Happiness Is...A Bulging Bank Balance

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 63

A few days later and the residents of Ritanation Street were still celebrating the end of Reet. The pub was packed for once.
"Why the writers didn't do summat to get rid of her long ago I'll never know," Audrey pondered.
"They were too afraid of her," Mike told her.
"I know the feeling," Norris piped up.
"Are yer glad she's gone?" Audrey asked him.
"I'll say," Norris said. "Though I do miss her cruelty towards me."
"Are you some sort of masochist then, Norris?" Mike asked.
"Don't be ridiculous!" he scoffed. "I've just got used to being ill-treated and waking up every morning covered in cuts and bruises, that's all."
"Well, I don't miss that money-grabbing bitch," Betty announced.
"I wouldn't quite use those words, but I agree with Betty," Emily added. "Some of the things she put us through doesn't bear thinking about."
"Hear, hear!" Fred and Dev contributed. "That woman's evil," Fred went on. "And to think, I wanted to marry her at one time. I had a very lucky escape. I say, a very lucky escape."
"You and me both, mate," Mike said.
"The question is, is there any chance of her making a comeback?" Audrey asked. "After all, we finally got shut of Bet, but that didn't stop her wheedling her way back in, did it?" The crowd mumbled.
"Only thing Reet got right were keeping Bet out," Vera said. Murmurs and nods went around the pub.
"No," Fred said. "Reet's gone forever. I have heard there'll be a prison riot and she'll die just to make sure there's no return."
"Good!" Audrey said firmly. "Sooner she does, the better."
"Well," Fred began hesitantly. "Now she HAS gone, I think it's time we changed the name of the programme."
"Great idea," Mike grinned. "
You mean, you're planning on erasing all trace of Reet, like she never existed?" Norris was aghast.
"Yep," Mike's grin got wider. "That's what happens in soaps today."
"But, what about my daughter little Monty?" Norris wondered. "I don't care about the mangy mutt. But I don't want to lose my little girl."
"Sorry, Norris," Mike replied. "She's got to go too. Like all children and pets, they'll soon be forgotten about by the viewers as well. Out of sight, out of mind. The writers told us they're all a right thick bunch without a millimetre of brain cell between them. By the way, speaking of brains, where's Ken?"
"Sulking at home," Deirdre replied. "It seems now that Reet's gone, the writers want to turn him back into a boring, ageing lothario, but he wants to stay gay and loves being a drag queen. He's got through five tubs of ice cream just thinking about it."
"Well, I think after the events of the past year, we all need cheering up," Mike suggested. "Isn't that new place opening tonight over the road?"
"Aye," replied Fred, taking a convenient flyer from his breast pocket. "The Kan Kan Klub it's called."
"Ooh, sounds like there'll be dancing girls," Mike chuckled excitedly.
"It's a pole dancing casino apparently," Norris sniffed disapprovingly.
"Not your scene?" Fred asked.
"It most certainly is not," Norris stated.
"Oh, come on, Norris," Mike said. "Why don't you go? Could be a laugh."
"Aye," Fred added. "And we could all do with that before the next lot of scripts arrive."
"Go on, Norris," Mike nudged. "Now's your chance to do something completely out of character. You too, Roy. You may never get another chance."
"What?" Roy looked up. "Why not? It may be a very interesting, educational experience."
"Just as long as yer don't enjoy it too much," Hayley warned.
"I hardly think that's likely, Hayley," Roy replied.
"Right," Mike finished his drink. "Let's go lads."
"But, what about our Halloween party?" Shelley called after them.
"Dressing up in scary costumes or enjoying the company of semi-naked nubile young ladies? Absolutely no contest. I say, no contest." Fred replied over his shoulder before following the other male residents as they crossed the road to where The Kabin had been before returning to its roots. The new club was so full, they found they could barely move. Most wouldn't have objected if they were being crushed against scantily-clad women. They eventually found tables and sat down ready for the entertainment.
"Exciting, innit?" Mike grinned, nudging Norris.
"If you like this sort of thing," Norris sniffed, unimpressed.
"We do. Don't we, eh, lads?" Mike said trying to contain his excitement.
"That we do," Fred beamed. "I say, that we do." All the lights were dimmed.
"Here we go," Mike chuckled.
"I'm rather afraid it looks like it," noted Roy flatly.
"Gentlemen," a voice said over the tannoy. "Welcome to the opening night of the Kan Kan Klub. Before we take your money, a quick free preview of what you can expect all day, every day."
Everyone stared at the stage as a spotlight revealed the back of a nearly-naked woman clutching a pole tightly. They watched in anticipation as the woman swung round smiling pleasantly.
"Reet!" Ash grinned, over the moon his lover was back and rumours of her demise had been greatly exaggerated.
"I don't believe it!" Mike gasped and clutched his chest. "Talk about getting a nasty fright on Halloween. This has got to be the scariest ever." "
Good evening," Reet smiled pleasantly, gyrating around the pole provocatively in a way she knew her lovers enjoyed in the bedroom. "Welcome to my new money-making venture! Yes, I'm back, as yer can see. And what's more, I'm staying for good no matter what." She stood still and eyed her subjects with a wry smile and a mischievous glint in her eye.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 64

"You're all back early," Shelley observed as the men returned to the Rovers in differing moods.
"Treble brandies all round," Fred ordered. "We've just had us a very nasty shock."
"What sort of shock?" Shelley asked.
"The worst imaginable," Mike added. "What could be as bad as all that?" she wondered.
The doors burst open. "Me!" Reet boomed joyously, arms raised in triumph.
"Oh no," Audrey muttered. "I thought we'd seen the last of her."
"Not a hope, Aud," Reet replied victoriously. "And it's no good whispering. All I have to do is look at the script to know what yer saying."
"You've been axed," Dev said. "The storyline had you locked up on remand but you were due to die in a riot before the trial."
"And yer've obviously been misinformed," Reet stated.
"How did you swing it, eh?" Mike asked. "Even Bet can't get her foot back in the door again that fast."
"Yer so right there," Reet told him as she tickled him under the chin like a pet. "Those backstabbing writers were all so stupid. Too wrapped up in mutiny and their own egos that they forgot I owned the building and, therefore, I paid their wages. I'm the only one who does the hiring and firing on Ritanation Street. Suffice to say, those who weren't in on the mutiny, like my wonderful Jack Stapleton, have all signed new loyalty contracts where they vow never to try and axe me again or I'll have their heads. The rest? Well, they were far too influenced by that scumbag I axed weeks ago, Roger Marks. So, as they love churning out crap daily, I've decided to put them down the sewers so their talents don't go to waste and will feel right at home." Everyone pulled a face at that thought. "Now I'm back, everything goes back to normal," she continued. "Betty, Emily, Fred and Dev. Get yer backsides back up to Salford pronto and make me quadruple the money you've done me out of these past few days."
"Ken will be glad to hear you're back," Deirdre croaked hoarsely. "They wanted to turn him normal again and he was not happy."
"How can yer tell what's normal with him?" Reet frowned.
"True," Deirdre conceded. "He has always been a bit on the strange side. So, Ken can stay as he is?"
"Course he can," Reet smiled.
"I'll go and tell him right now. Thanks, Reet," Deirdre beamed. "
Pleasure," Reet said as she watched her leave. "Well, at least someone's pleased to see me."
"I am too, Reet," Norris grinned annoyingly.
"You?" Reet was surprised. "I thought you'd be delighted to see the back of me."
"So did I," he admitted sadly. "Then I discovered they were planning on rewriting history so you never existed, and that would've meant I lost my daughter."
"Ah," Reet breathed. "So it was the CHILD you wanted around and not me at all!"
"No," he insisted. "I missed you being horrible to me. I'll prove it. Hit me."
"Yer what?" she raised an eyebrow.
"Hit me," he begged.
"Don't be stupid," she snorted. "And don't give me orders, peasant!"
"HIT ME!" he demanded as she shoved her.
She picked up a tray and smashed him over the head. "How DARE you touch me, moron!" she yelled.
"Thank you," he grinned happily as he rubbed his bump. "Now I know things are back to normal."
She smiled wryly, her gaze fixed firmly on Audrey and Mike. "Oh, yes," she said slowly. "Things ARE back to normal."
Audrey swallowed hard. "Well, it's great to see yer again, Reet, but I really have to pop over and see Gail and what kiddies she has left who are still speaking to her. Goodnight." She bid a hasty retreat before Reet could say or do anything.
"Not running away too, Michael, dear?" she asked sarcastically.
"Not a chance," he was resolute. "I wouldn't let Linda drive me away, so I certainly aren't gonna let you."
Reet looked around. "Where IS Linda?"
"I don't know and I don't care," he spat angrily. "I just wish wherever she's gone, you'd gone with her."
"Now, now, Mike," she said patronisingly. "Yer know yer don't mean that. We both know yer love me really."
"Love you?" he squinted. "I'd rather love a boa constrictor. Although the resemblance between you and it is uncanny. Especially the way it squeezes the life out of people while you squeeze the money." He slammed the glass down and stormed out.
Reet smiled, satisfied with a job well done of driving him away despite his protestations. "Before I go too," she addressed the drunken masses, "I just want to warn yer. If ANY of yer try to double-cross me, you'll be joining them so-called writers down the sewers. And I'll make sure NONE of yer ever act again. Although, in a lot of yer cases, yer can't act now so no one'd miss yer. I'll be going over your contracts tomorrow. So, if yer want to keep these lovely wages, yer know what yer have to do. Night everyone and pleasant dreams." She swept out majestically feeling rather smug.
"Quick, Shelley," Fred gasped. "Drinks all round for everyone!"

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 65

A few days later and the residents of Ritanation Street were getting on with life again now Reet was well and truly making her renewed presence felt. Most had signed extensions to their contracts. But Reet had axed all the deadwood who were of no use to her.
"That's more like it," she commented as she reclined having re-read the last of the renewed contracts. "Back to how it used to be with hardly any annoying teens who were hired for looks without checking to see if they could act or not. Pay cuts as well. How lovely. I knew they'd all agree since they love all this regular money as much as I do. I'll love checking my bank statements to see their losses added to my gains every month. More profit for little me!"
"Speaking of profit," Norris piped up from the corner where he was sat and attached to the wall with Barbara's lead. "It's bound to have taken a severe dent with your Kan Kan Klub venture," he continued.
"What?" she asked, gently stroking the puppy who was snuggled on her lap.
"The cost of construction," he replied. "Not to mention furnishing. Can't have come cheap. And the pain you go through having to part with a single penny is legendary."
Barbara sensed her owner's thoughts and her head shot up. Norris now had two pairs of dark hooded eyes staring at him and swallowed nervously.
"Not that it's any of your business," Reet hissed. "But I paid nowt. Did yer really expect me to? I ordered the prop department to go hunting through rubbish dumps, skips and anything else they could think of to find the materials needed. So, it cost me absolutely nothing, while I rake in a fat, juicy profit."
"I'm glad to hear you're the same old Reet, despite your brief enforced absence," he smiled.
"Not so much of the old, peasant!" she yelled. "Barbara, get him!"
The dog leapt across the desk, raced over and started chewing him.
"Get off!" he shouted as he screamed in pain.
After several minutes enjoying the spectacle, Reet called the dog off. Barbara duly trotted back over and leapt on her lap.
Norris rubbed his wounds. "You wouldn't treat an animal they way you treat me," he said bitterly.
"Why would I when yer easy prey?" she asked. "Animals are so much nicer than people."
"Not that one," he said firmly. "Do yer want Barbara to come over there and play with yer again?" she raised an eyebrow.
"She's adorable," he lied, forcing a smile.
"First time sense has come out of that mouth of yours," she replied, stroking the eager dog. Suddenly they heard a crash from outside. "If that's them flamin' former writers trying to make a break for freedom, I'll have 'em!" she warned as she pushed the dog off and got up to look out the window. "I don't believe it!"
"What is it?" he asked, nose twitching since he couldn't see for himself.
"Some moron's only crashed their Jag into my lovely Porsche," she snapped. "Right. Stay there, Barbara, and play with Norris while I sort this out."
Norris closed his eyes tightly in fear as Reet stormed out, slamming the door behind her, and he heard the dog's panting getting closer.

"Oi! What do yer think yer doing?" Reet yelled as she crossed the car park.
"I'm sorry," the man replied.
"That's my car yer've wrecked. Took me ages to get one out of those miserable gits," she snapped.
"I'm really very sorry," the man said sincerely. "My car lost control on the turn. Naturally I'll pay for all repairs or a replacement if it's a write-off."
Reet changed her tone on hearing she wouldn't have to pay. "That's very kind of yer, Mr..."
"Getty," the man told her.
"Not John Paul?" she asked breathless.
"Isn't he dead?" the man wondered. "No. It's Harry Getty. Here's my card."
She took it. "I'm Reet Baldwin. Sorry. Shuttleworth. Keep forgetting that cockney rat Baldwin did the dirty on me."
"I'm very pleased to meet you, Reet," Harry smiled.
Reet eyed up his posh car, fancy clothes and jewellery. "The pleasure's all mine," she smiled sweetly.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 66

The next day Reet was on the phone in her penthouse. "Yer kidding! Really? Well, I can't say I'm all that surprised. He literally reeked money. How much?! Sixty billion?! Is he married? Wonderful! Good work, Ken. See yer." She hung up, grinning so much at her next trophy her face almost split in half. "Reet Getty," she said to herself. "Yes. That has a lovely ring about it. A 200 carat diamond one at least." She picked up the phone and dialled. "Hello, Harry? It's Reet Shuttleworth. Very well, thank you. I was wondering if that invitation to dinner was still open? Well, I'm free tonight. The Kabin, Rosamund Street. See yer at seven then." She hung up, adding sixty billion to her millions. Her mental arithmetic was interrupted by a knock at the door. "What?" she barked.
The door slowly opened and Norris popped his head around it. "Are you coming downstairs to work today, or what?"
"I've already answered that with my previous remark," she informed him.
"What?" he frowned, not understanding.
"Exactly," she grinned. "I'm on my own down there," he protested.
"So?" she shrugged. "Yer should be used to that by now."
"With all the time off you have, I am," he remarked.
"What yer whining about then?" she shrieked.
"Because," he said firmly," When you actually grace the set with your presence, things out to be different and you should be pulling your weight instead of throwing it around."
She raised an eyebrow. "How DARE you talk to me like that! I OWN the shop! I OWN this studio. I own EVERYTHING which pays yer wages, yer ungrateful peasant! If I choose not to work in the shop, that's my business. Now get out and make me some money, or I'll set Barbara on yer!"
"Threats again," he snorted, totally unimpressed. "That's all you ever do when you can't get your own way. Well, I'm telling you now, Reet, I won't stand for this much longer."
"Yer won't be STANDING much longer at this rate!" she yelled. "So, the peasant is revolting. Nowt new there. Do as yer told. I'm far too busy all afternoon making myself even more gorgeous for a hot date tonight to work."
"Sure the afternoon's long enough?" he asked sarcastically. "Perhaps you should put it off a month or two to give you more time to prepare."
"Get out!" she screamed, hurling a paperweight at him. It hit the door which he'd hastily closed for cover. It reopened.
"Touched a nerve?" he continued, feeling pleased with himself.
"I've tried to be very patient with you-" she hissed through gritted teeth.
"I'd hardly call that patience," he interrupted. She picked up a vase.
"I wouldn't if I were you," he said. "That cost money. You won't like it being broken into tiny pieces."
"If yer head goes the same way on contact, I won't be too upset," she replied.
"What are you waiting for?" he goaded.
"Ooh, puncturing those flamin' kids' football has given you a superiority complex," she noted.
"Perhaps," he admitted. "But at least I'm not a lazy, bossy, drunken, money-grabbing slob."
"Get out!" she yelled, hurling the vase.
"Missed me," he grinned and left.
Reet looked at the mess on the floor. "My beautiful vase," she sobbed. "That cost me a whole pound from Cheap & Cheerless and gone, just like that. He'll pay for this. And he can start by cleaning up all the bits with his tongue!" She flounced out, got in the lift and went down to the shop. When the lift doors opened and she stepped onto the shop floor, she noticed it was eerily quiet. "Norris!" she yelled. She walked to the front and discovered it was empty and the door locked with the closed sign up. "Little runt! Shutting the shop and doing me out of my profits! I'll flamin' get him for this!" She picked up the phone. "Ken. Get yer wobbly backside over to The Kabin. I don't care what yer doing! Put him down and get here NOW! What do yer mean, what if yer don't? Don't you dare rebel on me an' all, or I'll make yer boring again in yer cardie. Good. Glad to know you've seen sense." She slammed the phone down and began to plot her revenge on Norris, even though she knew her fun would have to wait until she'd reeled in her biggest catch to date who were much better than tiddler's like Baldwin.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 67

Later that night, Reet and Harry had a very expensive dinner at Delphines. Harry insisted on paying which Reet didn't object to. She dragged him to the Rovers afterwards to show how the other half live, as well as show off her latest billionaire lover to the envious masses. Audrey choked on her drink when they entered.
"What will it be?" Harry asked.
"I'm easy," Reet said. "I know you are," he replied. "But what about the drink?"
"Vodka and tonic," she told him. "Smidgeon of tonic. Don't want to ruin the delicate flavour of the vodka."
"Okay. Why don't you find us somewhere to sit?" he suggested, gently caressing her shoulder.
She winked at him then went to a booth, making sure they'd be in full view of Audrey.
"Large scotch, Fred!" Mike called as he strolled casually in.
"Evening, Audrey. What's up?"
"Them," she indicated Reet and Harry.
"Blimey, she doesn't waste any time," Mike gasped.
"No. She certainly doesn't," Audrey said quietly. "He has to be the youngest yet."
"Worth a bob or two by the look of him," Mike observed. "Are we going to warn him about her?"
"What's the point?" Audrey shrugged. "Apart from the fact she's got us over a barrel, we don't even know him."
"Very true," Mike agreed. "His funeral then."

In the booth Reet was pleased it appeared Mike, and especially Audrey, had conceded defeat in order to keep their well-paid jobs and left her alone at last.
"Enjoy yourself tonight?" Harry asked.
"Very much," she smiled sweetly.
"You're very good company," he continued. "It's so tragic you haven't had much luck with your husbands."
"No," she said, eyes cast down as she acted sad.
"And all whirlwind romances," he noted.
"No point waiting too long when yer get to my age," she replied, getting increasingly irritated by these comments.
"Very true," he said. "That's why I feel I can say this." He slid out of the booth then went down on one knee in front of the entire pub, making Audrey choke on her gin again. He held Reet's hand tenderly. "I love you, Reet. Will you marry me?"
Reet would've choked too if she'd been drinking at the time but her glass was empty. "But I'm 37 years older than you," she pointed out. "Yer after me money?"
"Reet, darling," he said. "What do I want your money for? It's peanuts compared with my wealth."
"Not that many peanuts," she defended, though was several billion poorer than he was. "So, why do yer want to marry me when we only met yesterday?"
"Like you said, no point waiting at your age," he replied frankly. She didn't take too kindly to that remark. "And I don't want to lose you," he added.
She was still offended, but the thought of a soon to be dead billionaire toyboy was too much to resist and placated her temper. "Put like that," she smiled as the entire pub held their breath, "I'd be delighted to marry yer, Harry, sweetheart."
They snogged passionately as the crowd erupted in applause except Mike and Audrey who looked at each other then left in disgust.

Just before bedtime, Reet had her usual drink of cocoa vodka after being walked home by Harry. She was alone in the penthouse with The Secret Diary of Rita Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley-Barlow-Battersby-Shuttleworth, aged I've got a billionaire toyboy so who gives a stuff? and wrote: Harry proposed despite only meeting me yesterday afternoon, and with no help from me! I can't help having my suspicions. Is he after my money? He says not, but some people can never get enough of the stuff. Thank goodness I'm nowt like that. Does he really love me? Oh well. I suppose it doesn't really matter since I have another wedding, funeral and inheritence to look forward to in the next couple of weeks. Ahh, what a wonderful night's sleep I'll be having tonight dreaming of all that lovely cash and the looks on Mike and Audrey's faces!

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 68

On the 9th November Reet and Harry were married at 10 in the morning. The honeymoon was delayed because, he said, he wanted to take her on a round the world cruise. She was all for that since it mean she'd still get paid for 3 months of not working, even though it meant his doom was delayed slightly. As she mingled with the guests at the reception, Ken collared her.
"What do yer want?" she hissed.
"I need to talk to you urgently," he pleaded.
"Can't it wait?" she asked impatiently.
"I'm afraid it can't. It's about your husband," he told her.
She sighed heavily. "All right. Let's go outside." He followed her into the cold. "Right, get on with it. And make it quick," she ordered.
"He's broke," Ken said.
"Yer what?" she laughed. "Oh, don't be ridiculous."
"It's true," he implored. "He only married you for YOUR money."
"I don't believe yer," she said. "Yer the one who told me he was worth sixty billion. And you expect me to believe he's actually completely potless??!!"
"I made a mistake. I'm sorry," he said, feeling guilty. "I had another look on the Internet and discovered him on a porn site. Well, naked pictures of him on a porn site with a biography underneath. He's got a very nice body under that suit, hasn't he?"
"Never mind about his body!" she yelled. "What about his money? His flash Jag?"
"Ah," he said flatly. "Well, according to the biog, he works for a company who rent Jags. He had an email address so I corresponded with him to discover more. He told me he lives with his parents since being declared bankrupt several years ago owing nearly a million pounds in gambling debts."
Reet's world collapsed. She swayed in shock, unable to take in the fact the conner had been well and truly conned. Ken helped her sit on the step.
"I'm truly sorry, Reet," he said sincerely.
"So yer should be, moron!" she shrieked, belting him. "It's all your fault! Now I know why there's no immediate honeymoon or a replacement for my wrecked Porsche! What am I going to do?"
"Reet?" they heard Harry say behind them. "Are you all right, darling?"
She cursed inwardly as she stood. "Fine," she smiled forcefully. "Let's go back in. It's freezing out here."

That afternoon, Reet and Harry were alone in the penthouse. She needed time to decide what to do about him so until she had duly played the part of an adoring wife to her toyboy hubby. After all, she didn't win all those awards for nothing like they do these days. He still sensed something was wrong.
"Are you sure you're all right?" he asked.
"Why wouldn't I be?" she replied, trying to keep the anger at not getting that sixty billion after all out of her voice.
"It just seems something's up," he pressed.
"You've been acting very odd since you talked to that bloke in the dress.
"Yer imagining things," she dismissed, hoping to shut him up.
"Am I?" he countered.
"Oh, all right," she sighed, brain working overtime. "If yer must know, Ken's told me there's plotters trying to get me ousted as head of the new Reet TV plc, that's all. Not the sort of thing a girl wants to hear on her wedding day."
"Or any day," he said.
"Yer aren't wrong there!" she snorted. "But I'll win," she continued confidently. "I always do. How about summat to eat?"
"Lovely," he smiled. "I'll cook for you."
"I don't mind," she said.
"You stay there and keep the bed warm," he told her then got out and went to the kitchen. Ken's right about that body, she thought. Shame he turned out to be another backstabber.
A short while later he was back. "There's no food," he said. "I'll get dressed and pop over the road."
"Okay," she smiled as she watched him dress. "You couldn't lend me some money, could you?" he asked.
Those words were like a red rag to a bull. "What?" she replied.
"I seem to have left my wallet at my old place," he went on.
"I bet yer did," she said flatly. "Right, that's it."
"That's what?" he wondered innocently. "I've had enough of yer lies, that's what!" she shouted. "The lies of a man who's a bankrupt and living with his parents!"
"Who told you that?" he chuckled nervously.
"Don't matter," she replied.
"Oh, I know. That tosser in the frock," he realised. "All right, yes. I'm broke and married you for your money. You didn't think any sane man would actually love you, do you? Look at the state of you. You're an old, ugly, fat and distinctly unpleasant woman who should buy a new wig because you might not look like such a freak."
Reet was stung by those words. "I'm not THAT bad!" she defended, knowing what a real man magnet she was.
"Only in your severely distorted mirror," he sniped. "I've been watching you snare all your dead, rich husbands and decided I'd like to be a very rich widower. You really are such a stupid bitch. Alan Bradley got that right back in 1989. You think you're clever, but you're as thick as all that eyeliner and mascara you paint on your hideous face. Well, I certainly had you fooled, didn't I?"
"You'll not get away with this," she warned. "I'll have yer."
"I'll get away with it," he said.
"I'll tell the police. Ken already knows," she replied, trying not to panic.
"And who'd believe a weirdo like him?" he laughed. "You won't tell anyone."
"Don't be too sure about that," she said firmly through hooded eyes.
"How can you tell anyone when you'll be dead?" he laughed again.
"Yer kill me and yer'll go to prison," she said desperately.
"Perhaps," he said mysteriously. "Even if they caught me, I'll still have all your lovely money waiting for me on my release." He lunged at her throat, grinning with pleasure as he tightening his grip. After a while she stopped struggling and he let go. He checked for signs of life and when there was none, searched for her bank books and made a hasty exit, leaving the lifeless body of Reet lying sprawled across the bed.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 69

About 10 minutes later, Reet stirred. "And he said I was stupid," she snorted to herself. "Thinking he can kill me. Thank goodness for immortality." She pushed herself off the bed, straightened her wig then checked her bank books. "Fancy taking the ones with just a few lousy quid in," she snorted. "Good job I never mentioned all my off-shore accounts where I keep my millions." She closed the drawer and went to the bathroom for a long soak as she planned her revenge on Harry. She relaxed in the hot, soapy water and plotted, her thoughts interrupted by the phone. She got out, wrapped a skimpy towel around herself and went to answer it.
"Reet!" Norris cried, receiver to his ear. "I'll have to call you back," he said to the caller and hung up. "What are you doing dressed like that in the shop?"
"What are you talking about, peasant?" she demanded. "You should explain your unwanted presence in my flat."
"Flat?" he frowned. "You haven't had a flat since Anthony Stephens went to New Zealand more than two years ago."
"Course I have," she stated firmly, then noticed he was right and she was in The Kabin. "What's happened to my shop? Why aren't we in Rosamund Street?"
"A-are you feeling all right?" Norris asked concerned.
"Afternoon all," Les said cheerfully.
Reet was rocked on her shoeless heels at the sight of him. "What are you doing here?"
"Eh?" he asked, looking around. "I've come to buy a paper."
"You're dead," she continued in shock.
"Hey, now that's not very nice," he chided. "I only had a long night. I'm not ready for a coffin just yet, unlike you. I'll get me paper elsewhere." He stormed out and Reet jumped when the door slammed.
"Well!" she breathed. "That's me told. And by a ghost at that!"
"What was all that about?" Norris asked, hoping for a juicy bit of gossip.
"Keep THAT out!" she barked, tapping her nose. Tracy Barlow 4 walked in stiffly. "Oh no," Reet mumbled. "It gets worse."
"Don't suppose you've got such a thing as a plane, have you?" she grinned at Norris.
"What do you want one of those for?" he wondered.
"To smooth myself down," Tracy smirked. "Apparently I'm giving splinters to everyone who touches me."
"No, we haven't," Reet added. "Going in for a beached whale contest?" Tracy grinned, frowned, then grinned again, gums showing like a horse. "You'll romp it."
Reet went round the counter and punched her in the mouth, breaking all her teeth. "How dare yer come in here when I sacked yer!"
"You can't sack me!" Tracy grinned, spitting out bits of teeth. "I'm on a contract and currently the darling of certain members of the production team. You may be the highest paid for the least amount of work, but that's as far as it goes." She got up and left.
"What was all that about?" Norris asked yet again, scratching his head and hoping for a straight answer this time.
"How dare she!" Reet snapped. "I made it perfectly clear she wasn't wanted on Ritanation Street."
"Ritanation Street?" Norris frowned. "This is CORONATION Street. Reet, are you sure you're all right?"
Ashley entered and Reet rushed over, embracing and kissing him. "Oh, Ash," she cried.
"Gerroff!" he said, pushing her away.
"Ash!" she was aghast as his reaction.
"I don't know what your game is, but I'm not THAT desperate no matter what me dad thinks," he told her forcefully then quickly left.
"You're driving all the customers away," Norris pointed out.
"I don't understand what's going on," Reet sniffed. "Where's my babies?"
"Babies?" Norris chuckled. "Reet, you know you have no children."
"Course I do!" she snapped. There's little Reet who I somehow had with you, and Barbara the Cocker Spaniel."
"Reet, you and I have never..." he said, horrified at such an idea.
"There's no babies?" Reet asked, totally crestfallen. Norris shook his head. "Les isn't dead?"
"You saw that for yourself," he replied. "Have you hit your head?"
"No, I have not!" she barked. She looked up when she heard the door open. "Ken! You're...normal. Where's yer sequinned frock?"
"Frock?" Ken raised an eyebrow as he ran his fingers through his fringe.
"She hasn't been well," Norris excused.
"I see," Ken said. "Just the Gazette thanks, Norris."
Reet felt light-headed and stayed silent as Ken completed the transaction before leaving, casting a worried look over his shoulder.
"Reet?" Norris said.
"I'm cold, Norris," she shivered.
"I'm not surprised dressed like that," he remarked. "You want pneumonia? Come through to the back and sit down."
"I'd rather go upstairs and lie down," she told him. "
But you haven't got a flat set any more so you'll have to make do with the back."
She was trance-like as he led her through. "What's my name?" she suddenly asked.
"Reet," he replied, thinking it was a very stupid question.
"Last name," she corrected.
"Sullivan," he answered. "Not Getty?" she wondered wearily.
"No. Why?" he asked, convinced she was losing her marbles yet again.
She closed her eyes. "Doesn't matter," she said sadly, gently shaking her orange tresses. "Who owns this studio?" she suddenly thought.
"Granada," Norris replied.
"It's not Ritaland studios?" she continued in desperation. "
You know it's been Granada since the 50s," he told her then noticed how miserable she looked. "Here," he said softly, wrapping her favourite shiny mac around her shoulders. "This will keep you warm. Sit down. I'll make you a nice cup of tea." She smiled weakly as she sat. "Oh, customer. And someone who actually wants to buy a stamp. I never thought I'd see the day. Won't be long," he said then left her alone.
"That's the last time I use Imperial Leather Bathtime Double Bubble to see where my bathtime takes me," she muttered to herself. Something caught her eye among the boxes of toffee whirls. She leant forward and pulled it out. The Secret Diary of Rita Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley-Barlow-Battersby-Shuttleworth-Getty, aged mind yer own business or I'll chop yer nose off! She looked directly into camera 2, gave a wry smile and a wink as the theme started.

The End

Patsy