asked, suddenly realising her former lover could be a major spanner in the works.
"Don't you worry about that," Rock assured. "You fly out to the States and we'll get married there. Kenny don't need to know a thing about it till it's done."
She nodded. "I'll be there. Yer try and stop me. But when?" She hoped she didn't sound too impatient.
Rock pondered. "I fly home at the weekend so a few days afterwards?" She nodded eagerly, anxious to get her widows weeds out for a 5th time.
It was two days after the gruesome murder and Reet was in The Kabin. "Isn't it terrible?" Norris was saying."
Yes. Now, can we get back to business please, Norris?" Reet sighed impatiently.
"But the murder and poor Mrs Bishop-" he protested.
"Well, life goes on," she dismissed. Norris couldn't believe how heartless she was being. "Now, I'm trusting yer to look after the shop while I'm away," she continued.
"You're going away again?" he asked. "Why?"
"Because it's in my contract," she reminded him.
"But you were only off just before Christmas," he stated.
"And I'm off again so shurrup and listen," she demanded.
"You get more time off that me," he said solemnly. "That's because I'm rich, better than yer and can do what I like," she snapped.
"How long are you away for?" he asked.
"As long as it takes," she told him. "I'll be back before you know it. Now, if anyone wants me, I'll be upstairs packing."
"Where are you going?" he added. "Think I'm gonna tell yer so yer can blab and the paparazzi start following me about? Don't be daft," she snorted and left.
"But I have to get to the hospital to see Mrs Bishop!" he called after her.
"Yer can do that in the evenings so get to work!" she ordered. Norris sulked, shocked by her behaviour.

A short while later as she was dabbing on some parfum de l'argent, Ashley entered the flat. "Reet," he squeaked. "Maxime's dead."
"I know. I'm very sorry," she replied as she continued packing, not really sorry at all.
"That means we're both free," he pointed out.
She stopped what she was doing and looked at him. "What do yer mean?"
He moved closer and took her hands in his. "It's what we dreamed of," he said. "Maxime's gone. Alan's gone. In a few months, we can finally get married."
She removed her hands and went back to her packing. "I'm sorry, Ash. I'd really love to. Yer know that. But I'm very busy until at least April 2004. Can yer wait that long?"
"Suppose I'll have to," he pouted.
"Doesn't mean we still can't see each other in secret, does it?" she suggested.
"Suppose not," he replied. "Good. So I'll see you when I get back," she kissed him and did up her last case.
"Where you going?" he squeaked.
"Holiday," was all she'd say. "Back whenever. I need a break after Alan. Yer understand that, don't yer, Ash, darling?"
"Suppose so," he shrugged.
She heard a horn and looked out the window. "That's me taxi. Give us a hand with me cases, there's a love."
He did as requested while she looked forward to her return, hoping it wouldn't be too far off.

Several hours later it was almost 11pm. The phone rang at the Barlows. Ken answered. "Hello? Rock! Great to hear from you. How are you?" His face fell. "Yeah. Bye." He hung up.
Deirdre noticed the change in his mood. "What's up?"
"I need a drink," he replied, grabbed his coat and went next door to the pub. She followed. Inside Curly nearly bumped into him as he was on his way out. "Sorry," Ken mumbled and went to the bar. "Brandy, Fred. Better make it a triple."
"That's not like you, Kenneth," Fred noted. "I say, that's not like you. Sure you wouldn't prefer a half?"
"Are you going to get my drink or not, Fred?" Ken snapped.
"All right. Keep your hair on," Fred got his drink.
"Everything okay, Ken?" Curly enquired.
"Depends on your definition of okay," came the reply.
"Oh. Well, goodnight, then," Curly felt uneasy.
"Goodnight," Ken said as the drink arrived and he downed it in one.
"Oh, by the way," Curly remembered. "You haven't seen Reet around, have you?"
"Seen her?" Ken snorted in disgust. "No, but I can tell you where she is."
"That'd be great. Thanks, Ken," Curly smiled.
"Las Vegas!" Ken cried.
"Eh?" the pub gasped.
"That's right. Not long ago, Reet Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley, rich widow of this parish became Reet Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley-Barlow, would you believe?" he announced.
Curly was heartbroken. "You're kidding, aren't you?"
"Would I be drinking treble brandies if I were?" Ken raised an eyebrow.
Curly moped out, unable to believe what he'd just heard and resolved to have it out with her when or IF she returned.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 21

Nearly 2 weeks later Reet arrived at Barbara Knox International Airport, formerly known as just plain Manchester. After clearing customs she went to the ladies to check herself in the mirror. I always did look great in black, she thought as she admired her reflection. She touched up her make-up to make it seem like she'd been crying and left to get a taxi. Once she reached Ritanation Street, she asked the driver to stop at number 1 and drop her luggage off at the shop. She stood outside the Barlow's door, got a tear stick out of her bag to force the tears and knocked.
An ashen and stern-faced Ken opened it. "I didn't think you'd have the nerve to come back after what you've done," he hissed at her.
"It was an accident," she sobbed.
"I did love Rock." "You've only ever loved yourself, money and vodka Mrs BARLOW, and not necessarily in that order," he moved his face so close she could smell the halitosis.
"I have more than enough money of me own, Ken," she countered. Neither noticed Curly come out of his house. "I marry for love not cash."
"You don't fool me, Reet," he hissed again. "This is one dead husband too many. You'll pay for the death of my beloved cousin," he warned, eyebrow raised.
"Beloved cousin?!" she scoffed. "Up to a few weeks ago he never even existed. He was a plot device created to give us both something to do!"
"That's beside the point. Now stay away from me if you know what's good for you!" he slammed the door which took her by surprise.
"Well!" she gasped.
"Reet!" she heard Curly shout and could tell by his tone he wasn't a happy Barney. "Oh heck," she mumbled, reached for the tear stick quickly then turned round to face him. "Hello Curly."
"Is it true?" he demanded. "Did you marry Ken's cousin?" She nodded sadly. "But I thought-" he began.
"It's not what yer think," she quickly interrupted. "Let's go over to the flat and I'll explain everything. Please." He reluctantly agreed and followed her across the road.

Inside Norris had put down the last of her cases as they walked in. "Ah, thank yer, Norris. You always were a good handmaiden. That'll be all," she dismissed him with a wave of her hand. Curly waited until he'd gone before speaking.
"Well, Mrs Barlow?" She took her hat and coat off. "Drink?"
"No, ta," he replied impatiently.
"I think I'll have one," she went to pour herself a large one.
"Don't you always?" he said sarcastically.
She was startled. "I've just been through a terrible ordeal," she lied as she poured the liquid then sat. She indicated for him to do the same. "Yes, I'll admit I arranged to meet Rock. He said he would show me some of the States." She took a sip. "What I hadn't banked on was him getting me kaylied and into a grotty wedding chapel. All he wanted from me was someone to wash his socks." She was amazed at how fast her brain came up with so many whoppers.
"And cook his meals?" Curly was still sarcastic.
"No. He insisted on takeaways," she replied. "It was horrible, Curly. I thought I'd be stuck there forever."
"What happened?" he asked, trying not to care but Reet could see he was falling for it.
"He went out one day and had an accident. After the funeral, I got the first flight home. I've tried to explain to Ken it was none of my doing, but he won't even speak to me."
"So I noticed," Curly noted.
"I genuinely believed I was just going out there on holiday. Yer do believe me, don't yer, Curly?" She looked pitifully at him.
He sighed. "Yes, I believe you." She did her best not to show how delighted she was. "I'd best leave you to it. Got Maxine's funeral to go to soon," he said as he stood.
"Oh, is that today?" she asked.
He nodded. "I don't suppose you feel like another funeral so soon."
Reet thought. "Well, not particularly," she replied slowly. "However, as Maxine was a friend and neighbour, I'll force meself. At least I won't have to change. I'll see you later at the church then."
"Okay," he pecked her on the cheek and left.
She swigged the vodka and got out The Secret Diary Of Rita Littlewood- Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley-Barlow, aged who cares when you're as rich as I am? Rock's dead, she wrote. It was a terrible accident. Crushed by the rocks that matched the ones in his head after I accidentally on purpose shoved several boulders down that hill after him. Now to plan for Les Battersby. Disgusting thought but it'll be a small sacrifice and I can't let anyone else get that money he'll come into. She smiled, raised her glass in silent toast to all her wealth and drank.

Meanwhile at Weatherfield police station, Ken was making a complaint. "I'd like to report a suspicious death," he was telling the desk sergeant. "Maybe even a murder. Or several murders."

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 22

A few days later the police were visiting Ken Barlow about his accusation.
"Are you quite sure about this, Mr Barlow?" asked the constable. "Only you see, one minute you're claiming Aidan Critchley is innocent for the murder of Maxine Peacock and attack on Emily Bishop, and the next you're accusing your neighbour of mass murder."
"Look," Ken raised an eyebrow and ran his hair through his heavily lacquered fringe. "Ow! Where was I? Oh yes. It's just a suspicion about Reet Barlow. But you have to admit it's very strange she's so often a widow."
The constable checked his notes. "But you're suggesting she may have even been responsible for the death of Len Fairclough in December 1983."
Ken was beginning to get frustrated. "I just said I wouldn't be surprised , that's all. Are you going to look into it or not?"
The policeman nodded. "My sergeant is going to see her as we speak."
"Excellent," Ken beamed. "She mustn't be allowed to get away with it."
"Quite," replied the PC, clearly humouring him.

At The Kabin, Reet froze when she saw the sergeant walk through the door. "Tony?" she warily asked. "Tony Cunliffe? Is that you?"
"Reet!" he greeted cheerily. "I never expected to see yer again."
Norris's curiosity was aroused. "Do you two know each other then?"
"A long time ago," Tony replied, not taking his eyes of her.
"A VERY long time ago," Reet added. "Still a sergeant I see. Thought yer'd be head of Scotland Yard by now."
"Well I'm not," he replied. "People who remember will recognise me better at this rank." He gazed into her eyes. "We could've been so good together, Reet."
She smiled sweetly. "We were."
"Could've been better," he told her.
"It was too soon after Len. I wasn't ready. I told yer that at the time," she said.
"I know you did," he conceded. "Still a wasted opportunity."
"Anyway," she quickly changed the subject. "What are yer doing here?"
"I'm here to see a Mrs Reet Barlow. I suppose that'll be you," he replied.
"Yes," she nodded. "Owt wrong?"
"I'm afraid there's been a very serious allegation made against you," he informed her seriously. She began to worry."
What sort of allegation?" Norris jumped in.
Reet glared at him. "Tony, come through here and go up to the flat. I'll be with yer in a minute." He did and as soon as he was out of earshot, she rounded on Norris. "Wind your nose in! Can't you keep it out of anything that doesn't concern you?"
"But-" he stammered.
"But nowt!" she snapped. "I'll probably tell yer all about it later. Now behave or you WILL be out of a job as well." He sulked as she disappeared to join Tony. She had an inkling why he was there and hoped she could bluff her way out of it. She took a deep breath, forced a smile and went into the lounge. "Sit down."
"Thanks," he did and she sat opposite him. "So, what's all this about?"
Tony rubbed his chin. "It's been suggested you may have murdered your husbands."
Reet laughed. "You are kidding?" He shook his head. "But why would I want to do a think like that?"
"Money," he stated.
"Oh, come off it. Yer know me, Tony. Do yer honestly think I'm capable of such a thing?" she raised an eyebrow and put on her best innocent expression.
"Doesn't matter what I think," he told her. "It's what the guvs do and if they decide there's enough evidence to charge you. Then it's up to the CPS."
“But, Tony-" she began to get worried and decided the best course of action would be to turn on the waterworks.
"You must admit, Reet, it is a bit suspicious you've had 3 dead husbands in as many months," he said, trying not to look at the tears she'd got streaming from her eyes.
"It's not what it looks like," she sniffed with dignity while her nose dripped onto the carpet. "It can all be explained."
"Then you won't have any objection to coming down to the station with me to make a statement, will you?" he asked.
She shook her head. "Not in the least," she replied confidently and wiped her eyes and nose.
"That's a relief," he said. "Because I'd hate to have to arrest you."
"Yer wouldn't? Not to me, Tony?" she was shocked.
"Shall we go?" he stood.
"Why not?" she shrugged. "Sooner we get this over with, sooner you'll see yer've been wasting your time."
"I hope so," he replied sincerely. "I'd hate for it to be true, Reet."
"It's not," she tried controlling her temper, but afraid she'd have to give up the millions she worked so hard in acquiring. They made their way out. "Don't suppose yer can tell me who made up this tale?" she asked hopefully.
"Afraid not," he said. They went through the shop.
"What's going on?" Norris was on overdrive. "I'm being accused of murder, would yer believe?" she shrieked. "Totally ridiculous!"
"They're not saying it was you who killed Maxine and tried to kill Emily, are they?" he fiddled with his pen.
"Don't be daft," she laughed. "Yer just keep an eye on things. I'm going out now and I may be some time." With that they went through the door and stepped onto the pavement. As Reet was about to get into the police car, she spotted Ken come out of his house with a young policeman and she suddenly twigged when he looked at her smugly. "I'll get yer Ken Barlow!" she yelled and ran towards him. At that moment, Archie came round the corner in his hearse and hit Reet, sending her lifeless body crashing to the ground.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 23

Everyone was horrified at the events on the cobbles after coming out to see what all the racket was. Ken had been affected worst, his eyebrow going up and down like a windscreen wiper. "Will she be all right?"
"If not," Norris reasoned, "That coffin'll come in very handy."
"But there's somebody in it," Archie was disgusted at such a remark.
"Is it a man or a woman?" asked Norris genuinely.
"What difference does that make?" Archie was incredulous.
"Well," Norris began, "she won't mind sharing if it's a man."
"I heard that, Cole!" a voice boomed. Everyone looked down to see Reet looking back at them.
"Reet!" Norris cried overjoyed. "You're alive!"
"Yer won't be much longer if yer keep making cracks like that," she barked. "So yer can stop planning my funeral and get back to the shop."
"Pardon me for caring," he whined.
"Oh, shurrup and make me some money." She sat up and noticed Ken. "Will you control yer eyebrow? It's making me dizzy."
"I'm sorry," he said quietly and put his hand over it.
"Oooh, get out of my sight, Barlow," she ordered. He did and stopped outside his front door.
"Reet?" Tony crouched beside her. "Do you want to press charges?"
"Charges?!" Archie spluttered.
"You were obviously speeding," Tony pointed out.
"I was doing 5 miles an hour!" Archie shrieked.
"It's okay, Tony," Reet said. "Just help me out of the road, would you? Archie can go on his way."
"Are you sure?" Tony was itching for some sort of result today.
She nodded so he helped her up and she sat on the wall by the salon while Archie drove away. Reet looked at Ken through narrow eyes, then realised the mascara had stuck her lashes together again so plied them apart and glared at him normally, her business with him not over by a long chalk. She got to her feet. "I'm fine now, really," she assured her former policeman boyfriend. "I'd just like a word with Ken, if that's okay." He nodded. "I won't run away. Promise." she smiled sweetly knowing he always was putty in her hands when she acted the helpless little woman.
No one noticed David shouting in the street. "Barney! Barney come back!" He ran after the escaped bunny who was fed up with being ignored by everyone and desperately craved attention. Barney ran into the road. Suddenly everyone heard the screech of brakes and another thud. "Richard!" David shouted. "What have you done?"
Richard was stunned. He slowly got out of the car and the realisation of his actions hit him like a spade. He knelt down, picked up the white bundle and sobbed as he cradled Barney in his arms. "It's okay, David," he assured.
"No, it's not okay!" David shouted back.
"Barney's alive," Richard replied.
"I know that, since he was on t'other side of t'road," David explained.
"I'm talking about Reet. Is she dead?" David was worried.
But not half as worried as Richard who'd hate to go to prison for killing his former lover when she was of as much value to him as Maxine.
Ken slowly made his way towards her lifeless body again. "She can't have survived the impact this time surely," he said quietly. "She must have terrible head injuries by now."
"Don't bank on it!" a voice said firmly. "Reet!" the crowd gasped. "Me hair's reinforced with lacquer, I have a strong constitution and am immortal. So no one will EVER get rid of me, no matter how hard they try." She stared at Richard. "What did yer drive on the pavement for?" she shouted. "Cars are for roads. They're the grey wide things with lines down the middle. Or in this case, covered with cobbles."
"I was avoiding Barney," he hissed. "He was my priority."
She was taken aback by his reaction. "Right. Tony, I want HIM charged. Take him away." Richard was stunned, handed Barney over to David and went with the young constable. "I'm going home. Can I answer your questions tomorrow, Tony?" she asked.
"Of course," he replied. "Come on. Let's get you inside." He helped her up again.
"And don't think I've finished with yer Ken Barlow, because I've not," she warned and Tony led her back to her flat.

A couple of hours later, Ken visited Reet. "What do yer want?" she snapped. "Oh, Reet," he breathed. "I can't go on like this. I love you."

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 24

Over the next few days, Reet had managed to avoid being questioned about Ken's accusation by feigning illness after being run over twice. She was pleased Tony was still gullible enough to believe every word she said. As she'd written in her secret diary, she wasn't an award-winning megastar for nowt.
Tony was round again. "Good news," he was saying. "The allegation has been withdrawn." Reet couldn't believe it and suspected Ken was up to something.
"Are yer sure?" she asked.
Tony nodded. "So, this is the last you'll be seeing of me. Unless..." he hesitated.
"Unless what?" she wondered.
"Well, once you're over your mourning, if there was a chance for you and me to..." he began.
"Pick up where we left off in 1984?" she finished for him.
He blushed. "Only if you want to, Reet."
She smiled. "Well, I can't say yes, and I can't say no. Just have to wait and see."
"I can understand that," he concluded. "But I won't push you like I did before."
"I hope not," she replied.
"Well," he stood. "I'll be off. It was really lovely to see you again after all these years, Reet."
"You too, Tony," she said. "Goodbye." "
See yer," he kissed her hand and let himself out.
She went to the window and watched as the car drove away then went to the phone and dialled. "Ken? It's Reet. I want to talk to yer. Can you come over to the flat?" She grinned. "See yer shortly then." She hung up and made herself more beautiful while she waited. By the magic of dramatic licence, he was on her doorstep within seconds all preened and ready to face her. She let him in.
"Thank you for agreeing to see me," Ken told her as he ran his fingers through his fringe.
"I only agreed to find out what yer game is," she said coldly.
"Game?" he raised an eyebrow and frowned like he was constipated.
"All that crap about loving me," she snorted.
"Oh, Reet," he breathed. "It's far from crap. I hadn't realised until you were knocked down and I thought you were dead both times."
Reet went to her beloved vodka. "Yer accused me off mass murder. That's some great love, Ken!" she pointed out before swigging from the bottle.
"My dear cousin had married you then died. I was upset," he replied, still looking constipated.
Reet opened more vodka. "The 'dear cousin' who was just a plot device to give us both something to do, if you remember. And who was always also a short-term character," she replied then finished that bottle.
Ken crossed to her and took the freshly opened bottle from her hand. "Reet."
She slapped him. "Don't yer EVER take me drink away from me! That's the worst thing yer can do apart from denying me me profits!" she yelled.
He lunged forward and snogged her passionately. "Now do you believe me when I say I love you?" "Well," she conceded.
"I can honestly say I felt a stirring of something coming from yer."
Ken looked down ashamed. "I'll leave you to it. But I won't go away because I know deep down you really love me too." And with that he walked out awkwardly.
Reet leant back, emptied the bottle of vodka down her throat then got The Secret Diary of Rita-Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley- Barlow, aged getting younger because I'm rich so can pay for it out of its hiding place. That flamin' Ken Barlow, she wrote angrily. The nerve of him wrecking my plans by claiming to love me. He even had the brass neck to kiss me without saying please or thank you! Always was a rotten snogger. Thinks he's still as desirable as I am - ha! I don't trust him but will have to go along with the charade in the hope he'll soon get bored and dumps me for Blanche or Maria. She'll sleep with anyone! Then I'll be free to plot trapping Les once he comes into his fortune!

To be continued...

[lanzarote]

Why,Oh why do you have ken committing adultery?He belongs to dreary

[RitaLittlewood]

Because it's just a bit of fun. They weren't even married then. It was written during 2002 and 2003 and this part is not long after Maxine's murder. I take it you wouldn't like Ken being a gay drag queen then which is coming soon.

Patsy

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 25

It was 7 months later and Reet returned from yet another unexplained break. She waltzed into The Kabin. "I'm back!" she declared theatrically. "Everything okay while I was away, Norris?"
He nodded. "Same as usual. Post Office not used once. Acid drops still the best seller."
"Good, good. Probably because it's real acid," she nodded.. "Now, what about my baby? Is she okay?"
Norris bristled. "She's fine too. Emily's got her over at the house."
Reet beamed. "I'll go and get her. By the way, what happened to that pen you had hanging round yer neck?"
"Your 'baby' ate it" he snapped. "Awww. Bless," Reet replied filled with pride. "I can't wait to see her." And with that she left, casually shouting, "Be a good handmaiden and take my bags upstairs," over her shoulder before the door closed behind her.

Over at Emily's, Emily had let Reet in. "Good trip?" she asked.
"It was okay. How's my baby been?" Reet replied.
"Good as gold," Emily told her. Reet raised a knowing eyebrow. "Well, most of the time," Emily added.
Reet spotted her baby, crouched and spread her arms. "Barbara! Barbara, darling!" she called and her baby rushed to greet her owner. Reet hugged the 9-month-old chocolate and white roan Cocker Spaniel which had been a love gift from Ken to stop her being lonely when he wasn't around. No chance of that with Kev, Ash and Curly to keep her company she'd thought to herself at the time. But although she never really wanted a dog and only took Mr Woo to make a quick profit, she'd grown very fond of this eager little puppy who obviously adored her. And she kept mauling Norris when she didn't have that ball in her mouth, so showed a remarkably great judge of character for one so young. Reet picked her up and carried her to the living room.
"I must say, your mobility has greatly improved during your abscence," Emily noted.
"That's because I've had to have 2 hip replacements," Reet told her as she cooed at her baby. "And Sally Webster should've got a letter from my solicitor by now saying I'm suing her for every penny she's got after persuading me to teach Rawzie how to shimmy."
"I see," was all Emily could think of to say.
Reet stood. "Well, I'd better get my baby home. I'm still exhausted from recuperating after the op. Thanks for taking good care of her, Emily."
Emily smiled. "Any time. She's far less trouble than Norris."
Reet laughed. "Who isn't? See yer, Emily. Come on, Barbara."

Ken was crossing the road as Reet came out of number 3. "Hello, Darling," he whispered as he stroked the dog. Barbara chose to eat his hand rather than lick it. "I've missed...Ow!" He snatched his hand away. "I've missed you," he continued.
"I've missed yer too," she lied, knowing she missed toothache more.
"Will I see you later?" he asked quietly. "If you like," she shrugged. "Now I really must get Barbara fed. She's always hungry."
"So I felt," he replied as he rubbed his hand. "Oh, by the way. Have you heard about Les?"
Reet stroked her puppy and wished he'd just go away. "No. What about Les?"
"He's won a fortune on the lottery, pools and horses. Worth quite a lot now. See you later,"
Ken said then went in to face Deirdre's cooking. Reet was fuming. The prophecy was coming true and he was standing between her and Les's money. She needed a plan and fast!

A couple of days later Reet had set the wheels in motion to get her manicured mitts on Les's loot. She wrote the latest entry in The Secret Diary of Rita Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley-Barlow, aged who cares when you're immortal?: That Ken Barlow keeps pestering me but thank goodness for Barbara insisting on sitting between us and trying to pull his annoying eyebrow off when he gets any ideas about being passionate. But I have taken the plunge while I ordered Norris to take Barbara walkies and it brought back traumatic memories meaning I'll probably be in therapy for the rest of my life which is a terrible thing when you're immortal. Came as a surprise to him he didn't need his usual Viagra. But then I always was an irresistible sex kitten. Monroe had nowt on me and was average in comparison. I wouldn't have bothered at all if it weren't for the facts I need to keep up the pretence so he doesn't try and get me arrested again therefore risking all my hard-earned cash, and Curly dumped me for Newcastle. Kev let me into a little secret last night about Martin Platt and Katy Harris. And has apparently told Martin to forget about younger women and try and older one. He's coming round later so I can teach him the error of his ways! Busy, busy, busy. I don't know how I manage to fit them all in and not a penny to rub together between the lot of them. Oh well. But I do have a brilliant idea to stop Ken lusting after my gorgeous body and send him into the arms of another. Now it's time to pay a visit to Les. And do I have a surprise for him! She closed her diary and smiled as she put it away. "Come on, Barbara," she called to her puppy who was busy eating a toilet roll. "Time to visit your soon-to-be new daddy." The dog scampered after her eagerly wagging her tail as Reet made her way towards number 5. She knocked until Les opened it.
"What do you want?" he snapped.
"I have to talk to you. Are you alone?" she asked.
"You'd better come in then," he reluctantly replied then closed the door after her. Barbara rushed to his precious Quo records and started chewing them. "Get out of it!" he yelled, chucking an empty beer can at her. Barbara didn't take too kindly to have her destructive pleasure interrupted and, as if reading her owner's mind, leapt up at him and bit him where it hurt. She looked at her owner for approval.
"Good girl," Reet praised beaming as she rubbed the puppy's head.
Les was furious. "Say what you have to then get that vicious hairy fleabag out of my house!"
Reet straightened, Barbara sitting obediently at her side. "There's no easy way to say this, Les. But I'm pregnant."
"Yer what?!" he choked. "Yer too old!"
"It would seem not," Reet told him. "I'm one of the few who hasn't been lately and they're desperate to beat EastEnders before Dirty Den comes back so they don't get the viewers or awards."
"What it got to do with me?" Les asked as he warily watched the panting dog.
"You're the father," she calmly informed him. "Don't you remember me waking up in yer bed this morning?" He nodded.
"Yeah. But yer can't get up the duff that fast!"
"You can in soaps these days. Anything to stay at the top of the ratings," she replied. "They haven't done a 'who's the daddy?' storyline for a couple of weeks. And, thanks to their current serious lack of originality have decided to recycle it with me as they know I'll get zillions tuning it. But you're the daddy. NO doubt about that."
Les was stunned. "Have yer had it confirmed by the doctor?"
"Of course not," she laughed. "They don't do that in soaps these days. Just a over-the-counter kit and straight to the abortion clinic! But I AM pregnant and I'm not going to get rid of it. So, what are you going to do about it?"

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 26

Reet snared her Les and they were married a couple of days later by artistic licence since his divorce from Janice finally came through the day after Reet's bombshell. Ash, Kev, Ken, Martin and even Curly were really annoyed about it. But as Curly was buggering off to Newcastle he decided to put his great passion for her behind him and try and endure Emma's carping. Ash was fuming most because she'd broken their vow to get married twice. And Ken's suspicions returned so decided to keep a squinted eye on Les's well being. With Les's convenient electronic tag, Reet had decided to bring the wedding forward. But the marriage, as Ken expected and Reet knew from the prophecy, was short-lived. A few weeks after the nuptials and changing the will in her favour while leaving small legacies for Leanne and Toyah, Les was walking past the sensor jigging about to Quo and playing air guitar when he was electrocuted. Her vast wealth had recieved a much needed top up. She dug her diary out and wrote of the happy event: Les is dead. Electrocuted by his tag. He never realised I was an electronics whiz as well as being a drop dead gorgeous megastar. Is there no end to my talents? Obviously not or I'd be back to just flogging the odd gum drop and propping up the bar in the Rovers with the superglued glass to my hand. Hey diddle-di-dee, a widows life for me. Ken's been annoying me again and so I've decided to set phase 2 into operation. If that doesn't get him pestering someone else and leaving me to count my money I'll get him sacked since it's my programme - untouchable or not! She closed the diary and put it away before picking up the phone and dialling. "Hello? Is that Aidan Critchley? Hello, Ade. This is Reet Battersby - Reet Sullivan that was. I was wondering if you'd like to pop round for a little chat about Ken Barlow? Oh you would? I'll see you in an hour then. Bye." She hung up then rang Ken. "Ken? Get yer backside round here in an hour. There's summat we need to discuss. An hour. No earlier. Understand? Good." She hung up then went into the kitchen to prepare...

An hour later she had Ade on her sofa. "What is it you want to talk to me about, Mrs Sullivan?" he asked.
"Battersby," she corrected. "But it doesn't matter. Men can't wait to marry me so I probably won't have the name long. I know about your feelings for Ken Barlow."
"I don't know what yer talking about," he stammered nervously.
"There's no need to be coy with me, Ade," she reassured. "I've had him and he's not much cop in that department. I know you only did those things so he'd pay you attention. Must've made yer day when he belted yer."
Ade smiled at the memory. "He touched me," he said dreamily. "He actually touched me." Then he snapped back to reality and coughed. "And he called ME a violent yob!" he blustered.
"Well, don't worry about it," she said as the intercom buzzed. "Won't be a minute." She went to answer it and let Ken in. "Hello, Ken," Ade heard her say and he stiffened.
Ken followed her into the living room. "Don't you 'hello, Ken' me, Reet. Not after you betrayed me like that." He didn't notice Ade stroking the dog. "I LOVE you, Reet," he continued. "You told me you loved ME. Then you went and married Les Battersby of ALL people!" He waved his arms about in anger.
Makes a change from running his fingers through his fringe, she thought. "I know," Reet replied, desperately wishing he'd shurrup and notice her guest.
"I won't ask why because we both know his CASH was the only reason," Ken spat angrily.
"I'm pregnant!" she yelled in frustration which even shocked Ade. She cursed inwardly because she never meant to tell him that.
Ken squinted one eye. "Les is the father?"
"Er..." Reet replied. "Would you like a cup of tea?"
"Tea?! TEA?!" Ken yelled. "You drop this little bombshell and ask if I was TEA?!"
"All that shouting must be making yer thirsty," she reasoned.
"It's mine, isn't it?" Ken demanded.
"I'm sure Ade would like some tea. Wouldn't you, lad?" she quickly said in the hope if distracting Ken's attention away from her.
Ken turned round and flicked his Farrah fringe back. "I didn't see you there. Hello, Ade."
"Sir," Ade said flatly. "Tea would be great. Thanks, Mrs Battersby."
Reet beamed as she signed with relief. "Back in a tick," she said before making a swift exit.

Five minutes after the tea had been drank, Ade and Ken had gone. She stood by the window stroking Barbara and grinning as she watched them skipping down the cobbles hand in hand. "Result!" she said to herself. She felt she was no longer alone. "What do yer want, Norris?" she asked without looking round. "Who's minding the shop?"
"Emily," he told her. "Did you see Ken Barlow and that Aidan Critchley kissing and cuddling?"
"I did," she replied pleased with herself.
"Ken's not gay," he pointed out. "He's an ageing lothario."
"Course he is," Reet stated. "The signs have been there for more than 40 years that he's been confused about his sexuality. Being a womaniser was just a sham. Now get back to work or I'll cut yer wages!"
Norris left still unable to believe it was true since he saw no signs and would have since he was the campest resident ever. Reet carried on smiling.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 27

Reet looked sadly at her finances. "Only £374,287,944 and 1 pence," she sighed sadly. "I'll be in need of handouts and soup kitchens at this rate. I must boost my income quick. But how?" She dug out The Complete History of Ritanation Street, Including A Squillion Useless Facts About The Series (Updated) and flicked through the pages. "Got it!" she announced to herself as she reached the last page of the 876-volume set of books. "Prostitution and a protection racket. Summat they've not pinched from other soaps yet. I am a genius! This'll teach 'em to criminally waste me after all these years of being the only reason people still tune in. I shall become The Godmother! Now, who can I get to be my henchmen?" She paused in thought for several hours. "Oh well," she sighed. "Have to be henchMAN instead. And that can only be my loyal and faithful handmaiden Norris." She decided there was no time like the present to start so kissed her puppy then went to the Rovers to see her first victim.
"Hallo, Reet," Fred said. "Usual?"
"Not just now, Fred," she replied. "Maybe later. I've come to see Betty, not have a drink."
Fred crashed to the floor out cold.
Shelley rushed over. "Fred? Fred?"
"Is he okay?" Reet asked. "Not a heart attack, were it?"
Shelley looked up as Fred groaned. "No. I think he just fainted."
"He's very pale," Reet observed. "Think he had a shock?"
Shelley helped Fred sit up. "Dunno. What did yer say to him?"
"Only that I didn't want a drink," Reet replied innocently.
With that Fred blacked out again and Shelley joined him.
"Oh well," Reet shrugged. "I'll let myself through." She stepped over the prone bodies and went towards the kitchen.
"Hello, Reet," Betty greeted cheerfully. "Hotpot?"
Reet leant menacingly towards the oldest barmaid in the universe. "Give us five grand by 6 o'clock tonight or the hotpot gets it."
"Yer what, lovey?" Betty laughed. "Five grand? I'm only a poor pensioner."
"I know," Reet snarled. "It's a special pensioner rate."
"But my hotpot gets what?" Betty asked confused.
"If you don't do it then you'll be serving up yer cat in tomorrow's dinnertime rush, that's what!" she warned. With that Reet left pleased with herself and could see a future in being the new baddie of the Street, while Betty left to change her incontinence pad.

Back at Reet's flat, Reet had now decided to start her 2nd new career. She was used to being in the gutter since she often woke up there after forgetting to top up her bloodstream and ended up with a serious vodka deficiency. She hadn't forgotten she was preggers and looked forward to the happy event. But who the daddy was was even a mystery to her since the script wasn't written yet. And no amount of threatening the writers was any help either since they couldn't agree on who it would be. But despite her condition she had no intention of going all the way with any Jason, Tyrone or Dev because she had other plans. Besides, she'd reasoned, being such a sex kitten she didn't have to beg since the blokes were gagging for it and desperate to get it on with her. Plus any more notches in her bedpost and she was sure it would collapse. She reached for her lipstick. "Norris!" she yelled angrily at her slave. "NOR-RIS!!!!!" She finally heard footsteps approaching.
"What do you want?" he panted.
"Don't talk to me like that, idiot!" she yelled again. "Have you been using my lippy on the quiet again?"
Norris was horrifed. "Of course not!"
"You can go now," she dismissed.
"Just like that?" he asked, not really surprised by her usual behaviour.
"Just like that," she told him. "And don't use it again without asking." He stayed put determined to have his say until he noticed Barbara watching him with hooded eyes. He knew that look meant she was plotting something so bid a hasty retreat. "Damn!" Reet said as she slammed down the can of hairspray. "He's been at this too. Though as he's got none on his head, I dread to think where's he's been using it. Oh well. Have to leave it as it is. Though it does make me more alluring and sexy to go with my come to bed eyes." She looked at her reflection then went to pick up her first mug while Norris was left in charge of her baby, much to his annoyance.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 28

Several days later Reet had banked the £5,000 from Betty into her retirement fund. She got out The Secret Diary of Rita Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley-Barlow-Battersby, aged shhh, don't you know it's rude to mention a lady's age even though I'm about as much a lady as Fred Elliott? and wrote: Although her Gordon had been only too willing to give his mum the cash until his miserable wife had vetoed it, poor Betty was left to plead with my better nature only to find I don't have one. Since Betty was unable to come up with the goods and didn't want her beloved Marmaduke to be chopped up and eaten by the factory drunks, she was reluctantly forced into prostitution. She had become such a surprising success with old codgers desperate to try out their Viagra as well as youngsters sleeping with her for a dare or bet, I've decided to carry on pimping her to keep the cash rolling in. She shoved the diary back in its hiding place while Barbara wasn't looking because she'd already tried eating it on more than one occasion. Before the next part of her extortion took place which she was really looking forward to, she decided to check the Internet to see what her millions of fans had written about her. She loved nothing more after cash and vodka than an ego trip before bossing Norris about all day and was stunned when she read the headline: Reet To Tell Norris She Loves Him Shock! "I most certainly will not!" she said as she checked the other sites for thoughts on the latest in a long line of claptrap. Once she'd read some, she put on her 'Boss of Everything So Watch It!' hat and summoned writer Roger Marks. As he entered he had an air of arrogance she couldn't stand because she was the only one with an attitude problem allowed in her building.
"You sent for me, Mrs Battersy," he said.
"Yes, I did. What's all this crap I've read about me telling my minion I love him?" she demanded.
"Search me," he shrugged.
"I would NEVER say anything like that!" she yelled. "Stop giving us all personality transplants to suit the crap yer come out with because yer've got no imagination and can't write for us these days. Yer sacked as of this minute."
"But it was nothing to do with me," he pleaded, desperate to keep his job and status.
"No?" Reet raised an eyebrow and turned the screen towards him. "Then why have you written on this 'Roger Marks Is God' website it was all your idea and, I quote, 'Reet and Norris are delighted to be involved in such a marvellous storyline'?"
"I didn't," he lied. "Someone's obviously pretending to be me to get me into trouble. They're jealous of my position here."
"Don't give me that," Reet snapped. "We all know you're the only one who writes in text-speak. Yer so-called scripts need a codebreaker to understand! Then there's this little gem," she scrolled down the screen and indicated the offending comment with a pen. "I told Ken Barlow," she read out loud, "when he got the part in 1960 he'd be confused with his sexuality and would get a massive storyline about it." She glared at him. "Apart from the facts you weren't BORN in 1960 and it only had a limited run for a few weeks, you know damn well Ken's gone gay because of MY ingenuity! Get out and go back to La-La Land pronto!" Roger left sulking as Reet sent off a quick email to the people who ran the site threatening no more spoilers unless they removed it at once. They were so thick they wouldn't realise no site meant no spoilers to publish. Then she turned her attention back to one of the many matters in hand. There was no way she was going to lower herself by telling Norris she loved him so ordered her trusty writing God Jack Stapleton to rewrite it while promoting him to producer and head writer whose word was law when it came to scripts and proper storylines with lots of humour and airtime for her. Now it was time for the next instalment to her retirement fund. "Barbara," she called and her faithful puppy raced after her as she paid a visit to Dev.
"Hello, Reet," he greeted.
"Hello, Dev," she replied coldly as she placed a videotape on the counter.
"What's that?" he asked, picking it up.
"What yer got up to in my boudoir the other day," she told him. "Yer can keep that copy. I have others. Yer have several choices now, Dev. Yer can either pay me £50,000 by 6pm or yer car gets torched. Yer can let me pimp yer so I get paid that way and get a guarantee yer car lives to pollute the atmosphere another day. But if yer choose not to cough up then this will be broadcast at 6.01pm then the entire world will know of yer kinky habits and yer'll never sell another tin of beans again. The choice is yours. See yer, Dev. Come on, Barbara."
He broke into a sweat as he watched the two bitches leave and opened a bottle of scotch while he had a good, hard think.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 29

Reet entered the shop after checking how her workers were doing touting for business in Salford. Betty was still a hit with the Viagra generation and Dev made a fortune from desperate ugly women who went weak at the knees at the sight of his hairy chest.
"Get off, you mangy mutt!" Norris was saying.
"What's going on?" Reet asked over the sound of growling.
"This thing of yours is trying to pull my foot off," he complained, clutching the counter tightly to stop the puppy pulling him over.
"She's only playing," Reet explained proudly. "Bless her. It means she likes yer."
"Ow!" he yelled. "That was my toe! I wish she'd leave me alone and play with you instead."
"Don't be ridiculous," she scoffed. "She recognises greatness and knows she doesn't have to eat me to get attention, affection or know I love her."
Norris finally lost his balance and crashed to the ground. Reet peered over the counter and saw Barbara first chewing his hand then trying to get his glasses off.
"Get it off me!" he cried as he hit the dog.
Reet was furious. She picked up a copy of The Weatherfield Gazette, rolled it up and whacked him with it. "Don't yer EVER hit my baby! If she wants to play with you, yer let her play!" The dog stepped back and sat as she watched her owner attack Norris. Reet stopped. "Get up, idiot!" she ordered and he was glad to stand up safely again.
"You're as bad as that hairy monster of yours," he remarked as he rubbed his painful bruised hand.
"Say sorry to Barbara," she told him.
"Y-you what?" he asked, unable to believe she said that.
"You heard. And make a big fuss of her or else," she warned.
He reluctantly crouched in front of the puppy and did as ordered if only to hasten Reet's disappearance with the thing. "Good girl. I am very sorry for hitting you, Barbara," he said insincerely as the puppy licked him.
"Good. I REALLY don't need all this stress and hassle in my condition. Come on, Barbara," she said then swept past him and went upstairs.
"Her condition?" he pondered then realised he finally had a nice bit of juicy gossip at last.

A while later Reet took Barbara to visit Emily after the shop was closed and she'd counted her profits since she knew Norris would be out.
"Come in, Reet. Hello, Barbara," Emily said as she fussed over the puppy who wagged her tail. Reet made herself comfortable in the living room. "She really is a lovely dog," she continued as Barbara ran to her owner, jumped up and settled down with her head nestled on her lap.
"I know," Reet smiled.
"So, what can I do for you?" Emily asked her cheerfully.
"Oh, nowt much," Reet said as she rubbed Barbara's head. "Only £20,000 or that hair which saved your life when Richard walloped you with the crowbar gets it."
"What?" Emily frowned, still smiling.
"You heard," Reet leant forward. "Yer've had a very nasty experience, Emily. And who knows? Perhaps yer'll be on someone else's hit list next. From the first instalment of the twenty grand I can guarantee you protection. So, yer gonna pay up?"
Emily was shocked. "I thought you were my friend."
"I am," Reet replied. "That's why I'm thinking of your welfare. Okay, twenty grand and for that yer get protection from undesirables plus I'll order Norris to stop annoying yer. Now I can't say fairer than that."
"But, I haven't got that sort of money," Emily protested. "Even though peace from Norris would be most welcome."
"There is a way yer can get it," Reet began as Emily worried.

Meanwhile in the Rovers, Norris was unable to contain himself any longer.
"Another drink, Norris?" Shelley asked.
"Yes please, Shelley," he replied. "So, what do you think of the news?"
"News?" Shelley said as she took his money.
"Reet's pregnancy," he told her loud enough for the entire pub to hear.
Kev, Ash and Martin were stunned, each convinced, like Ken, they were the father.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 30

The following day Reet walked into the Rovers and noticed Ash, Kev and Martin staring at her.
"Morning, Reet," Fred hailed. "Yer early."
"I've just popped out," she said. "I need to talk to yer about summat in private."
"Oh. Well, come through," he replied then stepped back to let her pass. She glanced over he shoulder and saw her lovers still watching but she dismissed it, convinced they just couldn't wait to get their hands all over her gorgeous body as usual.
"Drink?" Fred asked once they were in the back.
"Best not," she said. "And don't faint again!"
"I won't," he assured. "Not now I know why. Good to abstain till t'babby's born. I'll probably be on the verge of bankruptcy by then mind."
Reet was virtually speechless her secret was out. "Babby?"
"Aye. Congratulations, by the way. Though we're all amazed it happened at your age. I say, we're all amazed," he grinned.
"Everyone knows?" she gasped. He nodded.
"It were announced last night in t'bar."
Reet's heckles rose. "Thank you. But I WERE hoping to keep it quiet. Anyway, I have a proposition for yer."
"Oh aye?" he began to get worried. "Not owt to do with getting wed I hope since I've nowt to do with yer babby."
"Nowt like that, Fred," she laughed. Not yet anyroad, she thought. "No. I want £50,000 by 6pm or the butcher's union gets a copy of these photos," she went on, placing the incriminating snaps on the table.
Fred picked them up and the colour drained from his face.
"Oh 'eck," was all he could say.
"I'm sure yer don't want people to know the things you get up to with yer produce," she said. He shook his head. "Thought not," she added and allowed herself a little smile.
"How did yer get these?" he asked.
"Props department," she told him.
"I haven't got £50,000," he told her sadly.
"Oh dear. Then yer'll just have to work to pay it off, won't yer?" she beamed. "Get round to Salford now. Emily, Betty or Dev will tell you what yer have to do. Right. I have a blabbermouth to deal with. See yer, Fred," she said, patting him on the shoulder then let herself out while Fred collapsed in a chair.

Outside the Barlows, Reet knocked. After a few minutes Deirdre answered. "Hello, Reet. This is a surprise. You never come here."
"Script changes," she informed her. "Is Ken in?"
"Yes," Deirdre sighed. "You'd better come in."
Reet did and saw Ken on the floor with Ade in front of him plaiting his fringe. "Out!" she ordered Ade, gesturing with her thumb. Ken nodded to his toyboy who left.
"I suppose you want me to go too," Deirdre said.
"Yes," Reet replied, not taking her over-made-up eyes off her mortal enemy.
"Just try and talk some sense into him about this old age crisis," Deirdre sighed before closing the door behind her. "
What do you want?" Ken asked. "Ade and I have plans to listen to Judy Garland all afternoon."
"I can't believe yer told everyone I'm pregnant!" she shrieked.
"I didn't!" he protested. "I'd hardly do that when I don't want Deirdre to find out I've fathered yet another child while I'm meant to be loyal and faithful to her."
Reet sat down. "If it weren't you, who were it?"
"Norris," he told her frankly. "Shelley told me he asked what he thought about it in the pub last night."
Reet's face matched the colour her hair used to be several decades ago. "Right. I'll leave yer to yer Judy Garland while I sort that Norris out once and for all. But I've not finished with yer yet. I will be back." She stood and let herself out, slamming the door behind her so hard the set fell down then stormed across the road to confront her handmaiden.

Meanwhile Vera was on the phone. "That's right, Curly lad. Reet Battersby's in t'family way and no one knows who the father is!"

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 31

Reet stormed into The Kabin with a face like thunder.
"Are you all right, Reet?" Norris asked.
"Shurrup, Norris!" she snapped as she pushed past him and stomped up the stairs. Less than a minute later he heard her footsteps getting closer and sensed all was not right. "Good," she said. "Shop's empty."
"Good?" he questioned taken aback. "Your profits will be affected if no one bothers coming in."
"So?" she shrugged.
"Reet, that's not like you," he told her concerned she'd been given yet another personality transplant like everyone else had been over the past few years. "Are you feeling all right? You do look a bit under the weather and your face is very flushed."
"It's called anger, idiot! And I've never felt better," she hissed. "Now, how did yer find out I were expecting? Been spying on me, have yer? Getting yer pervy kicks by watching me with Curly's telescope?"
"No. No. Of course not. I-I'd never do that, Reet," he said, shocked she could even suggest such a thing purely because he'd never actually thought of it so made a mental note to get a telescope, or at the very least a pair of very strong binoculars.
"Then how do yer know?" she demanded as she took a step closer. Norris backed up, noticing both Reet and the puppy were looking at him with hooded eyes.
"I-It was something you said yesterday," he managed to say, afraid one of them would pounce any second and not sure which would be worse. "About not needing the stress in your condition. I just put two and two together."
Reet looked up. "Oh yes. I remember now." Then she looked him straight in the eye again, which wasn't easy with all that mascara. "But that doesn't explain why you went and told everyone in the Rovers about it last night!"
"I didn't," he lied.
"Yer sure about that?" she cocked a disbelieving eyebrow. "Only Ken tells me you asked Shelley what she thought about it."
"O-oh. I, er...thought it was common knowledge," he bluffed, wishing she'd lay off him so he could change his Y-fronts.
"And yer didn't think to ask me first?" she asked, leaning menacingly forward and screwing up her nose at the strong aroma wafting from his direction. "What? Nowt to say? My life is my private business, peasant! People will know when I decide to tell them things, not you!" She moved back unable to put up with the stink any longer. "Barbara. Go on, girl." Barbara wasn't fussy as she raced towards Norris and wrapped her legs round his.
"W-what's she doing?" he stammered, realising he needed to change his trousers too now.
"It's her hormones, bless her," Reet told him. "She's turning into a little lady."
"Get her off me!" he pleaded. "She's enjoying herself," Reet laughed as she watched him squirm.
"It's disgusting," he remarked knowing what Reet would do if he touched her precious puppy and hoped it would stop soon.
"No more disgusting than yer kinky obsession with that mangy cat. That's unhealthy the way yer chase after it. No wonder it keeps buggering off," she pointed out before calling the dog to heel.
"About time," he gasped.
"Yer'll get worse if yer do summat like that again," she threatened. "Just remember, I'm the boss and you're an annoying little git who's here because yer contracted to be."
"I'm not very likely to with that mutt around," he replied as he straightened his tie.
"Yer insulting my baby again, fool. Want me to set her back on yer?" she raised a hopeful eyebrow. He shook his head. "Pity," she said sadly, actually enjoying seeing her handmaiden put up with all sorts out of devotion to her.
"Incidentally," he began cautiously. "I didn't know you were having a relationship with anyone. Who IS the father?" The door bursting open and barely hanging on its hinges saved Norris from a tirade of abuse and more torture from Barbara.
"Curly!" Norris said totally startled. "You're in Newcastle."
"Obviously not," Curly stated as he glared at Reet. She had a feeling why he'd suddenly returned after less than a week.
"Staying long?" Norris continued.
"That depends," Curly replied mysteriously.
"On what?" Norris wanted to know.
"Go and get yer dinner, Norris," Reet told him.
"I'm not hungry," Norris replied, far more interested in what Curly was doing here and why he was looking at Reet like that. Then he twigged and was more determined to stay put.
"Force yerself," Reet ordered. "Perfect time to change yer undies while yer at it."
He didn't move so Curly grabbed and frogmarched him out the shop then locked the door. "Is it true?" he asked his former lover. Reet said nothing. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"What was the point when you'd already picked Roboflop over me?" Reet replied.
"You didn't even come to my farewell do, despite all the free booze," he noted sadly. "All you had to do was tell me you wanted me to stay, Reet and I would've like a shot. But you didn't so I assumed you didn't want me any more."
"Don't go laying the blame at my door, Curly Watts," she snapped. "Yer'd made yer choice already when yer got back with her. I didn't even come into it."
"If you'd told me about the baby there's no way I'd have left you. I love you, Reet," he told her sincerely. "I'd have even forgiven you for marrying Les."
"Big of you(!)" she replied sarcastically. "Think I wanted you to stay just because I'm pregnant? Don't make me laugh," she spat. "You had to stay because you wanted ME and no one else. Oh, go back to Newcastle, Curly and leave me and my baby in peace." Norris pounded on the door having changed his clothes for his lovely smelling Easy Iron ones desperate to be let in so he could find out what was going on. Suddenly Reet doubled up and cried out in agony...

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 32

Curly began to panic and felt helpless as he watched Reet in so much pain. "What's happening?" he asked, terrified he'd caused his lover to miscarry.
"The baby's coming!" she yelled.
"So soon?" he was puzzled since she was only a few weeks pregnant. "How?"
"Dramatic licence," she groaned as the contractions grew stronger and more frequent. "They don't want to drag it out as I'm never flavour of the year these days so have decided to speed up the pregnancy. They know viewers get bored quickly with the drivel they put out now so want to get back to writing rows for the boring Platts."
Norris was still outside pounding on the door. "I'll let him in," Curly said as he dashed to open it. "He knows all about delivering babies."
"Nooooooooooooooooo!" she screamed. "I'm not having my minion looking at me bloomers! He's pervy enough as it is!"
"Don't be stupid, Reet," Curly chided. "He can help." He unlocked the door despite Reet's protesting and Norris fell in having had his ear to the glass in-between hitting it trying to get some gossip to spread around the street. "What you doing down there?" Curly asked. "Get up. Reet needs your help."
"I most certainly do not!" she shouted. "I'd rather suffer."
Norris pushed himself up and brushed himself down. "It's very dirty and dusty down there," he observed.
"Well don't look at me," Reet told him. "Sweeping up's a menial task so it's your job!"
"Temper," he said, wagging a finger at her. "Don't take it out on me because Curly's upset you or you've eaten one chilli too many."
"My waters have broken, idiot!" she screeched. "The baby's on its way!"
“Oh," he said and also began to panic.
"So while Curly's driving me to t'hospital, you can clean up the mess!" she ordered as Curly reluctantly helped her to his car.
"But I can deliver your baby for you, Reet," Norris called after her. "I'm very experienced and thinking of taking it up as a career move to subsidise the meagre wages you pay."
Reet glared over her shoulder before disappearing. Norris looked at the floor, pulled a face then went to get the mop.

Meanwhile over in Bermuda, a dark-haired woman was on the phone. "But with David John now sacked and out on his over-inflated ego, it's safe for you to return in the knowledge he won't ruin you or give you a personality transplant," the voice on the other end was saying. "Besides, Reet seems to be taking over and we need someone to stop her."
The brunette rolled a cigarette. "I'll think about it and let you know," she said then hung up.

Over at Weatherfield General, Reet was wheeled into a delivery suite. She was shocked when Martin walked in. "What are you doing here?" she demanded before guzzling more air.
"I'm the only one on duty in this entire hospital as always," he replied. "So they've got me multi-tasking again. Besides, it's good drama if I'm seen delivering my own child."
"Who says it's yours?" she asked.
"Oh, come on, Reet," he said as he moved his head from side to side with each word. "You've only been sleeping with me so who else could it be?"
"Les," she offered. "He were my hubby after all."
"Not for very long," Martin remarked.
"Or even Kev, since it was him who extolled to you the benefits of sleeping with an older woman over a younger and far less experienced one," she added, ignoring the comment about her short-lived marriage to Les.
"Don't be ridiculous," he scoffed, adding poking his chest to the annoying head movements. "We both know it's me so stop messing about."
"If yer say so," she sneered. "I do. So let's hear no more about it," he stated firmly. "By the way, what's Curly doing back from Newcastle and bringing you to the hospital?"
She removed the oxygen mask. "He thinks he's the father too," she smirked. Martin was speechless.

Back in Bermuda, the brunette was on the phone. "I've come to a decision," she was saying in-between supping her pint. "I will return and reduce Reet's airtime."

10 hours later in Weatherfield General all the expectant daddies and Norris, who couldn't miss an opportunity like this to put his only talent to good use and be nosy, had all gathered in the waiting room. They'd all been shocked to find they'd each been sleeping with Reet while Norris lapped all this new info up just glad of more gossip to spread like butter. Martin appeared. "It's a girl," he announced. "Now all we have to do is DNA test the entire male population of Weatherfield to find out who the father is."

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 33

A few days later, Reet was back home with baby Reet junior. She was miffed it was a girl since the former writer Roger Marks had told her it would be a boy, and hated the thought of competing with her own daughter for the fellas so hoped she'd grow up to be as ugly as Quasimodo. Have I had him? she wondered. Probably, she shrugged since she'd had that many down the centuries she'd lost count. But at least this had proved Roger Marks had been a lying toerag who couldn't be trusted and she was right to sack him. Since all her secret flings were now out in the open it meant she couldn't blackmail Ken the way she'd planned so had to think of another way. Not too difficult, she concluded, since I'm a genius. Norris's presence interrupted her thoughts. "Can't yer knock?" she snapped.
"I did," he replied. "Oh, I see you're feeding the baby." Reet stayed silent and just glared. "I wish you'd start wearing that brown dress again. I always liked that when I watched in the 70s," he droned on.
"So yer HAVE been getting her kicks by perving at me!" she cried in hushed tones so as not to upset little Reet. This baby is going to ruin all my fun yelling at the little weasel, she thought. "The brown dress indeed. That was pornographic!"
"I have not!" he protested.
"You'd better not have been," she warned as she narrowed her eyes. She watched as he silently touched the baby before stepping back.
"So, er... Do you know who the father is yet?"
"If I did, you'd be the last person I'd tell," she replied. "No. Scratch that. As soon as I do, only me and the father will know because you'd only blab and gossip as usual. Now clear off, get back to the shop and make me some money!"

Meanwhile at the Barlows, Deirdre was getting frustrated with Ken. "Will yer turn that bloody Shirley Bassey off before I do summat yer regret?" she shouted over Ken and Ade duetting tunelessly to Big Spender.
"You sound just like Reet," Ken noted. "Been pinching her lines? She'll not be happy."
"No, I have not!" she yelled, wishing he'd revert to talking like that over-educated, pompous, boring git she loved until the storyliners dictated otherwise. "Now turn that racket off!"
"You need to take a chill pill, Deirdre," Ken said trying to be hip and trendy. "Now, if you're not enjoying it kindly keep quiet. You're making me lose my rhythm."
"If that's rhythm," Deirdre snorted, "I'm a Dutch woman." "Well, you could've been if you'd left with Ray," he pointed out. "Hey, Big Spendaaaaar," he and Ade caterwauled. "Speeeeend, a little time with meeeeeeeeeeee." Deirdre threw a hissy fit and stormed out.

Reet had tucked the baby up and relaxed with her vodka. She could see Barbara was feeling neglected so called the dog over. "I still love you," she told her eager puppy as as the dog snuggled in. "Don't you worry about little Reet. You'll always be my baby. And one who won't pinch the fellas off me as you get older."
Norris reappeared. "Reet?"
Reet rolled her eyes Richard fashion which made her dizzy so decided never to do that again. "What now, peasant?"
"I have to talk to you. It's very important," he said.
"Profits down?" she raised an eyebrow. He shook his head. "Then go away," she added as she made a fuss of her puppy.
"Please, Reet," he implored. "It's really very important."
"Go on then," she sighed. "But make it quick."
He paused for effect then cleared his throat. "It would appear that I'm the baby's father."
Reet collapsed in shock.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 34

As Reet began to come round, she could feel Norris lightly tapping her cheeks telling her to wake up, so punched him hard which sent him flying across the room. "Don't you EVER touch me again!" she shouted.
"Bit late for that since we have a child together," he commented as he rubbed his jaw.
Reet slumped back, still unable to take the news in and downed the vodka. "I only have your word for that."
"Here's the results if you don't believe me," he held out the envelope.
She hesitated before getting up and taking it then slumped in the chair again. "How could you of ALL people be the father? We NEVER did anything!"
"I-I'm as much in the dark as you are," he told her as he hauled himself up and stood in front of the wall covered in her wedding photos. "You're not even my type."
"I'm EVERYONE'S type!" she defended as he slurred her femininity and sexual magnetism. "Men can't wait to get me into bed. Even you it would seem."
"Hang on," Norris said, putting his finger to his bruised chin. "We know you've already been given amnesia about your past, especially when it comes to what happened at the hands of Alan in the 80s. Then there's losing your marbles again due to the carbon monoxide-"
"Get to the point, moron!" she interrupted impatiently.
"Well, all that explains why you weren't there for Gail and Audrey to talk to after Richard when you'd been through similar," he continued as Reet made loud yawning noises. "Supposing they did it again? Had us sleep together then rewrote our histories to suit them?"
Reet thought for a moment. "Well, it would make some sort of sense, even for that lot. Get down to the archives and dig out the relevant episodes."
"Okay," he said.
"Mind you," a thought struck her. "What if it happened off-screen during one of my many unexplained absences? Or even when we were both missing? Wouldn't be on record then."
"Well, we'll find out soon enough," he said confidently and made to leave.
"What now?" Reet sighed noticing he was still there.
"I was just thinking about the baby's name," he replied.
"What about it?" she was afraid to ask but somehow the words passed her lips.
"I think Monty would be better," he suggested.
"Barbara, get him!" she commanded, making Norris run the 1 second mile. "Okay, Barbara. You can get my minion another time. Let's play with yer ball instead." The phone rang which at least stopped her thinking about Norris's paws all over her luscious body which made her feel violently ill. She wished she had at least an inkling of how he got within 100 miles of the body she reserved solely for virile toyboys or rich men lured into her web. "Yes? Oh, hello, Emily. What's up? Police station? I'll come right away." She hung up, gathered her babies and walked to the police station since they'd still not given her car back.

At Barbara Knox International Airport, the plane from Bermuda landed. The brunette cleared customs and got into a taxi. "Ritanation Street, ta," she said then sat back smiling.

Down at Weatherfield Police station, Reet was furious with the dozy desk sergeant. "I want to speak to your superior," she demanded.
"He's coming," he told her, completely disinterested and more bothered about reading his comic.
"Reet?" she heard a familiar voice behind her say.
She turned round. "Tony? I thought you'd been written out."
"Occasional guest appearance," he replied. "Helps pay the bills. So, I understand you're here about your friends."
She nodded. "What's going on, Tony? Why have they been arrested?"
"We've had a complaint from one of the residents," he explained. "She had a friend tell the papers because she doesn't speak to the press. Won't even give us a statement, claiming she doesn't give interviews either. So, as she won't cooperate despite constantly ringing up and giving those in CAD permanent earache, we can't do anything. Your friends are free to go."
Reet smiled as they appeared. "Thank you, Tony."
"My pleasure," he said.
"See yer," she said then followed them outside. "Right," she began, a notable change in her tone. "Get back to Salford to make up for lost business and if that woman complains again, you leave her to me."

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 35

Reet was on the phone. "But I want to come back," her caller was saying. "I'm popular and people want to see me."
"Ratings drop by millions with you around," Reet stated. "No way. Not now we've got them up to 50 million and rising with nearly the entire country tuning in just to see me. Who's the popular one, eh?" she gloated.
"At least give it some thought. Please," the caller begged.
"I have to go now. All this talking and holding the phone is wearing me out. Bye, Reet."
"Goodbye, Bet," she said then hung up. "And good riddance."
Betty burst into the shop. "Reet!" she panted.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Reet cried. "And why aren't yer wearing that micro skirt and boob tube I bought for yer?"
"Never mind about that," Betty dismissed. "We've got trouble."
"What sort of trouble?" Reet raised a wary eyebrow.
"It's that bloody woman again," Betty told her. "She's taken to marching around with a placard."
Reet rubbed her forehead. "Look, tell her to come and see me. I'll answer any questions she has and we can discuss it like civilised human beings."
"We've already told her that and given your address and phone number but she's having none of it. She says through her friend she doesn't speak to the press," Betty replied.
Reet got mad at the thought of all that lost profit. "But I'm not press! Right, then tell her the longer she carries on the more she's drawing attention to our business and thank her for the free advertising. That should hopefully shut her up."
"I hope you're right," Betty doubted. "But we'll try."
"If not, don't worry. I'll fix her one way or t'other," Reet promised.
"I'm beginning to think nowt'll stop that one. See yer later," Betty said then left.
"See yer," Reet said sadly. "And don't forget to dress properly for the occasion!" she called after her.
Norris arrived all ready for a day battling Reet, Barbara and cooing over his little daughter Monty. He was determined Reet should change the baby's name to that from little Reet but so far big Reet wasn't listening so he was working on a way to make her agree. He stopped dead in his tracks as he looked around the mainly empty shop. "Where's my Post Office gone?"
"Got shut of it and took the cash," Reet explained. "That, the dry cleaning, booking chara trips, crap CDs and loads of the rubbish which are not attracting many customers. In fact, bugger all so they had to go."
"B-but they were all my brainwaves," he protested.
"And I wasted a lot of cash agreeing to them," she barked. "That'll teach me for listening to you and your dozy ideas when I was still suffering the effects of the carbon monoxide."
"But that were 2 years before," he pointed out.
"Shurrup!" she shouted. "That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it."
"What are we going to have in their place?" he wondered.
"Haven't quite decided yet," she pondered. "An Ann Summers-type shop perhaps. All those whips and handcuffs are very popular. Have to see."
"What about the usual stock of newspapers, sweets, cigarettes and my precious rows of magazines?" he asked.
"Oh, they'll stay," she reassured "It is a newsagent after all so it would be a bit daft not to flog papers, despite the fact I could do with the lie-ins these days."
"Well, you do need more beauty sleep than most," he remarked.
She threw a bag of humbugs at him. "I'm still as gorgeous as I was in my teens. I have the skin of a 20-year-old."
"What dead body did you pinch that from?" he asked sarcastically.
She moved up a scale and threw a jar of pear drops at him which hit him on the head. "Yes!" she breathed joyfully. "Not my fault I have a screaming baby keeping me awake all hours. I lay the blame for her squarely at your pervy door. Oh, before I forget. We'll be relocating back in Rosamund Street. Should never have tried copying EastEnders by moving everything so close."
"Won't that be a little small?" he asked, rubbing the lump on his head. "I remember how tiny it was when I was here before as Carlos wooing Mavis."
"Don't be daft," she laughed. "It'll be of Tardis-like proportions just like everything else. And the flat above will be a Penthouse!"
"Oh, did you find out how we, er..." he said quickly, getting off the subject of her delusions of grandeur.
"Weren't on any of those tapes," she told him. "So I can only imagine it were by Immaculate Conception caused by us just being behind the counter together. Or a cynical ploy to give you summat to do other than annoying me and Emily, being nosy and chasing moggies."
"Oh," was all he could say, wishing he knew how he'd come to father the baby as much as she did.
"Now I'm off for another holiday so make me loads of money while I'm away," she ordered then swept past to count her pound per word quota.

In the street, a taxi pulled up outside the Rovers. After the driver had been paid and the brunette got out, he unceremoniously dumped her Gucci luggage on the cobbles then sped off. The woman looked round. "I never thought I'd come back to this place with this head," she said to herself then went in. She made her way to the bar, The Bitch Is Back playing conveniently in the background. "Pint please," she told Shelley as she rolled a cigarette. Everyone looked round on hearing the familiar tones.
"Linda?" Mike asked, squinting as he nearly had a heart attack.
The woman turned round. "Hiya, Mike. Long time no see," she beamed at him.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 36

The atmosphere in the Rovers was very frosty. Mike had to sit down at the shock of seeing his ex-wife. "Got nowt to say?" Linda asked him. "Well, first time for everything."
"I thought you said you were never going to come back - ever," he said, still stunned.
"I changed me mind after I was told your crap producer was out on his ear. There was no way I'd work for him again," she told him then supped her pint.
"Where've you been?" he asked. "Bermuda," she stated.
"Last we read in the script you were in Dublin with some other bloke," Mike continued confused as he squinted.
"But I'm back and here to stay whether you like it or not," she gloated. Mike paled and hurriedly left. "Oh dear," she commented. "If he reacts like that just seeing me again, what will he be like when I tell him I've married Mark and given him a grandchild?"

Over at The Kabin, Norris was worrying. After some consideration about leaving the shop open and unattended so he could speak to Reet, he decided to since they hardly had any customers anyway. It was never as busy as it used to be when it was in Rosamund Street. Must be that brown dress, he reasoned. It was a lure to get the male customers in at least. Must try and persuade Reet to start wearing it again, he thought. He made his way upstairs and found her bent over a suitcase with her back to him. He tried averting his gaze but it wasn't easy. "Reet," he croaked.
She turned round. "Stop perving!" "I-I'm not," he blushed as she raised an eyebrow. "I see I'm going to have to take yer to the vet," she told him. He shifted uncomfortably and moved his hands accordingly at the thought. "What do yer want?" she snapped. "And, more importantly, who's minding the shop?"
"Emily," he lied. "Emily's in Salford earning my holiday spends," she replied, arms folded. "Try again."
"I closed it," he lied again. "But I have a very good reason," he added quickly as she opened her mouth to hurl more abuse at him over her lost profits.
"It had better be good," she warned. "What is it?"
"Childcare," he said.
"Huh?" she frowned."
"If you're off galavanting again until who knows when, what's going to happen to Monty?" he asked.
"Her name's little Reet," she barked. "And don't yer forget it if yer want yer name on the birth certificate."
"All right," he conceded. "What's going to happen to little Reet? I'm having kittens fretting about it."
"What HAS been going on between you and that moggy?" she wondered.
"You know what I mean," he replied.
"Unfortunately I do," she replied. "Though it would've made an interesting storyline and one that's never been done before." Norris just pouted. "Keep yer hair on, Norris," she assured. "Or what there is of it. The baby's going with me, while you and Emily look after Barbara. I'd have thought that was obvious, even to a moron like you."
"Won't having a baby around cramp your style?" he asked and ducked ahead of her response. When there was none, he warily straightened in case she was lulling him into a false sense of security.
"Good point," she said. "Okay. You can look after her while I'm gone. But no favouritism. Barbara MUST have equal treatment or I'll make you suffer in ways you've never even imagined and you'll never see little Reet again. Comprendez, peasant?" He nodded solemnly. "Good," she smiled. "Barbara, go to the moron, sweetheart. And if he neglects you, bite him." The puppy loyally obeyed and her tail wagged like windscreen wipers at the thought of biting Norris. She kissed her babies then picked up her cases before frowning and putting them down again. "What am I doing carrying me own bags? That's your job." Norris reluctantly did as ordered, knackering his back in the process with the amount of them, followed her to her taxi then waved her off, glad to be rid of her for a while.

Back at the Rovers, Janice went over to Linda, glad she had to do no more drunken singing and dancing on tables. "Well, you're a sight for sore eyes.
"Ever thought of trying Optrex?" Linda replied as she rolled another cigarette.
"Glad to see yer back," Janice went on, missing the remark.
"Ta," Linda smiled insincerely as she lit up.
"Where yer staying?" Janice enquired.
"No idea," Linda shrugged.
"Why don't yer come to my flat? I've plenty of room now I've dumped the woodentop," Janice suggested.
"Ta," Linda said. "Much appreciated."
"By the way, what yer doing back anyroad?" Janice asked.
Linda smiled enigmatically. "To cause trouble."

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 37

Reet returned from her holiday and went straight up to the flat. Norris heard noises coming from above and thought it was burglars. He cautiously went up carrying a rolled-up copy of the Gazette as protection. "I'm warning you," he said trying to be heroic. "I'm armed. I'm also a black-belt in karate so attack me at your peril."
"What's all this noise?" a man's voice said.
"Archie!" Norris was startled to see the undertaker standing in the kitchen wearing just his boxers. "What are you doing here? I thought you'd quit to do other things."
"I've been brought back for a guest appearance," he told him.
"As my husband," he heard a voice say before Reet appeared from behind the door clad in a skimpy, see-through teddy.
Norris was embarrassed and couldn't understand why he felt like ravishing her himself.
"Your husband?" he finally said.
"That's right," she beamed as she cuddled her favourite undertaker. "We bumped into each other while I was away." she said before she and Archie gazed lustfully at each other. "Our eyes met across a crowded pier and we realised our love under it," she said softly.
"That's far too much information," he said.
"Are yer ill?" she asked as she felt his forehead. "It's not like yer not to want to know all the juicy details."
"In this case, I'll gladly pass," he replied feeling strangely moved as she touched him.
"What yer gawping at me like that for?" she asked. "Anyone'd think you were jealous."
"Don't be so preposterous, Reet," he said, though hated the thought of her and Archie for some reason but was never bothered about her and anyone else.
"Anyway, I thought yer were only interested in cats," she quipped.
"I have been married, Reet," he snapped.
She was taken aback by his response. "Ooooooh," she said. "But we only have your word for it you're capable of doing owt with women."
"Well you should know better than anyone what I'm capable of, Reet," he spat.
She widened her eyes but felt sick at the thought. "That's still one of the great unanswered mysteries of the universe," she replied. "Now if yer don't mind, me and Archie are feeling tired after the journey and would like to have a lie down. So clear off and make me some money!"
"Don't you want to know about little Reet and your hairy monster?" he asked.
"Later, peasant," she told him. "And she's not a hairy monster. She's my baby Barbara. Now, get!" Norris ran back down the stairs while Reet cuddled up to Archie. "So," she said as she led him back to the bedroom. "Tell me how profitable the undertaking business is again."
"I never knew talk of money was such a powerful aphrodisiac," Archie commented. "Women are usually so bored with things like that unless they get to spend it."
"Not this woman," she cooed. "I'm VERY interested in how much profit you make."

Over at the Barlows Ken was bored.
"Let's go to Canal Street," Ade suggested. "We'll have a blast."
"Aren't you a bit young for there?" Ken wondered.
"Yer can always lie about my age and say I don't have a licence if asked for one because I've been banned from driving," Ade said. "You can also say you're my lecturer."
Ken squinted and raised an eyebrow as he thought about it. "Okay," he said. Could be fun. Let's go shopping. You can help me pick out something suitable to wear."

In The Kabin, Norris was still not feeling himself after the sight of Reet in her undies. Audrey walked in. "Hello, Norris. Norris? Coo- ee, Norris."
He came out of his fantasies. "Oh. Afternoon, Audrey."
"Owt wrong?" she asked.
"No. No," he said, but decided to meddle in affairs of the lust between Reet and Archie. He knew how Archie and Audrey had a soft spot for each other. He drifted off into his own world again at the thought of Reet's soft spots.
"Norris," she said. "Oi, Norris!"
"Oh, sorry, Audrey. I was just thinking," he replied.
"Daydreaming by the looks of things," she noted. "Is it a woman, eh?"
"No," he lied.
"A man then?" she went on.
"Sort of," he said.
"Well, it is the 21st century, lovey," she laughed.
"I was actually thinking about that friend of yours, Archie Shuttleworth," he stated.
"Archie?" she stopped laughing. "What about him? It's not him you're daydreaming about, is it? Because I can yell yer now you're not his type."
"I do know that. And no, I wasn't thinking about him in that way as it happens" he replied defensively.
"Well, what about him then?" she repeated.
"He's upstairs with Reet right now," he informed her.
Audrey frowned. "Yer mean he's back?"
Norris nodded. "Didn't you know?" he went on, sensing he could stir things up a bit here.
"He's probably been too busy to come and see me yet," she brazened it out, not wanting Norris to see she was hurt by the snub.
"Why don't you go up?" he suggested. "I'm sure he'll be delighted to see you."
"No, I couldn't do that," she shook her head, pride wounded even more since he had never been all that friendly with Reet.
"Course you can. Go on. You can go up this way," he encouraged hoping she'd do it.
"Okay," she sighed as she went through. Norris waited at the bottom of the stairs listening. "Archie?" he heard her faintly call cheerfully. "Archie?" Then he heard a scream and grinned before he returned behind the counter as Audrey ran down the stairs and rushed past him in tears. He was so pleased with himself for getting his own back on Reet at last he allowed himself to dip into her profits by eating several packets of wine gums. He nearly choked when he heard stomps heading in his direction.
"Cole!" a voice yelled and he began to quake in his shoes.

To be continued...