Happiness Is...A Bulging Bank Balance

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 38

Karaoke Night in the Rovers, after Ken had successfully convinced Fred it would be a great money-spinner. After Reet had belted out, Money, Money, Money followed by Ken and Ade duetting with, True Love, then Dev with, I'm Too Sexy it was Ash's turn on the temporary stage.
"This is dedicated to Reet. It sums up my sentiments about her," he squeaked as the music began to, I Don't Wanna Go On With You Like That, about a person with numerous relationships on the go at once and swayed in time. When it was finished, Ashley put the microphone down and smirked as the tune ran to the end but no one noticed as they were all too busy watching Reet's reaction. Archie tenderly placed his hand over hers but the damage was done. She got up and walked out head held high as if it was water off a duck's back. Archie caught up with her on the cobbles.
"You go back in, Archie, love," she told him. "I want to be alone."
"Okay, Garbo," he replied. "But only if yer sure."
She nodded and smiled sweetly at him. "I'll be fine after a while," she assured.
"Okay then," he said before hitching up his Simon Cowell trousers and returning to the pub.
Reet ran home and pulled out The Secret Diary of Rita Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradly-Barlow-Battersby-Shuttleworth, aged young enough to teach those cheeky young whippersnappers who's the boss and wrote: That flamin' Ash. He humiliated me in the pub and all because he can't stand the thought of sharing my finely sculptured body. I suppose I should be flattered really he cares enough to be jealous. But he didn't have to do it in public! Well no matter what he says, I will NOT give up any of my lovers any more than I'll let him dump me! She closed the diary, put it away and began to plan.

Several days later and Archie was worried about his wife since Ash's performance at the karaoke night. She seemed distracted and was even off her vodka which wasn't like her. He was terrified she'd dehydrate and die, not knowing about her immortality.
"Look after my babies, Archie, love" she called on her way out.
"What?" he dashed after her. "Where are you going?"
"I need to talk to Ash about what he did t'other night," she replied as she neared the bottom of the stairs. "See yer later." She had gone before he had a chance to say another word.

Ash was examining himself in the mirror as he wondered if his voice would ever break. The doorbell rang interrupting his thoughts. He went to answer it and was surprised to see Reet on the step. He tried to be unmoved by her presence but deep down was delighted to see her, afraid he'd overstepped the mark the other night. "What do you want?" he asked trying to be nonchalant.
"I think we need to talk, Ash" she said, using her best helpless little woman act.
He paused for a while. "I suppose yer'd best come in then."
She smiled sweetly. "Thank you," she said quietly and deliberately brushed against him as she went by. "Sorry," she added, eyes cast downwards as if ashamed then continued into the living room.
Ash wished she had stayed away despite still lusting after her. "I've got a feeling this is going to be very hard," he mumbled to himself as he shut the door. He stood in the lounge doorway, his eyes glued to her thigh where she'd hitched up her tent as she lounged on the sofa in the hope the sight of her cellulite would still turn him on. "Oh, sod it," he squeaked, went over and snogged her passionately.

8 hours later and Archie was getting more worried. "What could they possibly have to talk about for this long?" he wondered. He'd heard the rumours about his wife at one time having an affair with Ash and numerous others, but surely she'd be faithful to him. He couldn't get the thought of something improper going on out of his head so decided to go and find out. He checked the baby was asleep, as was the puppy, so slipped quietly out and headed down the road. He knocked on the door. Nothing. He knocked again and tried the bell. When there was still no answer he peered through the window, since the curtains had been conveniently left open. His heart sank when he saw Ash and Reet in a compromising position on the sofa. He returned sadly to the flat to await her return.

Another 2 hours passed. "I take it I'm forgiven?" asked Reet of her hunky mouseman.
"No," he stated. "Yer still dumped."
"What?" Reet was aghast.
"Only kidding," he chuckled.
"You had me going for a minute there," she smiled as she playfully hit his chest. "What time is it?"
Ash glanced at the video since it was completely dark by now. "Half eleven."
"What?!" she shrieked as she started putting her tent back on. "Archie'll be wondering where I am."
"What'll yer tell him?" Ash squeaked.
"No idea yet," she replied, stroking his youthful features. "I'd better go. See yer tomorrow." She kissed him then let herself out. As she walked she quickly ran a comb through her hair and re-applied her so-called smudge proof lippy before opening the front door and going in. Upstairs Archie had been getting more and more agitated. He tensed when he heard the door. "I'm really sorry, darling," she said as she kissed him tenderly. "We had a lot of making up to do."
"So I saw," he said, a clear edge in his voice. "So much so, Reet, that I want a divorce."

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 39

Reet was stunned. Possibly more than when she'd discovered Norris was the father of her baby. "You aren't serious," she gasped, the shock of losing all that cash and her very own undertakers taking its toll.
"I've never been more serious in my life," Archie told her, his head moving about like a chicken.
"I don't understand," she frowned. "I thought we were happy."
"Oh, we were," he conceded. "At least, I believed we were until you went back to your own habits."
"I don't understand," she repeated genuinely.
"I saw you and Ash, Reet," he said angrily.
"How?" she was puzzled.
"You'd left the curtains open," he replied.
"It wasn't what it looked like," she panicked as she could feel all that money slipping away from her clutches. "I don't know what happened."
"Oh, come off it, Reet," he snorted. "I'm not daft, you know, even though I do spend most of the day inhaling embalming fluid."
"Honestly, Archie," she pleaded, desperately trying to keep hold of that cash. "I went round to find out what he'd been playing at in the pub. We had a couple of drinks and the next thing I knew it were half eleven. That's the truth."
"The truth?" he sneered. "You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the backside. You're wasted here, Reet. You should've been a politician." He pushed past her.
"Where are you going?" she cried.
"Out," was all he would say.
When she heard the front door slam she broke down in tears. Barbara trotted over to offer her comfort. Reet took out The Secret Diary of Rita Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley-Barlow-Battersby-Shuttleworth, aged I'd rather not think about that right now but I feel like a thousand and wrote the next instalment angrily: Now I've got Archie turning against me. Flamin' scriptwriters! Everything was fine until they decided to make me preggers in a cynical ploy to beat EastEnders. Why did they have to reveal all my lovers like that? And now Archie has the audacity to demand a divorce just because I'm trying to sort out the mess the writers created and get my life back on track. No one dumps me and certainly NEVER divorces me! I'll fix him good and proper for that.

Meanwhile Audrey was being kept awake by incessant banging. She groaned loudly then threw the covers back and went downstairs to see who was at the door. "Archie!" she said surprised. "What are you doing here?"
"I've left Reet," he told her.
"Oh, Archie," Audrey sympathised as she let him in, secretly glad he'd come to his senses. "Come and sit down, lovey," she continued as she ushered him into the living room.
"I'm sorry to land on you like this, Audrey," he said. "I just couldn't think of anywhere else to go."
"It's perfectly all right," she reassured. "What are friends for, eh?"
"I'm glad after everything we're still friends," he smiled. "I should never have married Reet."
Audrey frowned. "Then why did yer?"
"I dunno," he shrugged, looking like a little boy lost. "We've never been that close. But we bumped into each other while she was having one of her numerous holidays and we just fell for each other. I love her, Audrey, and I thought she loved me."
"Oh, Archie," she whispered. "What happened?"
"I'd rather not talk about it," he replied. "It's too painful."
"Okay, lovey," she said as she rubbed his shoulders. "You can tell me when yer feel up to it, eh?"
He noticed she'd stopped rubbing. "What's up?"
"It's all their fault this," she concluded bitterly. "If they'd not contrived a stupid rejection of marriage to write yer out, yer wouldn't be in this mess now."
"Then I'm as much to blame for wanting to go," he told her. "But it won't be a mess much longer. And I'm glad we've cleared the air."
"Me too," she beamed as they embraced then snogged passionately.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 40

The following morning Reet was even more miffed Archie had the nerve to stay away from her gorgeous self an entire night. Her eyes narrowed until the mascara stuck the lashes together. When she'd managed to prise them apart using Richard's spare crowbar she decided to see how much money her friends were making in Salford to take her mind off his treachery. Again she had to walk, which is why she'd placed them so close to the Ritaland Studios. As she was chatting to Emily, she felt something hit her hair. "Oi!" she heard a voice say. Reet gingerly touched her hair to feel for any signs of breakage and hoped it didn't have a hairline fracture.
"Are you listening to me?" the voice demanded to know before clonking her again.
Reet angrily turned around to see a dowdy middle-aged woman carrying a placard.
"That's the woman who's been causing all the trouble," Dev jumped in.
"Is it now?" Reet said slowly.
"Are these 'people'," the woman spat, "anything to do with you?"
"Are yer the one who doesn't give interviews or speak to the press?" Reet raised an eyebrow.
"I asked first," the woman snapped childishly.
"But yes. I decided to make an exception because my friend's gone down with laryngitis."
"What IS your problem?" Reet demanded. "By the looks of yer it's jealousy because yer sexually frustrated."
The woman burst into tears. "You're right," she blubbed. "I'm just a dull, middle-aged, boring librarian who's seeing these people having fun while I've never had any and I want some before I'm past it."
"Well," Reet stepped closer and put her arm around her shoulder. "Stick with me and I'm sure we can do summat about that."

Over at Audrey's, there was an embarrassed silence at the breakfast table. Archie couldn't stand it any longer. "Audrey," he said. "I think we need to discuss what happened last night."
Audrey put her cup down. "I wasn't sure how to bring up the subject, but yer right."
"Weren't it great?" Archie grinned.
Audrey nodded. "Why don't yer go and get yer stuff and move in here now it's all over between you and Reet?"
"Great idea," he replied as he stroked her hand. "And once yer divorce comes through, why don't we stop wasting time and get married this time?" she suggested. "That's if yer still want to."
"I want to," he cooed before kissing her. "I love you, Audrey."
"Oh, Archie," she cooed back. "I love you too."

Over at Janice's, she was getting fed up with her guest lounging around the place and doing nothing. "How long yer staying?"
"Dunno," Linda shrugged. "As long it it takes I suppose."
"As long as what takes?" Janice asked.
"To get what I've been brought back for done and dusted," Linda replied. "After that, who knows? But I'm working on it, so stop hassling me, Janice."

Back at The Kabin, Reet glided through the door ready to enjoy a day of bossing Norris now she'd got that woman off her back. "How's the profits, Norris?"
"So-so," he replied. "By the way, Archie's upstairs. Why would he ask if you were her and be pleased that you weren't?"
Reet didn't answer and rushed past like her backside was on fire, knocking her minion to the floor in the process and ran upstairs. "Archie," she cried in joy. "Yer back."
"Only to get my things," he stated coldly. "Once I'm free of you, me and Audrey plan to finally get wed."
"Audrey?" she said feeling as though she'd been stabbed in the moneybag. She needed to work fast. "Well, we can be civil about this. Congratulations," she said trying to be sincere.
"Thank you," he said. "Cup of tea?" she asked. "A farewell cuppa to toast the end of our marriage and both our futures."
"That would be very nice, Reet," he beamed.
"Good," she replied then smirked to herself as she headed for the kitchen.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 41

A few days later and Audrey had noticed Archie's passion towards he had cooled since he finally walked out on Reet. "Archie?"
"Hmm?" he said, brought out of his dreamworld.
"What's wrong?" she wondered.
"I'm sorry, Audrey," he told her solemnly. "I'm really sorry."
"What about?" she asked. "I still love Reet and I'm going to try and start again with her."
Audrey's mouth dropped open. "But yer said yer loved me."
"I thought I did. But, being away from Reet made me realise how much I miss and want her," he said. "Sorry."

In The Kabin, Reet was biding her time. Norris noticed she wasn't her usual self, but delighted Archie was gone and she was free.
"Are you all right, Reet?" he asked, full of genuine concern. "Only since Archie left you haven't been horrible to me once."
"Don't worry, Norris," she assured. "I'll more than make up for it at some point."
"Oh good," he said as she raised an eyebrow at his reponse, since it meant even physical violence showed he was in her thoughts. The door opened and Archie casually strolled in.
"Hello, Archie," Reet greeted coolly. "What can I do for you?"
"I love you, Reet," he declared. "Can't we try again?"
Norris began to panic, afraid she'd take him back.
"No," she told him and Norris breathed a sigh of relief. "You've made it perfectly clear what you think of me and that hurt, Archie. It really hurt."
"But I DO love you, Reet," he implored passionately. "I can't stop thinking about you. I want you more than Norris wants that cat."
Norris's eyes widened in horror at that remark.
"I don't believe you," Reet went on, a theatrically well timed tear rolling down her cheek, nose dripping on the papers. "I'm sorry, Archie. But how can I trust you not to walk out again over a stupid misunderstanding?" "
Right," he said, hitching up his trousers. "I'll prove it to you." And with that he marched out, a man on a mission.

Half an hour later Reet and Norris heard music coming from outside so went to investigate. They saw Archie on the pavement outside the shop and a 100-piece orchestra crammed into Rosamund Street and on every available roof . He sang, Loving You from Mame. As the instrumental started he took hold of her and they danced along the cobbles. He clutched hold of her tightly as he finished singing.
"Now do you believe me?" Archie asked when the music stopped.
"Oh yes," she breathed. "Oh, Archie. To be serenaded and in the street. It's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me. I love you so much."
They snogged passionately in front of every resident and several extras who were cheering and applauding, while Audrey fought back the tears. She couldn't believe she'd lost him twice. She returned to the salon miserable. As Reet and Archie hugged each other tightly, Reet smiled inwardly to herself.

Three days later and Reet was in the flat alone. She had the customary Secret Diary of Rita Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley-Barlow-Battersby-Shuttleworth, aged as young as you feel and I feel like a teenager so will go out and find one shortly for occasions such as this and wrote: Archie's dead. I knew that potion I slipped in the farewell tea when he had the brass neck to dump me would do the trick and bring him scurrying back. Such marvellous acting I did playing hard to get. Not to mention all that tripe about his dreadful caterwauling in public being romantic. Typical arrogant bloke falling for it hook, line and sinker. If I don't win awards for all of this then it's a definite fix in favour of EastEnders. Anyway, he decided we should go on a second honeymoon now we'd made up and put everything behind us. Naturally, being the dutiful wife I happily agreed. Ahh, the things I do for love. Love of money, that is. Mind you, I hated being crushed, which is why I always kept Alf at arm's length despite his wads of cash. If they'd realised my full potential then instead of waiting until 1988 when they turned Alan into a baddie, I'd have been flattened! So I thank them for saving me from that. I don't know how Audrey put up with it. Still, I suppose you don't notice if someone already looks like they've been run over by a steamroller. Archie took me at Portmeirion before falling off the Bell Tower. Well, not my fault I suddenly developed vertigo and stood in front of the no entry sign, is it? Any more than it's my fault I only packed his slippery shoes and his hair oil leaked all over them. But it's some compensation I now have my own undertakers since I've given him so much business over the years it's about time he gave something back. He was due to die anyway, though he had no idea about that. Hardly my fault either his dumping me and demanding a divorce brought his impending doom earlier than intended. Oh well. I'm in the money, I'm in the money. I wonder who's next and how soon before I add another name to my ever growing list of surnames? Not too long to wait with any luck.
The intercom buzzed so she quickly put the diary away and went to answer it. "Yes? "What do yer want, Norris?" She sighed. "You'd better come up then." She pressed the buzzer, replaced the receiver then did her award-winning nose dripping as she waited.
"I-I've only just heard about Archie," he gasped as he caught his breath. "I'm very sorry, Reet."
"Thank you," she sniffed.
"W-was it an accident?" he asked. She nodded as she sobbed. "Your husbands seem to have a lot of them, don't they?" he observed.
"What are yer implying, peasant?" she snapped.
"Nothing," he replied sheepishly. "I'm just pointing out what a coincidence it is."
She let the tears roll down her face. "Oh, Archie!" she wailed. "Archie! Archie! Archie!" She could see her performance was convincing Norris which pleased her enormously. He put his arms around her and pulled her close.
"There, there, Reet," he comforted. "It's a tragedy you have to keep going through losing all your husbands like this and suffer so much grief."
"I know," she whimpered.
"But I suppose when you get to your age it's only to be expected," he went on.
She pushed him away. "Watch it, Cole!" she warned. "I still haven't forgiven yer for somehow getting me pregnant."
"I-I didn't mean it like that," he said.
She turned the controlled tears and nose dripping on again. "What am I going to do without him, Norris? He was my life. I might as well be dead too."
"We'll have none of that talk, Reet," he chastised. "You know you don't mean it."
"But I dooooooo!" she wailed. "I wish I'd gone up the tower with him then we'd be together forever." She buried her head in his already sodden shoulder again. He put his arms around her then she pushed him away forcibly and slapped him. "Who said you could squeeze and caress my backside?" she boomed. "How dare you! I always said yer were a perv."
"I'm sorry, Reet," he implored, inwardly cursing and deciding to bide his time. The intercom buzzed. "I don't want to see anyone," she said. "So that means you can sod off an' all."
He pulled a face and answered it. "Come on up, Audrey," she heard him say.
"Bugger!" she mumbled. "That's all I need!" Audrey stomped up the stairs. "Audrey, how lovely to-" Reet began.
"You did it!" Audrey interrupted, pointing an accusing finger. "You killed Archie! Yer like a female Richard. Well, I'm warning yer now, lady. I'll stop you like I stopped him. They'll believe me this time, you mark my words. I'll make sure you pay for this." Then she left.
Not again, thought Reet as she closed her eyes.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 42

Reet sat down in shock at Audrey's accusations. She noticed Norris's face. "What?" she snapped.
"Well, she does have a point. And it's not the first time suspicions have been aroused," he told her.
"I see," she replied through gritted teeth. "So, you think like Audrey and Ken that I killed them all?"
"I wouldn't say that," he replied."
And don't forget, idiot, Ken withdrew his accusations because he knew they were lies and was only jealous of his convenient hunky American cousin laying hands on me," she added.
"It is strange they ALL died and were also all extremely rich, Reet," he stated.
"I see," she repeated, trying to stay calm while wishing he'd shut his annoying face. "So I murdered them all for their money, is that it?"
"Well..." he began.
"But I've got plenty of cash of my own and have had since Len died! Or am I supposed to have made him crash into that bridge? Oh, and let's not forget how I put Ted's brain tumour in his head!" she spat furiously attempting to go for tactics. "Oh, get out before I set Barbara on you." He didn't need being threatened with the mutt from hell twice so left. She waited for the front door to close before crossing to the window to make sure he was actually gone. "Damn that Audrey flamin' Roberts!" she hissed as she let the curtain fall. "And damn my minion! Just when everything were going great again. What am I going to do? I won't lose the cash I've worked so hard in acquiring because of them two wastes of space. Norris backed her up about Richard, so will he do the same about me? I doubt she'll let me get close enough right now to fix her, so Norris'll have to be first. But how?"

The following lunchtime in the Rovers and the rumour mill about Archie's death was in full swing thanks to Audrey. She'd been right. People were listening now and not humouring her as a daft old bat losing her marbles.
In a booth, Linda was sipping her pint intrigued. "What's been going on in my absence?"
"Oh, don't yer know about Reet? The black widow, money-grabbing slapper?" Janice asked.
"Blimey," Linda was shocked. "I'm glad I refused to return. If they can change the old bag so much, I dread to think what they'd have done to me. Tell me more."
"Well," Janice said conspiratorially. "She's had five hubbies this past year alone. All rich and all died in accidents not long after the wedding."
"Oh aye?" Linda raised an eyebrow as she lit up her cigarette.
"Not only that, but she got pregnant," Janice went on."
Linda choked as she inhaled. "Pregnant? Bloody hell! She's one-and-a-half feet in the grave as it is. They must be desperate. Who was the father?"
"Ah, well that were a mystery since it came out she'd not only been sleeping with my Les, who she winded up marrying. But also Ken, Kev, Ash, Martin and Curly at the same time!" Janice explained.
"And which one were it?" Linda leaned forward.
"None," Janice replied. "It came as a shock to everyone, not least of all her by all accounts, it were Norris."
Linda leaned back slowly and inhaled deeply. "I can see it's all gone to pot since I left."
Janice nodded. "Yer've no idea the number of times I've had to drunkenly dance and sing on tables."
Linda leaned forward again. "These husbands. All rich yer say? And all dead?"
Janice nodded again. "As yer heard, Audrey's going round telling everyone Reet murdered Archie for his money."
Linda dragged on her cigarette. "And did she?"
"Who knows?" Janice shrugged. "Well, who apart from Reet and Archie that is? But it's a hell of a coincidence they all wound up dead while she's got richer."
Linda smirked to herself, and idea germinating in her scheming head. "Very interesting. Thanks, Janice."

Meanwhile at The Kabin, there'd been no customers at all since opening and people had been ringing to cancel their papers. Reet was livid. Her face going almost the same shade as her hair was in the late 80s. "That flamin' Audrey and her lies," she moaned. "I'll sue her for lost profits. I'll ruin her for this."
"She's only saying it because she dumped Archie in the first place," Norris tried reasoning. "Then he married you."
"Perhaps," Reet said doubtfully.
"Though she does have a point to some extent," Norris continued. "All those husbands. It does look very suspicious."
Reet turned on him. "I thought yer were on my side!" she shrieked. "I've lost me husband. Me profits are sliding. Now yer both ganging up on me!" She whacked him then stormed out, determined to do whatever it took to get him on her side against Audrey.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 43

Several hours later, Reet went back down. "I apologise, Norris."
He nearly collapsed in shock at those words. Reet apologising? He wished he had a tape of it, but remembered he could always pop down to the archives to relive the moment any time he wanted.
"I've been under a lot of pressure lately," she went on. "I suppose when yer think about it, it does look funny they all died. But I didn't want it that way. I only want to be happy. You must believe that."
"Of course I do," he said.
Reet was pleased her act was working. After all, she weren't a multi-award-winning megastar for nowt. Now if only the judges and public would stop being so stupid and vote for her she'd be even more happy at being again the most talked about, photographed, interviewed and adored actress in the entire world...ever.
At that moment two masked men burst in brandishing sawn-off shotguns. "Give us the money!" the first one demanded.
"There isn't any in the till except the float," Reet told him. "Business is crap today."
He grabbed her and held the gun to her head. "Give me the money, baldy, or yer granny gets it!"
Norris didn't know what to do. "But she's telling the truth," he pleaded. "We've not had one customer in all day."
The thug began to squeeze his arm tightly around Reet's throat. "Then give us what there is and all yer fags or she dies."
Norris reluctantly did as ordered and handed it to the second robber. Reet was violently pushed and landed against the counter as they fled."
A-are you all right?" Norris asked. She nodded as she rubbed her neck. "I-I thought he was really going to shoot you," he added.
"So did I," she replied.
Suddenly the heard the sound of glass smashing and the shop began to go up in flames.
"Oh, my God!" Norris cried before rushing outside to see who did it. Then he stopped. "Reet," he remembered and tried to get in but was beaten back by the flames.
"Norris!" he heard her cough. "NORRIS! You're me handmaiden! Do summat to save me!"
He couldn't move. Luckily, the baby and puppy were being looked after by Emily while she recovered from making a very healthy £2,700 the night before. The fire engines arrived in their usual seconds as if they were waiting around the corner.
"Okay, stand back, mate," the fireman told Norris.
"But Reet's in there. M-Mrs Shuttleworth," he replied.
"We'll get her out safely providing she's still alive by the time the ads have finished," the fireman assured.
"But she'll never last those five minutes including the same endless trailers for all that rubbish," Norris shouted angrily. "I'm going in!" He took a deep breath then leaped through the flames before the fireman could stop him. "Reet!" he called. "Reet!" He spotted her lying behind the counter seemingly unconscious. He was afraid it was too late. As he reached out to touch her, he looked up as he heard a clip-clop and saw a vision emerging through the thick smoke.
"My Lady Guinevere," a voice said under a suit of armour. "Don't worry. I'll save you." He dismounted and went to pick Reet up.
"Do you mind?" Norris said affronted. "I'm saving her."
"But it's easier to get her out on my trusty steed," the man replied. "So I shall save the fair maiden."
"I'm saving her," Norris insisted.
"No, I am," the man pushed Norris away.
"Will somebody save her??" Reet yelled, getting fed up.
Both men stopped fighting and looked down at her. "Reet?" Norris said, glad she was still alive.
"Norris," she replied faintly, getting back into her acting. "Save me, Norris." She closed her eyes and let out an audible sigh.
"That's settled," he said to the man proudly. "It's me she wants to be the hero. Now kindly get out of the way."
The man returned to his horse and mounted. "Tell my lady her Sir Lancelot shall return," then he rode off.
"Not too soon with any luck," Norris remarked and lifted Reet off the floor then leapt over the flames again, taking her to the waiting ambulance. "I'm going with her," he told the paramedic.
The paramedic nodded then frowned as Norris got inside. "Er... Do yer usually wear yer underpants on the outside?" he wondered as they drove to the hospital.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 44

A few days later and Reet was still in hospital at her own insistence. Anything to avoid having the cannabis cakes and not only had ordered her lines be given to Emily instead despite losing money so she could tell Norris she loved him. But also because how was she meant to show the cynics she was a true megastar if they keep giving her crap. After all, SHE was the boss of Ritanation Street, not them and she'd make sure they didn't forget it. She was content at the moment. Her immortality saving her life, and also giving her the perfect opportunity to act and show certain talentless members of the cast how it's done. She was on the phone. "Yes. Yer did excellently considering. Yes. It was very convincing. He actually believed the robbery was real and my life was in danger with both that and that glorious fire yer started. Don't worry. Ritaland Studios will continue to hire members of 'Crap Actors R Us' in the future. Anything to show the world how brilliantly talented and sexy I am compared to others who delude themselves that they are. Goodbye." She hung up and spotted Norris coming down the ward. "Hello, Norris," she smiled.
"How are you feeling today?" he asked as he sat.
"Better. Thank you for saving my life," she replied softly, putting her hand over his. "I don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you."
He blushed and cast his eyes down at the thoughts of gratitude running through his head. "Oh, it was nothing," he dismissed."
"It was not nothing," she told him. "It was very brave. By the way, who was that man in the armour? He reminded me of someone."
"There was no man," he lied. "So how could he remind you of anyone? It was a hallucination brought on by the smoke."
Reet frowned. "Who were yer fighting with then?"
"Fight?" he chuckled nervously. "Can you honestly see me fighting?"
"Well, never mind," she said, still sure she was right. "They're letting me go home today. At least," she turned the tears on, "if I have a home to go to."
"Yes," he looked down.
"Is it that bad?" she wondered.
"The shop's completely gutted," he told her sadly.
"And the flat?" she asked, fearing her secret diary may have been discovered.
"I haven't looked," he replied. "The fire brigade said the building is structurally unsafe so are advising people not to enter."
She sobbed theatrically. "What am I going to do, Norris? Why are they ruining my life like this? Getting me pregnant with any one of many being the father. Taking away all my beloved husbands. Now burning down my shop and trying to kill me because mine's one of the few businesses they hadn't got round to torching just to boost ratings!"
Norris put his other hand over hers in comfort. "Because they know you're a superb megastar who can carry this all convincingly. The ones fighting your corner know from past experience what you can do and how you bring their scripts to life. Even the most dire ones where the dialogue causes a nation of comatose viewers. You manage save that with just a brief appearance and a couple of brief lines."
"That's as maybe, but I'm tired. I need a long holiday. They're exhausting me with this excess. I think I'll quit."
"Don't be silly, Reet," he chided. "You'll never quit. You're adored too much and love being the centre of attention. You'd be bored out of your mind if you couldn't throw your weight around all the time."
"True," she conceded, forcing a smile. "But the fact remains my business is burned to the ground and I have nowhere to sleep."
"You can sleep with me," he offered. She glared, eyebrow raised. "I-I mean, at number 3. Emily works night. No idea what she's doing but I'll find out sooner or later. You can sleep in her bed since she's not using it. She won't mind." She smiled weakly. "Unless Emily's a vampire," Norris added.
Reet ignored that remark and paused for effect so he'd think she was considering the idea. "Okay. Thank you, Norris." She leaned forward and pecked him on the cheek, a twinkle in her eye. He touched his face where her hand had been.
"Oh, Reet," he gushed coyly.

Later that night, Norris helped Reet up the stairs before leaving her to don her baby doll nightie in private then helped her into the bed. She didn't miss his deliberate brush against her thigh as he pulled the covers over her, so let the strap fall. He swallowed hard at the sight of her bare shoulder and wanted to pounce on her but knew he had to be restrained.
"C-can I get you anything?" he stammered nervously.
"A drink of water, please," she replied softly.
"Right. Won't be a minute," he said then quickly left before embarrassing himself.
Reet smirked as she lowered the other strap while waiting for him. When he returned she could see he was still nervous since most of the water ended up on the carpet. She gently touched his hand as he placed the glass on the bedside table. "You're shaking," she said. "There's no need to be nervous. I'm don't feel up to yelling at yer at the moment."
He smiled weakly. "Then I look forward to you feeling better."
She pulled him down and he sat on the bed. "I'm very grateful to you, Norris," she breathed huskily, chest heaving. Norris tried not to look but couldn't stop himself peeping now and again. She touched his face. "I have terrible nightmares about the fire, Norris. I'm afraid to close me eyes. I keep seeing the flames and remembering how close I was to death. Oh, Norris," she threw her arms around him sobbing. "Don't leave me alone tonight, please." They broke apart. "I don't want to be on me own." She kissed him tenderly and he pushed her down, his long-held fantasies coming true as he finally was able to ravish her.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 45

The following morning Reet awoke to find Norris with his arm draped over her contours and a huge grin on his face. She closed her eyes remembering the events of the night before and felt violently ill. She grimaced as she removed his arm as though it were a dead rat, got up, dressed and went out. Norris stirred when the front door slammed shut.
"Reet?" he grappled for his glasses. "Reet?" He got out of bed and stopped by the window when he saw her on the street looking at the burnt out mess formerly known as The Kabin.

Meanwhile Reet had gone into the ruins of her shop, smiling at the thought of all that lovely insurance money. She carefully made her way through to the back then up what was left of the stairs. She relaxed when she saw the flat was merely smoke damaged and all her precious possessions were safe, including the all-important explosive diary.
"Reet?" she heard Norris call.
"Bugger it!" she cursed. "Up here!" she shouted, covering up the diary. "Flamin' little weasel!" she muttered, face like thunder which changed to a sweet smile when she saw him.
"I woke up and found you gone," he said.
"I'm sorry, Norris," she replied. "I just had to come over and check the damage."
"Well," he said as he surveyed the place, "it's not as bad as it might have been."
"No," she sniffed. "Still, we're moving anyway. It the memories, that's all. Great times and not so great ones. I'll be all right."
"Are you coming back over?" he asked hopefully.
"In a little while," she smiled.
"Okay," he said.
"Then we can pick up where we left off last night," she winked, trying to stop herself throwing up at the thought.
Norris beamed. "I'll look forward to that."
She watched him leave. "More than I will, peasant." When she was sure he wasn't coming back, she took out The Secret Diary of Rita Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley-Barlow-Battersby-Shuttleworth, aged who cares when you're still a man magnet even if that man is a moron? and wrote: The things I do to shut people up. I cannot believe I lowered myself and seduced Norris last night! Not a bad lover considering. But I do wish he'd taken his sodding tank top off. I was forever scratching. Either it's got fleas or he has from that flaming moggy. I dread to think the things he got up to with it. I can't believe either that I'm sleeping with another annoying, balding pillock. Gilroy was bad enough! I must be mad! Oh well. With luck my minion is hardly likely to back Audrey up now he's had his pervy way with me. Not as long as I allow him to put his sticky paws on my gorgeous body. Must keep Emily working the nightshift until I've got my new home or sorted Audrey out once and for all. Don't want ANYONE knowing about Norris. They'll start insinuating I'm desperate! Especially since I have my hunky mouseman back, and I don't want to go through all that humiliation of him dumping me in public again. Oh well, back to hell with Norris in a moment I suppose. Ooh, the sooner I fix Audrey and get back to normal yelling at and belting him the better! I know I'm the best actress in the entire universe - ever, but this is beginning to become such a strain. Not to mention ruining all my fun. Still, even if Audrey does get the police involved, they won't be able to prove anything. Not since I've had all my beloved hubbies cremated, thereby destroyed all forensics. After all, I'm an honest, law-abiding citizen who's just been unlucky, that's all. At least, that's what they'll believe once I've done my award-winning acting. My brilliance and extreme talent amazes me at times. Right, back to Norris. A sex goddess has gotta do what a sex goddess has gotta do, and I only hope I don't throw up all over him this time.

Over at the Barlows, Deirdre was getting more frustrated with Ken. "We can't go on like this," she was complaining while Ade painted her errant lovers' toenails. "We're running out of money."
Ken looked up. "We'll be okay. We always manage."
"Not this time we won't," she said firmly. "Especially not with you buying all that PVC and leather, as well as getting all those piercings."
"Chill, Deirdre," he replied. "Go and get a job then since you're moaning so much. I'm sure Reet will happily take you on. You can even work with Emily."
Deirdre was furious by that remark. "You'd have been disgusted at such a thought a few weeks ago. You've changed, Ken. So, since yer think it's such a great idea, why don't YOU get off yer fat backside and get Reet to take yer on as a rent boy!" she screamed then stormed out.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 46

A couple of days later and the new improved Kabin was opened back where it belonged in Rosamund Street. The café had also relocated so Reet could go back to stuffing her face with cream cakes after she'd threatened to seduce Roy if he didn't move and change the name back to Jim's Caff. As she lounged around in her new penthouse above the shop there was a knock at the door. "Come in," she commanded, expecting it to be Norris and really missed yelling at him. She was surprised to see Ken enter dressed like one of The Village People. She choked on her eclair. Ken minced over and gently hit her back. "Thanks," she croaked. "What yer dressed like that for?"
"Like it?" he asked then gave her a twirl.
"No words can express my thoughts," she said. "So, what do yer want?"
"Deirdre keeps banging on about a lack of dosh," he explained. Reet was surprised at such a transformation of his personality. "So she suggested I asked you to pimp me as a rent boy," he finished.
"A rent boy?" she tried not to laugh. "Why not? Get up to Salford. The others'll look after you."
"Oh, thanks, Reet," he beamed before skipping out.
"Bloody hell!" she said then burst out laughing.

Meanwhile downstairs, Audrey was talking to Norris. "We've got to do summat before she kills someone else."
"Who?" Norris frowned.
"Reet of course" she shrieked.
They both fell silent as Ken minced out. "See yer, honky tonks," he said before leaving. They looked at each other in shock.
"She murdered poor Archie," Audrey eventually said, getting back to what they were discussing. "Wouldn't surprise me if all of her other hubbies 'accidents' had summat to do with her an' all."
"But you've got no proof, Audrey," he sighed. "You can't just go around saying things like that. She might sue. It's slander."
"You did," she pointed out.
"That was different," Norris countered. "Richard was blatantly after Emily."
"It's not different," Audrey yelled. "He were after money just as much as Reet is."
"Audrey, they could have been accidents like she said," he reasoned.
"Oh, come off it, Norris," she snorted. "No one gets through that amount of husbands in such a short space of time unless there's summat fishy going on."
"I do know what you mean," he conceded. "But what would she have to gain?"
"Their money," she stressed. "We know she's been having affairs with others as well. Never married any of them and why? Because they're not worth much. And ask yerself why she was suddenly only interested in Les after he became loaded, huh?"
"I'm sorry, Audrey," he said. "I just don't believe it."
"Why?" she was aghast.
"We don't know how long she'd been seeing Les, any more than we know how long the other affairs had been going on," he explained, glad he was the only man in Reet's life now, or so he thought.
"But yer could find out," she suggested.
"She's hardly going to take me into her confidence, is she?" she asked.
"What's happened to yer, Norris, eh?" she wondered suspiciously. "Yer were all for having Richard hung, drawn and quartered. Yer wasted no time in backing me up then."
"I just don't believe Reet is capable of such a thing," he said. "She's such a gentle, kind, warm, loving woman. Not the evil, scheming, money-grabbing murdering bitch you're suggesting."
"Bought yer off, has she, huh?" Audrey sneered.
"Don't be ridiculous!" he snapped. "You know Reet wouldn't part with any of her money either. Give it up, Audrey, before Reet sues you."
"Looks like I'm not going to get any help from you," she said disappointedly. "She's bought yer in some way, I'm sure of that. So that makes me all the more determined to get her locked up for Archie's death if not the others too!" She flounced out slamming the door behind her making the jars of sweets fall off the shelves.
"Bloody prop department!" he said then remembered Audrey and sighed.

Later that evening and Reet decided to take the glass superglued to her hand for a much needed refill. As she walked through the doors of the pub, she stopped dead when she spotted a blonde woman clad in leopard-skin at the bar with her back to her. "Bet?"

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 47

The blonde woman turned around. "Ken!" Reet shrieked in shock. "I thought my nightmare had come true and Bet had somehow managed to sneak back despite the viewers protests and would send the ratings into freefall."
"No. It's me," he smiled. "Like it? I always thought I'd look terrific as Bet. So I looked around wardrobe and dug some of her old clobber out."
"Yer forgot to shave off yer moustache," she pointed out.
"So does she," he chuckled. "And I did want to look as authentic as possible."
"Ken-" she began.
"Uh-uh," he interrupted, wagging a perfectly manicured finger complete with false nail. "Bet."
"But Bet's a has-been!" she yelled. "And so will you be if yer carry on like this."
He thought. "Okay. Lily then. Pretty much the same thing."
Reet closed her eyes. "All right," she sighed heavily. "Lily it is. But why now?"
"This is the real me," Ken proudly told her. "Beneath that dull, boring, educated exterior there was always a drag queen waiting to burst out. Just like the drug culture in this street being around for decades."
"Oh, come off it," Reet snorted. "Next you'll be telling me Albert Tatlock was on speed, Ena Sharples was a heroin addict, Minnie Caldwell was on acid and Annie Walker snorted cocaine up her stuck-up nose using only 50 pound notes!"
"It's possible," he replied honestly. "You know as well as I do how much they alter our histories to suit themselves. For instance, did you know Hilda Ogden used to be a strippergram?"
Reet shook her head in disbelief. "It's lunacy."
"Yeah, but it gets the ratings up," he said.
"I get the ratings up and no one else!" she yelled. "Least of all those jokes who call themselves writers! Oh, I'm going to get a drink." She went along to the bar. "Usual, Fred," she ordered, waving the empty glass.
"Reet," she heard a voice and turned round to see Linda sitting in the booth behind her.
"Oh, hello, Linda," she replied. "I heard yer were back but have had such a hectic schedule I've not had time to watch any episodes at all for ages."
"Yeah, I heard yer'd been busy," Linda remarked. "Why don't yer bring yer drink over here?"
Reet smiled. "Okay." She got Ken to pay then joined Linda.
"I hear yer've been married a few times since I left," Linda said. Reet nodded. "And they all died," Linda added.
"Yes," Reet sniffed. "I have a proposition for yer," Linda said. "I want to meet up tomorrow to discuss it.
"Oh aye?" Reet raised an eyebrow.
"It'll be worth both our whiles," Linda told her mysteriously. "But it can't be round here. Know a place in Yorkshire called Emmerdale?"
"Vaguely," Reet replied.
"Be there at 11 in the morning," Linda ordered.
"But they still haven't given me back my car!" Reet protested. "How am I meant to get there?"
"Go by train," Linda suggested much to Reet's chagrin. "Bus. Anything. Just be there. I promise yer won't regret it."
With that she left, leaving Reet angry a slip of a girl was bossing her about, while intrigued by the proposition. She spotted Norris's balding head by the door. "Oh bugger!" she mumbled then downed her drink fast.
"Ah, Reet," he said. "I've been looking everywhere for you."
"Well I'm just off home, Norris," she said getting up and pushing past him.
He followed her like a dog on heat which pleased her in some ways because it was further proof of what she already knew about being irresistible to the opposite sex. But hacked her off in others because she had plans and he wasn't going to ruin them.
"What do yer want?" she snapped.
"You," he drooled at the thought of her.
"Not tonight, Norris. I've got a headache," she said.
"I know a cure for that," he winked suggestively.
"I doubt it," she replied flatly. "I'm going to have an early night ALONE." His face fell. "Maybe tomorrow if I'm back in time."
"Back?" he asked. "Not yet another unexplained absence?"
"Of course not, peasant!" she barked, then clutched her head as if she was in pain. "I have a meeting. Now clear off and make me lots of money while I'm gone." She walked off and bumped into Jason around the corner.
"Sorry, Mrs Shuttleworth," he said.
"Don't be," she smiled. "On yer way back from a hot date?"
He shook his head. "I haven't been getting any for months. They give all that to Todd since he's in with one of the writers," he told her bitterly.
"A good-looking young man like you? What a shame," she said as her eyes twinkled.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 48

The following morning and Reet let Jason out before Norris arrived. She looked at her reflection in the mirror as she got ready to meet Linda. "Who needs to be a talentless youngster getting yer kit off at every opportunity to divert attention for yer crap acting when yer as gorgeous and sexy as I am?" she smiled. She slipped out while Norris was looking for the till which she'd hidden and got in the car she'd demanded the production team gave her or they'd all be sacked and would never work again. She drove to Emmerdale but arrived a bit early so decided to have a wander around the village. She spotted a man with his shirt open practically to his naval wearing something around his neck. "He looks rich," she said to herself. "Certainly fancies himself anyroad. Perhaps I should start hunting hubbies elsewhere. Another in Weatherfield might get a bit sticky at the moment." She went over and perused the merchandise.
"Oh, hello," the man beamed. "May I help you?"
"I'm just looking while I'm waiting for a friend," she told him.
"Male?" he asked.
"Female," she said. "Well, not a friend as such. We can't stand the sight of each other really."
"I see," he said, thinking he might be on a promise here. "I'm Rodney Blackstock. This is my business."
"Reet Shuttleworth. Yer must be pretty rich with all these antiques. I understand it's a very profitable line of work," she said raising a hopeful eyebrow.
"Not so's you'd notice," he replied and her heart sank. "But I'm getting there. Just not much call for antiques around here. Not unless you're after a Betty Eagleton or an Edna Birch."
"It's very quiet," she said changing the subject since his lack of money had left a terrible taste in her mouth. "Is it always like this?"
"No," he told her. "But our local multi-millionaire died recently so everyone's been having a non-stop party ever since the news was broken."
Damn, she thought. If only I'd come here sooner I'd have snared him and could've boosted my bank balance with no Audrey pestering me if I'd lived here for a while. "Old, were he?"
"No. Only 39," Rodney said.
"Reet!" they heard and looked round.
"That's the person you've been waiting for I presume," he said.
Reet nodded. "Better go. Nice meeting yer, Rodney."
"You too," he said then kissed her hand before watching her walk towards the brunette.
"I knew yer'd come," Linda said confidently. "Let's go to the cricket pavilion. We can talk privately there." "
Why the cricket pavilion?" Reet wondered.
"Because that's where all secret meetings take place," Linda explained. "Yer didn't think they actually used it for cricket, did you?" She laughed as she led the way.

Back in Weatherfield, Ken finally got up after a night on the razzle down Canal Street. "There you go," he said, slapping a wad of cash on the table.
Deirdre slowly picked it and counted it. "Where did yer get this?" she asked warily.
"By doing what you suggested and becoming a rent boy," he told her. "That's what's left after paying Reet her protection money. Now, have you seen my eyeshadow?"

At the cricket pavilion in Emmerdale, Linda was telling Reet what she had in mind. "I want yer to marry Mike, have him die in one of yer famous 'accidents' then we split what he's left in his will."
"I beg your pardon?" she was aghast.
"Yer've done it before," Linda stated. "All them rich, DEAD husbands. Yer a natural to do this."
"I marry for love!" Reet snapped. "I'm not a money-grabber, yer know!"
"So yer say," Linda said. "But if it were anyone else it would just been seen as a run of bad luck. Still, no doubt all yer many lovers give yer comfort. I'd never have thought you of all people would have no elastic in their knickers."
"How dare you!" Reet yelled. "I'm not staying to listen to any more of this. You want Mike dead, do it yerself!" She walked off.
"Then since yer say yer've nowt to hide, yer won't mind the police reading yer diary, will yer?" Linda shouted making Reet stop dead in her tracks. She slowly turned around and walked back. "Oh, I know all about that," Linda gloated. "Saw it on t'telly. So, yer gonna do what I ask? Or do I ring the police and tell them where it's hidden?"

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 49

Reet had to sit down, unused to anyone having her over a barrel. Though wouldn't mind if her Ash did - literally. She drifted off then briefly at thoughts of Kev filling her on his bonnet, as the song she'd heard in the Rovers went and allowed herself a little smile.
"Well?" Linda pressed impatiently. "What's yer answer?"
"Am I allowed to at least think about it?" Reet barked, brought back to reality. "I'm not used to being threatened and bullied."
"No," Linda noted. "How does it feel to be on the receiving end for a change?"
"How do yer think??" Reet snapped, really hating this woman.
"Don't worry about it," Linda tried assuring. "Mike treated me like crap and owes me big time. Once I've got what he did me out of, I'll most likely retire from acting again."
"I'd never even considering snaring Mike," Reet said. "I don't think he even fancies me. Never showed any leanings that way anyroad in all these years. So, how were yer thinking of splitting the cash?"
"Fifty-fifty," Linda replied.
"You ARE joking!" Reet snorted. "I've got to snare him, wed him and sleep with him before his death."
"Mike's not all that hot in bed," Linda told her. "So yer have my sympathies. But it's straight down the middle or I make a quick call to the police."
"Looks like I've got no choice," Reet said bitterly.
"Not if yer want to keep getting richer," Linda stated.
"It'll take time," Reet said.
"Not too long or yer'll be getting a visit from PC Plod," Linda warned.
"Look," Reet snapped. "Yer can't rush these things. It'll look suspicious. I've got a lot of planning to do to reel him in."
"No more than a couple of weeks," Linda demanded. "Three at t'most. Or it's bye-bye freedom and all yer millions."
Reet's outburst was saved by a local appearing.
"Hey, Tina!" he called. Both Reet and Linda looked around but saw no one else. "Tina. It's me. Sam. Want some eggs?" he went on.
"Do yer mind?" Linda barked. "We're trying to have a private conversation here. Sod off!"
"But, Tina-" he said.
"I'm not this flamin' Tina!" Linda interrupted. "Oh, I'm going. I know yer won't let me down, Reet."
Reet shook her head and stayed considering her options for a while after Linda had gone before heading back to the car and driving to Weatherfield.

Just after 2pm, Reet arrived back after driving around as she planned on how to get Mike into her perfectly manicured clutches, determined to use her car as much as possible before they snatched it away again.
"You're back," Norris said cheerfully.
"Do yer have to keep stating the flamin' obvious?" she yelled.
"Meeting not go too well?" he asked.
"Does it look like it did?" she replied firmly.
"Well, I'll gladly cheer you up," he suggested then went across and touched her arms.
She slapped his hands away. "Keep yer flamin' paws to yerself, or I'll chop 'em off!" she barked.
He was taken aback by her reaction. "Reet..."
"Oh, shurrup, peasant!" she snapped.
"I can give you comfort. You've obviously had a bad morning. I have just what you need to take your mind off it," he offered.
"You've got nowt I want, moron," she said. "And thanks to yer pawing me, you've just made me day a hundred times worse. Now get back to work, make me loads of money to cheer me up and mop up that drool or I'll set Barbara on yer. Savvy, pillock?"
He nodded solemnly, reasoning it was either the time of the month, despite her being well past all that, or the meeting making her reject him. Still, he thought, with all this violence it shows she still cares about me.
"Good," she added before hitting him hard on the back of the head as she barged past and went up to her flat. She slammed the door and leant back against it. "Now that flamin' Linda is on me back! How have I come to this?" She went to the phone and dialled. "Ken, get yer backside over here pronto. I've got a job for yer."

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 50

Ken sashayed into the shop wearing a blue sequin leopard-skin full-length dress complete with feather boa making Norris drop the pear drops in shock.
"Afternoon, Ken," he eventually got out. "What can I do for you?"
"Nothing," Ken replied. "Reet commanded an audience with me."
Norris pulled a face. "Oh. Go on through then. But be careful. She's not in the best of moods."
"So I gathered by the way she summoned me," Ken said, fluttering his false eyelashes. He went past wiggling his bottom.
As Norris returned to his pear drops shaking his head in disbelief the door opened as if by magic and the mysterious man on the horse clip-clopped in. "Oh, it's you again," he remarked flatly as the man dismounted.
"I'm here to see my Lady Guinevere," the man told him through his helmet.
"Her name's Reet and she's busy so you can't," Norris gloated hoping this interloper would disappear at those words.
"Then I shall wait until she is able to see me," the man told him making Norris scowl.

Upstairs Reet had let Ken in. "Do be quick, duckie," Ken was saying. "I'm performing at the Orinocco in ten minutes."
"The Orinocco? Where I used to work?" she asked surprised since it had closed down years ago.
"The very same, dearie," he replied. "Only it's called the Orinocco Womble now, and is Weatherfield's first and finest gay club. I go down a storm. Perhaps you should make a comeback there. Past it singers like you are very welcome. Pay's good too. You could get £5,000 a night."
"Hmm," she said, thinking of the easy cash just for giving her vocal chords a battering. "I'll think about that and may do it if the writers give me some free time. But first, I have a proposition to put to yer."
"If it involves turkey basters, forget it, duckie," he said in horror.
"Nowt like that!" she snapped, shuddering at the thought. "Turkey basters indeed. Do I look like I can't get a fella for things like that? Now, shurrup and listen. What I propose is this..."

Five minutes later and Reet was seeing Ken out down in the shop. "Good luck."
"I won't need it, dearie," he assured. "It'll be my pleasure. Ta-ta." He swept out and she closed the door after him and made to go back to the flat.
"Reet," Norris said as he barred her way.
"Not now, Norris!" she barked. "I've told yer once already today. What do I have to do before yer get it into that thick, bald head of yours? Now shift before I do summat yer'll regret but I'll thoroughly enjoy. And get that flamin' horse out of me shop!"
"But, that's what I wanted to talk to you about," he said, deep down wishing she'd belt him since it would mean at least was paying him some attention. "You've got a visitor."
"What visitor?" she frowned, totally irritated.
"My Lady Guinevere," she heard and looked round.
"Ted!" she breathed joyfully. "Oh, Ted!" She ran over and threw her arms around him. "Ow!"
He removed his armour. "Sorry."
"Oh, Ted," she was on the brink of tears. "I thought they'd written yer out again without having the decency to tell me."
"No chance," he smiled. "They just thought of a storyline then I disappeared because they hadn't worked it out properly and didn't know what to do with me.
"Nowt new there," she stated. "Looks like I'm have to have words AGAIN! Oh, Ted..." They snogged passionately making Norris feel uncomfortable. "Come on upstairs, love. We have a LOT of catching up to do."
Norris noticed her wink then Ted knowingly smile and got pangs of jealousy. "But, Reet-"
"Oh, shurrup with yer pestering, peasant!" she barked and hit him with the jar of pear drops. "I'll deal with you later. Right now I have far more important things to do with my perfect gentleman." She took Ted's hand and led him upstairs.
Norris felt sad that she appeared to be dumping him. He thought about what Audrey had been saying and decided, if he had been dumped or was being used, he would back up her claims. Trouble was, he'd have to wait to confront Reet so would have to learn patience.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 51

A couple of days later Reet finally appeared.
"Ah, good," Norris smiled. "You've come back to work."
"Work?!" she gasped. "Sod that. I just came down to tell yer I'm far too busy with me lovely Ted. So yer'll just have to manage on yer own a while longer."
"Ted's going to be a permanent fixture then?" he asked trying not to show his jealousy.
"Yer damn right he is," she beamed. "I intend to keep him around as long as possible, even if that means I'll have to fight the writers who have other ideas on how to wreck my life. It's high time they remembered this is MY programme, made for MY viewers and not theirs, made to boost their over-inflated egos. Course, I can't marry Ted again since he was killed off. But I intend to enjoy him as long as I can anyway."
"What about us?" he wondered sadly.
"Us?" she raised an eyebrow ready to give him a mouthful, then remembered why she'd seduced him in the first place. "Ah, yes. Don't worry, Norris. Ted and me aren't actually DOING anything. He's dead, remember? Normal service will be resumed in a week-or-so, depending on when he disappears for months again without my knowledge. Promise." She pecked him on the cheek, imagining it was Ted and he smiled. "Happy? Good. Now, where did I put that whipped cream?"
His eyes widened at that remark but she'd returned to the flat before he was able to comment.

Upstairs, Ted embraced Reet as soon as she walked through the door. "Boy," she said, catching her breath. "Yer always remind me of what I missed since yer would only sign a 7-month contract."
"I'm truly sorry about that," he replied. "I get itchy feet so never stay anywhere long. Also I already had a theatre part lined up. It was nowt personal."
"I know," she beamed. "It were a shame. Yer were the only fella I truly loved. As well as the only one to treat me in the manner I deserved."
"Let's go back to bed," he suggested. She nodded eagerly. "By the way," he added as she led him to the bedroom. "I found the whipped cream." Her eyes twinkled and she grinned as he shook the can.

That evening she left Ted sleeping to get his strength back and slipped out. She stopped at the phone box on the corner and dialled. "It's me. I KNOW! Just make sure yer don't let ME down, so be there." She hung up and went across the road to the Rovers. She spotted her prey alone at the bar and made a beeline for him. "Evening, Mike," she beamed.
"Oh, hello, Reet," he greeted. "Wotcha having?"
"That's very kind of yer, Mike," she smiled. "I'll have a triple vodka and tonic."
He stared for a moment. "You heard the lady," Mike told Shelley. "So, how are things with you?"
"Fine," she replied and downed the drink as soon as it arrived.
"One of them days?" he asked.
"Yer could say that," she said.
"Uh-oh," he muttered.
"What?" she followed his gaze and spotted Linda.
"What can't she just disappear again?" he wondered bitterly. "What did she have to come back for?"
"Search me," Reet shrugged. "The writer's obviously thought you needed summat to do and, as they couldn't think of owt new, decided to rehash their old scripts."
"Wouldn't surprise me," Mike conceded. "But she's a nasty piece of work,"
Reet went on. "Had a go at me t'other day and I'd done nowt."
"That's Linda," he remarked, remembering his time with her since the writers allowed it for once. "All you have to do is breath and she starts slagging you off. I'm going."
"Don't blame yer," Reet said. "Mind if I come with yer?"
"Sure," he told her as he looked daggers at his ex-wife. "I'll enjoy the pleasure of your company."
Not for long, Reet thought, still working out how to trap him but this was progress. "Where we going? Flying Horse?"
He nodded. "As good a place as any."
"Great," she smiled, glad he wasn't going to escape her tonight.
"Oh, hang on. Just got to make a quick call. Babysitter. Do yer mind?"
"Not at all," he replied.
"Shan't be a moment," she smiled sweetly then went to the phone. "Flying Horse," she said quietly. "Yer know what to do? Excellent. See yer there." She hung up and returned to Mike. "Shall we go?" He crooked his arm which she took and she gave Linda a knowing glance on the way out.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 52

The following afternoon Ken arrived at the shop. "Afternoon, Norris. Reet in?"
"She doesn't want to be disturbed," he intoned nasally.
"She'll see me," Ken said confidently.
"I very much doubt that," Norris sniffed.
Ken opened his handbag and took out his mobile. "Oh dear," he said looking blankly. "Do you have a pen I could borrow to dial the number? Only I don't want to damage my beautiful nails. Ade did them. Do you like them?"
Norris reluctantly handed one over, trying to ignore the talons shoved in his face. "I'm telling you. She won't see you."
"So you keep saying," Ken sighed. "Ah, Reet, dahling. I'm downstairs. Right. Would you kindly repeat that for Norris?" He held the phone to Norris's ear. "Well, duckie?"
"She's hung up and ordered me to let you go up," Norris replied flatly.
"Told yer. See yer, honky tonk."
"By the way," Norris said. "You've got lipstick on your teeth." Ken panicked and quickly got his compact out to check but saw nothing. He scowled at a chuckling Norris and went up.

Shortly after Ken left blowing Norris a kiss on his way out, Reet appeared. "I'm going out," she announced.
"Again?" Norris asked. "You're never around these days. Anyone would think you were avoiding me."
She cursed inwardly. "Of course I'm not," she lied. "I'm just very busy.
"With Ted," he remarked bitterly as he fiddled with his pen. "Why do I get the feeling you ARE avoiding me?"
"I'm not!" she screeched. "I've got a lot of my mind at the moment. We'll talk about it when I get back. Now I really must go, or I'll be late for my meeting."
"Another mysterious meeting," he noted.
"Oh, shurrup, peasant!" she barked. "I'm trying to sort out some new business that makes me even richer. I'll talk to yer LATER!" Then she swept out, leaving Norris forlorn.

Later that night, Mike was alone in his flat ready for bed when the doorbell went. He answered it. "How the hell did you get up here?" he yelled.
"Yer know me, Mike," Linda smiled. "I have me ways. Ta. I'd love to come in." She pushed past and made herself comfortable.
"Get outta my flat!" he ordered.
"I'll go when I'm good and ready," she stated. "We need to have a little chat first."
"I've got nothing to say to you," he said.
"Then why are all them words coming out of yer mouth?" she asked. He squinted, unsure how to respond to that.
"All right. But keep it short." Linda lounged back.
"Enjoy yerself last night?"
"Now what are you on about? I always said you were mad," he snapped.
"Must've been to marry you when I could've had yer gorgeous son," Linda replied. "That woman yer picked up last night," she went on, reaching into her handbag and taking out some photos. "Or should I say, BLOKE yer picked up last night."
He grabbed the photos and Linda smirked. The colour drained from his face.
"You can keep them," she told him smugly. "I can always make more copies."
"Ken?" he gasped.
She nodded. "I had no idea yer were that way inclined, Mike. Perhaps that'd explain why yer so lousy in bed."
"Ken?" he repeated in shock. "You set me up!"
"Ken were only too willing to help," Linda explained. "Apparently, he's been after getting yer in the sack since yer appeared in 1976. And the only reason he hated yer so much after yer slept with Deirdre and married Susan were because he always thought you were shagging the wrong Barlow."
"What do you what?" he asked, trying not to kill her.
"What yer owe me," she said as she stood. "After all, I'm sure yer mates down the golf club would love to see these. Might even have flyers printed and shove them through every letterbox in Weatherfield. I'll be in touch. Goodnight and pleasant dreams."

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 53

A few days later, Reet and Linda were having another meeting in the village of Emmerdale.
"Is he going to pay?" Reet asked.
"What do you think?" Linda snorted. "He's as tight as you."
"No one's as tight as me!" Reet challenged proudly. "So, what did he say next time yer saw him?"
"I haven't," Linda replied. "I hoped you might have."
Reet shook her head. "I've been on yet another unexplained absence so haven't seen anyone."
"You'll have to talk to him," Linda ordered. "Find out what's going on. Get him into yer confidence. Seduce him if necessary."
Reet curled her lip at that thought. "Well, he's around my height which makes a change. No bad neck from snogging. Unlike some of the ones they've landed me with down the decades. I got terrible whiplash at times when they made it passionate." She drifted off for a moment. "Except that flamin' Gilroy. What did they do that to me for?? But I won't go into that or I'll be here for centuries." She looked again at Linda. "Trouble is, does Mike get turned on by cellulite? Or does he only go for pre-gravity bimbos?"
"I dunno what he goes for these days," Linda shrugged. "Maybe yer'll have to get him pissed first if yer want to get him into bed."
"Oh, marvellous(!)" Reet said flatly. "He'll be the first then since no man can resist me."
"Well, yer'll have to see how it goes," Linda said. "Yer'll have to massage his ego for a start if yer want to get anywhere. He likes that."
"I'll massage owt if it gets it over with quickly," Reet replied.
"Yer'll have no problem there," Linda assured. "Trust me. Good luck. See yer."
"Bye," Reet said defeated, then watched Linda drive off.
"Hello again," she heard. "Oh, hello, er..." she said.
"Rodney Blackstock," he reminded. "
That's right," she smiled sweetly.
"I didn't expect to see you again," he said.
"I was meeting someone to discuss investing in my future," she told him.
Rodney's mind when into overdrive. "You're interested in investments?"
"Er..." she cautiously began.
"Yes. But I'm very fussy about what happens to my money."
"I'm looking for a partner," he announced.
"Oh, aye?" she raised an eyebrow.
"Do you have some free time at the moment?" he asked.
"Plenty," she breathed. "Great," he beamed.
"I'll take you there and let you make up your own mind."
"Take me where?" she frowned.
"Gately Mill," he said and her face fell. "I bought it for a million and am hoping to sell it for double."
"Ah," she smiled at the thought of all that money, even if it was peanuts compared to what she was used to. "What are we waiting for then? Hop in."
Rodney gave directions as Reet drove. When they arrived Reet was very disappointed when she clapped eyes on the dilapidated building.
"This it?" "Yep," he grinned. "If that Eric Pollard ever stops trying to double-cross me and comes up with the planning permission, I can flog this for a nice, healthy profit," he lied, hoping he didn't come across as desperate for the money since there was no planning permission.
"So, you DO have loads of money," Reet said hopefully.
"I wish," he replied sadly. "Up to my eyes in debt. Had to sell my soul to the devil just to scrape together the 10% deposit. And that greedy shark Pollard is loving every minute of seeing me squirm."
Reet's face fell. "What happens if you don't get the planning permission and this Eric ruins yer?"
"I'd rather not think about that," he squinted.
"Well, thanks for showing me this. Good luck," she said airily.
"Er..." he began. "I was wondering if you might consider investing. I can easily fix Eric. And property is always a solid investment with a quick return."
"I don't think so," she said. "I need a guaranteed quick return on me funds. I can't wait on the off chance you get yer planning permission. I'd lose a fortune and I'm very attached to me cash. See yer."
"Will I be seeing you again?" he wondered.
"Who knows?" she shrugged. "We're not supposed to know each other's soaps exist. Stupid really, keeping us all cocooned like that. But me and me mate have decided to stick two perfectly manicured fingers up to the network. After all, there's a lot of scope in crossovers. Bye now."

Reet arrived back at The Kabin.
"Can we talk now?" Norris asked.
"No, we can't, peasant!" she snapped. "Now get out of me way."
"So you WERE using me," he noted sadly. "I thought it was a bit funny that as soon as Audrey started accusing you of murdering Archie, you suddenly showed an interest in me. Obviously it was purely to allay my own suspicions since you couldn't use your charms on her."
"Now what are yer on about?" she demanded, trying not to show she was rattled the little weasel had twigged.
"I think you know only too well what I'm on about, Reet," he said smugly.
"Well don't think," she barked. "It'll only make yer balding head hurt." She pushed him out the way and went upstairs. In the flat she checked Kabincam and turned up the sound. She was too mean to install CCTV but had no problems getting a microcamera to spy on her minion. She saw Norris was on the phone and realised she'd have to get that tapped as well and nearly collapsed at the thought of spending more money.
"H-hello, Audrey? It's Norris. Yes. You can count me in. Reet has to be stopped. Yes. I have my reasons for changing my mind. And if it also leads to me getting custody of my daughter, I'll help you every step of the way. I don't want her growing up under Reet's influence. What? Okay. Rovers, 8 o'clock. Bye."
Reet hit the wall in anger and downed a magnum-sized bottle of vodka in seconds. "Flamin' little weasel! How dare he turn against me like that! And all because I resisted his pervy advances. If he thinks he's getting my other baby, he's got another think coming. I'm going to have words with those so-called writers for giving him dialogue like that. Ritanation Street does NOT need yet another tedious custody battle! I'll sack the flamin' lot of 'em and send them to write for the flamin' Tellytubbies if they don't start obeying me! Haven't I got enough on my mind already, what with juggling the rampant Ted, all my lovers, keeping my babies happy, making loads of profit, getting enough vodka to keep me alive, trying to trap Baldwin to get Linda off my back and not lose all my lovely cash without the peasant causing trouble? Right. I'm just going to have to fix him once and for all. And my only regret it I didn't do it this way to begin with then he wouldn't be a thorn in my gorgeous side."

Half an hour later Reet slinked back down. Norris's eyes nearly popped out when he saw her. "Brought yer a peace offering," she breathed, placing the cup of tea on the counter and leaning forward provocatively.
"Thanks," he croaked. "You're wearing the brown dress."
"I had to hunt high and low for it through wardrobe," she replied, leaning forward more. "Didn't know if they still had it or had cut it up for cleaning rags. Wasn't even sure I could still get into it after all these decades. It's amazing what artistic licence and yards of elastic can achieve. Like it?" He nodded. "Thought yer would," she smiled coyly and watched him drink the tea.
"By the way, seen Mike around lately?"
"Not for days," he said, shaking his head, eyes firmly fixed on the lacy bit of her bra peeking out.
"I wonder if he's all right?" she said. "Would yer mind if I popped out for a few hours?"
"Not at all, Reet," he said as he finished his tea. "Take as long as you like. I'll hold the fort."
"Thanks, Norris," she beamed, grabbed her shiny mac and swept out pleased with herself. She drove to Weatherfield Quays, since she'd started threatening the writers with the Tellytubbies if they didn't let her keep the car and upgrade to a Porsche, paid for after a whip-round, and rang the bell.
"Hello?" she heard him weakly say.
"Mike? It's Reet. I'm worried about yer. Can I come in?" The door opened and she went up.
"Come in," he said.
"Thanks," she replied.
"Are yer okay? I heard you'd not been seen for a few days."
"Had a visit from Linda," he told her angrily. "I'm trying to avoid her or I'll end up killing the bitch."
"Oh dear," she tried being sympathetic. "Was she that bad?"
"You have no idea," he said.
"When did yer last eat?" she asked.
"Dunno," he shrugged.
"I'll cook yer summat," she offered and headed for the kitchen.
"Don't bother," he told her firmly. "I ain't hungry."
"Mike, yer can't let her win, no matter what it is she's get yer so angry about," she chided firmly, noticing her brilliant acting was sucking him in. "She'd be delighted to see yer like this. Don't worry. I won't poison yer. Just relax. Go and have a shave and it'll be ready for when yer come back."
He put his whisky down, nodded and went to the bathroom while Reet began to prepare for the ordeal ahead.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 54

Later that night, Norris was in the Rovers.
"Coo-ee, Norris! Over here, lovey," Audrey called.
He took his orange juice over. "Oh, evening, Audrey."
"Sit down," she said. "We can talk privately in the packed pub, safe in the knowledge no one will overhear us no matter how loudly we talk or how close they are to us."
He sat nervously. "Talk about what privately?"
"Stopping Reet!" she shrieked, no one batting an eyelid.
"I don't understand," he replied.
"Yer said yer'd help me," she explained,. "We both know she murdered poor Archie for his money. All the others before him too I shouldn't wonder."
"I do really wish you'd leave me out of these ridiculous claims of yours, Audrey," he told her firmly. "I'll never believe what you say about Reet is true so stop saying I do." With that he got up and walked away, leaving Audrey baffled by his sudden change in attitude.

Over at Weatherfield Quays, Reet was still keeping Mike company.
"I don't know why I never realised before," he was saying after their delicious meal.
"Slow on the uptake?" she raised an eyebrow. "It happens when yer get to our time of life. Brain goes. Being a Cockney already gives yer a disadvantage."
"I love you, Reet," he declared, not hearing a word she said. "Marry me."
"Why Mike," she replied, glad to be getting another chance to show she could act. "This is all so sudden."
"We've wasted so much time," he told her, clutching her hands to his chest. "Let's not waste any more."
"I don't know what to say," she lied, glad things were going to plan and would lead to getting shot of Linda.
"Don't you love me?" he asked, looking like a lost little boy. "I mean, I would understand if you don't. Especially since you only cremated your last husband a few days ago."
"I know I did," she replied, pretending to be sad and allowing a perfectly controlled tear to roll down her cheek.
"And he's not the only one lately," Mike observed tactlessly.
"I only want to be happy," she told him, glad he was holding her hands or she'd have belted him for that remark and blown her millions. "But the bastards keep killing them off," she went on, knowing full well she wrestles for control of her own life from those idiot writers every day and she was the one killing them off to show them who was boss and increase her bank balance. "They don't know what to do with me these days. Haven't for years. Hence flamin' Gilroy and Anthony flippin' Stephens! So they recycle everything and keep giving me crap knowing I'm worth much more than that and afraid I'll take the accolades and spotlight away from the talentless youngsters. Also, in soaps these days, grief's over as soon as the funeral tea is." She smiled sweetly, thinking of how gullible he was to be taken in by all this rubbish. "Course I love yer, Mike. Who wouldn't? Yer the loveable cheeky cockney ladykiller. EastEnders have been trying to poach yer since they started. I'm confused, that's all."
"What about?" he squinted, letting her hands go.
"Why the sudden interest?" she asked. "In the 27 years you've been here, you've never once even chatted me up. Yet now all of a sudden yer madly in love with me and want us to get wed."
"I can't explain it," he said. That's a relief, she thought. "All I know is I love you more than life itself," he continued with feeling. "I'd die for you, Reet."
She beamed at those remarks. "Oh, Mike," she breathed heavily. "In that case, how I can I refuse? Yes. I'll be only too willing to marry yer."
He grinned and they snogged. "Let's go and celebrate," he suggested when they came up for air.
"Let's," Reet grinned, the clock in her head starting the countdown to her next inheritance.

It was half an hour from closing time in the Rovers when Reet and Mike burst through the doors, arms around each other. Reet noticed Linda with Janice in the corner.
"Champagne all round," Mike told Fred.
"Some sort of celebration?" Fred asked as Shelley got the drinks.
"Yes," Mike grinned. "Me and Reet are getting married!"
Linda smirked and everyone congratulated the happy couple.
"NO!" they heard and everyone turned to see Audrey. "You've made yer last mistake, Reet. There's no way I'll allow yer to become the 5th Mrs Baldwin so yer can murder him for his money an' all. I'll stop yer somehow. Even if it's the last thing I ever do," she warned then stormed out.
"What were all that about?" Fred asked.
"Search me," Reet shrugged. "More insane ramblings. I always thought Richard wouldn't have been able to do such a great job on her if she hadn't been losing her marbles to start with. Cheers." She raised the glass subtley to Linda and they both smiled.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 55

The following day, Reet and Linda were back at the cricket pavilion in Emmerdale.
"I must congratulate yer," Linda said. "That were fast work. How did yer do it?"
"State secret," Reet replied, tapping her nose. "If I told yer, I'd have to kill yer. Then you'd not get a penny." Now why didn't I think of that before and save me all this hassle? she thought. "What did you do to turn Mike into a hermit?"
"Showed him them photos like we agreed," she said. "Then told him I'd send copies to everyone he knows if he didn't cough up."
"What are yer blackmailing him for?" Reet asked.
"Fun," Linda stated. "Owt to get his blood pressure up in't gonna do yer short-lived marriage much harm, is it?"
"Put like that, no," Reet told her.
"And I'm sure, despite what yer did to him, he'll relish the chance to prove he a real man and not interested in Ken. Even if that real man's not up to much," Linda went on. "So, how yer gonna do it?"
"Yer don't honestly expect me to tell yer that," Reet shrieked.
"Just thought I'd ask," Linda dismissed as she rolled a cigarette. "When's the wedding?"
"Dunno," Reet shrugged looking blank. "Two weeks at the earliest, I suppose.
"Oh, no," Linda shook her head. "Has to be quicker than that. We've got a deal, remember? And I'm not hanging around here too long waiting for yer to keep your part of it."
"I remember," Reet replied bitterly, as glad to see Linda gone as Mike would be. "But there's nowt I can do about it. I'm off cruising for two weeks. Today's my last scenes before my much-deserved rest."
"Cancel it," Linda ordered.
"I can't do that!" Reet wailed. "It's in me contract. Everyone knows I'm only in 50 episodes a year with the rest off. That's set in stone. Any more and they'd have to pay me more, which my flamin' accountants refuse to do even though I pay THEIR wages!"
"All right," Linda reluctantly agreed. "While yer off yet again, I'll have another crack at Mike to help push him towards a fatal heart attack. What about Audrey in the pub last night?"
"Don't yer worry about Audrey," Reet replied confidently. "The wheels are in motion. She won't cause trouble. I'll make sure of it." They strolled back to their cars.
"See yer in two weeks then," Linda said as she got into hers then zoomed off.
Reet chuckled when she read the bumper sticker: 'Caution: 0-Bitch in 2.5 Seconds!' and decided to get one for her Porsche. She looked around the quiet village and went to the Woolpack for a much-needed top up before her holiday. "Large vodka and tonic," she said.
"Hello again," she heard Rodney say. "I'll get that, Diane."
Reet beamed, always happy when she didn't have to put her hand in her pocket. "Thanks."
"Don't let that fake charm fool yer," Diane said to Reet, noticing how Rodney had been looking at her. "If her says he loves yer, don't believe him."
"No?" Reet asked. "Who does he love then?"
"Himself," Diane stated.
"Diane!" Rodney said through gritted teeth as Reet chuckled.
"I'm only speaking the truth," Diane protested.
"By the way," Reet interrupted, trying to stifle the giggles. "You look very familiar. Didn't yer used to be Fiona Middleton's mother?"
"Not me, pet," Diane replied shaking her head. "Sorry."
"Afternoon, Rodney," a shifty-looking man said as he grinned inanely.
"Eric," Rodney said cheerfully then led Reet to a table.
"That the fella trying to ruin yer?" Reet asked, eyeing up the illustrious Mr Pollard.
Rodney nodded. "Only he came through with the planning permission so I'm rich." Reet tried not to be too overjoyed at that news so kept off the subject.
"He looks familiar an' all," she said. "Yer know, I'm sure he were in one of them porn films Derek Wilton were watching when I called round one night, but always denied he ever had."
"Nothing would surprise me about Eric," Rodney replied squinting.
"Well, I'm glad he came through for yer in the end," Reet told him with a twinkle in her eye. "Ta for the drink. Now I really must be off or I'll miss me boat. See yer soon, Rodney."
"I'd like that," he smiled, wondering if she was the rich widow he'd mentioned to Danny last week who'd look after his body.
She left and returned to her car. She got her mobile out and dialled.
"Ken, I've got another job for yer. Village of Emmerdale. Aye, Yorkshire. Oh, stop whining. It's not flaming Mars, yer know! Name's Rodney Blackstock. Greying hair with a thing round his neck who fancies himself summat rotten. Yeah. Had the cheek to get planning permission. What? No. This is purely revenge for doing me out of some money. But as I'm away you'll have to manage this one on yer own. Think yer can handle that? Great. Have fun and I'll see yer in two weeks."

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 56

A few days later while Reet was away as usual, Linda decided to have a little fun with her ex-hubby to pass the time She waited in the Rovers with her pint and roll-ups until the factory girls came in to get pissed before the afternoon shift, then headed towards Underworld. She smiled when she saw his car parked outside and entered the building. She spotted Mike on the phone in the office and barged straight in.
"I'll have to call you back," he told the caller and hung up. "Get out of my office!"
Linda tutted. "Now, now, Mike. Remember yer blood pressure. Don't want yer having another heart attack, do we?"
"Why not, when you hate me so much?" he squinted.
"I won't get what yer owe me with yer dead, will I?" she remarked. "
You're not getting one penny off me," he boomed.
"Oh, I will," she replied confidently. "Not while there's breath in my body," he warned.
"Well, that won't be for much longer," she retorted.
"What's that supposed to mean, you evil bitch?" he asked angrily.
"Let's face it, Mike," she began calmly. "Yer've already got one foot in the grave. Only a matter of time before the other one joins it. I've waited this long. I can wait a bit longer."
"Get out!" he yelled, feeling his blood pressure rising.
"By the way, congratulations," she said. "Where's yer bride to be? Haven't seen her around for a few days."
"None of your business," he snapped.
"Bit off, in't it? Yer announce yer wedding then she vanishes," she observed. "Done her in, have yer?"
"No, I have not!" he yelled. "She's on holiday. I didn't want it this way. It's in her contract. Bloody writers. They always do this. Soon as they start a half-decent storyline, one or both of those involved disappears for a while. Pity they can't do the same with the crap ones instead of giving them more airtime than those of us who've been here decades. I've been criminally underused since you swanned off."
"Yeah, well, I'm back now to give yer summat to do so yer should be grateful," she pointed out, unmoved by his moaning.
"Grateful?!" he yelled. "I'd rather be ignored by them than suffer you again."
"Tough," she said. "So, got a date set for the wedding of the year?"
"Why?" he squinted.
"Gonna cause trouble, are you?"
"Wouldn't dream of it," she replied.
"That'd make a change," he stated.
"Trying to prove summat, are yer?" Linda added.
"Eh?" he frowned. "Yer can't tell me it's a coincidence yer announce yer getting wed to the first woman available only a couple of days after sleeping with Ken," she said.
"You don't know what you're talking about," he snapped.
"Mind you," Linda continued, enjoying every minute of this. "That Reet always struck me as stupid and desperate."
"You know nothing about her," he defended his great love. "You weren't around long enough last time to get to know her all that well."
"Wouldn't want to," Linda said matter-of-factly. "She's welcome to yer anyroad. Just hope she's used to being disappointed when her fella can't even raise a smile."
"I don't recall you ever being disappointed," he said frankly. "That's because I never told yer," she smirked. "Didn't want to dent yer ego. But ask yerself why I preferred Mark." He bristled at that comment and squinted again. "So, I take it yer must be dosing yerself up on viagra to get anywhere with that ugly old bag," Linda went on.
"Viagra? With my heart condition?" he gasped, hand on his chest. "It'd kill me. And no, I don't need any. Reet's a very sexy, gorgeous woman. The only help needed are thoughts to stop you embarrassing yourself in her scintillating company. Just looking at her is such a turn on."
"I don't believe yer," Linda said, pulling a face at that image. "I know yer better than she ever will and always know when yer trying to save face. Don't worry, Mike. I won't tell her about yer love for Ken. Yer secret's safe with me." She winked and let herself out.
Mike collapsed in the chair, heart pounding, wishing Reet was here and his ex-wife wasn't.

Another few days later in the Rovers, Mike was on his mobile. "I wish you were here," he was telling Reet." "Oh, Linda. Does she ever do anything other than try and stir things? I can handle her. Yes, I'm sure. I know you can't help being away. Bloody typical timing of the writers! You'll have to have more words when you get back. Another week without you. I don't know how I'll manage. No, I don't mean Linda. I mean not being near you." At that moment Audrey walked in. "I've never loved anyone as much as I love you, Reet. Well, I'm counting the seconds until I have you again. Yes. The date's all sorted. The day after you return. Convenient cancellation. Is that too soon?" He grinned as Audrey's face set in stone. "Not soon enough for me either. Oh, you've got to go? Mavis has badgered you into doing what? Volleyball and belly dancing? Don't knacker yourself. Yes, I know you should be saying that to me. I promise to be in perfect condition when you come back and we'll make up for lost time. Well, have fun anyway getting your own back on Mavis for this. And think of me when all those young hunks are chatting you up. Love you. Bye."
"Hello, Mike," Audrey finally said, forcing a grin.
"Oh, hi. Can I get you a drink?" he asked as he put his phone in his pocket. "I'll have a gin and tonic please, ta," she replied. "That Reet, were it?"
He beamed. "It was. I'm a very lucky man."
"Mike, I'm begging yer. Dump her. Don't go through with this wedding," she pleaded.
"Why not?" he chuckled. "We love each other."
"She doesn't love you," she spat. "It's yer bank balance that one loves. Just like all them others she got her hooks into."
"Don't be ridiculous," he snorted. "Ridiculous am I, eh?" she said. "What about Archie? Les? Alan? Ken's cousin, eh? All rich. All dead after marrying her."
"But they were all accidents," he defended.
"Convenient though, eh?" Audrey cocked an eyebrow.
"Coincidence," he countered.
"And what about all her lovers, eh?" Audrey added desperately, determined to get through to him. "Why hasn't she married any of them? No money, that's why."
"I'm not listening to any more of this rubbish," he stood.
"It's not rubbish," she grabbed his arm. "Ask the writers for a script. You'll see I'm right."
"You know as well as I do they aren't written yet," he snapped, shrugging her off. His eyes narrowed. "And I thought you were a friend."
"I am!" she shrieked. "That's why I don't want anything to happen to yer."
"No, you're not," he replied angrily. "Otherwise you'd be pleased I've found happiness at last and the meaning of true contentment. They're all right about you, Audrey. You're insane." He walked out leaving her frustrated and not understanding why he wouldn't listen.
Linda had been watching from a booth and smirked that, despite Reet's enforced absence, Mike was still 100% sucked in and everything was going according to plan. She saw Norris approach Audrey with his sweet sherry and carried on earwigging.
"Still trying to cause trouble I see," he noted.
"I've got to stop her even if no one else will," she vowed.
"Why don't you just stop all this nonsense, Audrey?" he asked. "It's obvious Mike and Reet love each other. Just like Reet and all the others did. You'll get nowhere without proof." She rounded on him.
"I'd have proof if she hadn't paid yer off in some way."
"She hasn't paid me off in anyway," he defended.
Audrey rose to her full height. "Didn't yer tell me yer wanted custody of yer daughter so she wouldn't grow up under Reet's influence, eh?"
"Nonsense," he scoffed. "Reet's a wonderful mother and I couldn't wish for a better one looking after my child. Why would I want to take the baby away from her?"
Audrey was deflated. "I don't understand yer, Norris. I don't really," she said, shaking her head. "Yer say things then deny it. She's done summat to yer. I don't know what, and may never find out. But I WILL stop her marrying Mike. She's not back for another week which gives me plenty of time to work on him."
Norris was about to speak but she stormed off leaving him to sip his sherry.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 57

A week later it was the day of Reet's return. Audrey had been getting more and more frustrated at Mike's reluctance to listen to her and dump Reet before it was too late. She was also still getting nowhere with Norris, and couldn't understand why he was turning down the chance to be nosy. It just wasn't like him to mind his own business. Meanwhile, as Audrey was stomping away from Mike's flat after another failed attempt, Linda was on her way up. She rang the bell and the door swung open.
"I told you to clear off cos I ain't listening to any more of your rubbish!" Mike shouted, thinking it was Audrey back again. "Well, that applies to you too," he added and tried closing the door. "Get your foot out!"
"I want to talk to yer," Linda said. "Five minutes, then I'll go."
"What about?" he squinted.
"It's private," was all she'd say.
He thought for a moment then let go of the handle. "Five minutes and not a second longer."
She followed him in and sat down. "Reet not back yet?"
"That's none of your business," he snapped.
"Aww," she went on. "I bet yer counting the minutes."
"What if I am?" he said. "Nothing to do with you."
"It's all so sickly I'm having to stop meself throwing up at the thought of yer being all slushy and romantic. Yer were never that way with me. I could get quite offended if I've a mind to."
"Do yer blame me?" he asked. "I know now I never loved you any more than you loved me. It was my money you were after and like an old fool, I was easily flattered and got taken in by long legs and a pretty face."
"Which Reet has none of," she remarked. "Your height, riddled with cellulite and a face like a horse's backside."
"How DARE you talk about the woman I love like that!" he yelled. "Get out!"
Linda checked her watch. "Me five minutes aren't up yet."
"I've just wound the clock forward," he replied.
"Not yet," she smirked. "I haven't said what I've come to."
"Then get on with it and go," he demanded then swigged his scotch. "
It's about your Mark," she told him enigmatically. "What about him?" he squinted again. "I hope you've not got your grubby claws into him again."
She stood. "Better than that, Mike," she said, patting his chest. "I'm his wife."
Mike paled. "What? You can't be."
"I am," she beamed. "And what's more, we've made yer a grandad."
Mike didn't hear the key in the lock but Linda did and raised an eyebrow.
"Mike? I'm back. Have yer missed me?" Reet called cheerfully and stopped dead when she saw him slumped in the chair with Linda standing over him. "What's she doing here?"
"Just leaving," Linda said. "See yer, Mike. Oh, and good luck for tomorrow."
Mike said nothing as she walked past Reet and winked. Reet gave her a knowing nod then got back into her acting as soon as the door closed. She rushed over to her husband-to-be, hoping whatever Linda had said wouldn't do her out of her millions before he had a chance to change the will in her favour.
"Mike? What's happened, love?"
He remained rigid, staring into space. "Linda's just told me she's married to Mark and had his son," he told her shocked.
"What?!" Reet gasped. "I don't understand. She's been back now, how long? And she only sees fit to tell yer about this now? What's she playing at?"
"Trying to kill me, that's what," he said bitterly. "She thinks I did her out of money when I threw her out, even though she spent more than any settlement during our marriage. She says she doesn't want me dead otherwise she'll not get anything. But keeps trying to give me a heart attack when you're not around."
"Oh, Mike," Reet breathed, putting her arm around him and pulling him to her bosom. "I won't let that evil cow do anything to yer. I'll look after yer. You'll be safe with me."
He looked up. "How can you be so sure?"
"Because this is my programme," she replied, stroking his face. "I'll just order those jokes who call themselves writers to write her out or I'll sack 'em. Trust me."
He smiled. "I'm so glad I'm marrying you."
Not as much as I am, she thought. They snogged then embraced, him smiling out of happiness and a wonderful future and Reet smiling at her inheritance and yet another wonderful funeral to attend.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 58

The following day in Mike's flat. "Wakey, wakey," he grinned, carrying a tray.
Reet stirred. "What's all this?"
"Breakfast in bed for my blushing bride on her big day," he replied, feeling on top of the world.
Reet lifted the covers. "Blushing? Where?"
He quickly put the tray down. "Ooh, can I have a look?"
"No, yer can't!" she shrieked, slapping his hands away.
"Why not? It's not as if I haven't seen it all before," he commented.
"I know yer have," she replied, grabbing the lapels of his robe and pulling him closer. "Now, what was that you were saying about breakfast in bed?" she asked coquettishly, raising an eyebrow. He grinned.

A couple of hours later, Reet was dressed and at the door. "
I don't see why we can't leave for the registry office together," Mike said.
"Because it's meant to be bad luck to see each other before then," she told him.
"But we've already seen plenty of each other so far today," he remarked.
"I know we have," she said coyly. "But it's tradition. And I'm a traditional girl at heart."
"You're a lot of other things too," he said smoothly, slipping his arms around her waist.
"Flatterer," she smiled. "I've got to go. I'll see yer at two."
"Okay," he said disappointed. "Don't be late."
"Bride's privilege," she said. "That's tradition an' all."
"All right," he conceded. "But not by much."
"Promise," she smiled then kissed him. "Thanks for breakfast in bed."
"My pleasure," he beamed. "Mine an' all," she smiled. "I really don't know what that Linda were talking about. Yer not lousy in bed at all."
He stepped back. "Linda?" he squinted.
Oh bugger, she thought. "Yes," she replied, trying to think quickly which wasn't easy when she was counting pounds in her head. "She came up to me one day in the pub after we announced our engagement, Trying to stir it as always. I took no notice."
"Best thing where she's concerned," he said. "Right, see you in..." he glanced at his watch. "Three hours, forty seven minutes and twenty eight seconds then."
"I'll be there," she assured. "You can count on it. Wouldn't miss marrying yer for anything. Bye, love."
They snogged passionately then she let herself out, breathing a huge sigh of relief she'd managed to bluff her way out of the slip about Linda, and drove back to her penthouse to get ready.

Half past one and there was a knock at the door. "Entaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar," Reet commanded. Norris and Ken walked in. "Ah," she said, clasping her hands. "My lovely bridesmaids."
"Like it?" Ken asked, giving a twirl to show off his satin mini-dress and bandy legs.
"Perfect," Reet smiled.
"I didn't want to upstage the bride," he replied.
"I should think not," she admonished. "Today is the day when everyone's eyes are on me and my infinite beauty."
"Again," Norris noted flatly.
"And Norris," she said, ignoring that remark even though it was true. "You do look sweet."
"Maybe," he sniffed. "But this corset's killing me."
"Join the club, sweetie," Ken piped in. "How do you think my stomach's become a six-pack?"
"Ahh," Reet began wistfully. "The things we girls do for beauty."
"I don't do anything and I'm not a girl," Norris stated.
"So we noticed," Reet retorted. "Though I'm sure with some artistic licence, that could be arranged. Yer could be another Hayley and really be called Doris."
"Do I have to wear these flowers on my head?" Norris continued, ignoring her now.
"Ooh, 'ark at her," Ken piped up. "You should be honoured Reet wanted you as a bridesmaid at all, so stop complaining about everything."
"Yes, you do," she told Norris firmly, nodding at Ken's words. "They were going to be in yer hair like Ken here, but yer haven't got any." Ken started giggling.
"Not my fault," Norris defended.
"Perhaps not," Reet replied. "But as me handmaiden yer do as I say or else. Understood?"
"Perfectly," he intoned. "I'll wear the satin frock. But please may I get rid of the flowers?"
"No, yer can't!" she snapped.
"Ooh, you are awful," Ken said then slapped Norris on the chest, making him collapse in a heap on the sofa. "But I like you."
Reet burst out laughing while Norris remained stony-faced. "I don't think that's particularly funny," he told them.
"No, but we do," Reet chuckled. "Right, let's go so I can get wed. And I want to hear no more whinging from you, Norris or I'll shove them flowers down yer throat."

At the registry office, Reet was chuffed her knicker magnate had turned up. As well as all that cash she couldn't wait to get her manicured paws on, free undies for life was an added bonus.
"If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace," the registrar was saying as Reet and Mike grinned at each other.
"I do!" they heard and looked round to see Audrey. "She's a murderer who killed her last husband, or husbands, and will kill Mike too if she's not stopped!" Reet collapsed in shock.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 59

At the registry office, Reet was out cold on the carpet.
"Give her some air," Mike ordered to the guests who'd crowded around. "Reet? Reet?"
She began to come round. "Mike? What happened?"
"I did," Audrey replied proudly. "You're evil. Preying on rich men. No wonder people call yer the Black Widow of Weatherfield."
"Clear off!" Mike yelled as he helped Reet up.
"She's barmy!" Reet shrieked. "I LOVED Archie. You DUMPED him. Yer only doing this out of jealousy because he came back and wanted me and not you."
"Yer didn't love him!" Audrey barked, pointing at her. "All yer loved were his MONEY!"
"Yer talking rubbish as usual," Reet snapped back.
Suddenly Audrey felt herself being grabbed. "What's going on? Let me go!" "
Come on, love," one of the men said as they dragged her out. "Let's do this quietly, eh?"
"Get off me!" she demanded.
"Where are you taking her?" Norris asked.
"Oh, NOW yer decide to be nosy!" Audrey shrilled in disbelief.
"She's being sectioned," the other man said.
"Sectioned?" Norris wondered.
"Good!" Reet said. "She wants locking up."
"YOU did this!" Audrey accused. "Don't think this is the end of it, Reet, cos it isn't. I'll be back!"
"Oh, shurrup, Audrey," Reet snapped. "Yer only proving they're right to lock yer up and hopefully throw away the key. And stop quoting Arnold Schwarzenegger."
"It were Paul Darrow who said it first," Audrey pointed out. "And I will be. It's not the end. Far from it. And if Mike had any sense he'd cancel this farce of a wedding and get as far away from yer as possible before yer kill him too!" And with that, she was gone.
"Are you okay?" Mike asked, gently touching Reet's arm.
"I will be," she said, pleased she'd put in yet another award-winning performance and still had what it takes despite what the writers and various producers thought. "Do yer want to call it off?"
"Not on your life," he told her. "We're getting married to show everyone how much we love each other. They'll all soon forget about Audrey's ravings when the writers give them amnesia again."
Reet smiled. "That's true. Thank you," she added quietly and kissed him. "But first I need to pop to the gents. Won't be a tick," he said.
"You are coming back?" she asked, trying to keep the panic out of her voice.
"Course," he chuckled. "Just too much coffee after you'd left. I'll be a couple of minutes. Don't go away."
"No chance of that," she said. She watched him leave, comforted by the guests after Audrey's outburst and was relieved when he returned. "Right," he beamed. "Where were we?"

And so they were married. They held their reception in the penthouse to save money. Mike had already moved his stuff in by artistic licence since, as he'd married an extremely wealthy widow, he intended to enjoy every luxury that went with it. She slipped into one of the many rooms and took out The Secret Diary of Rita Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley-Barlow-Battersby-Shuttleworth-Baldwin, aged 497 in dog years, so thank goodness I'm not a dog or I'd be dead rather than immortal, and I'll deal with anyone who dares call me a bitch and wrote: Got hitched. Am Mrs Michael Vernon Baldwin the 5th - and last as far as that Cockney pillock's concerned. Audrey created a stink as I knew she would. Good job I'd ordered the writers to write in those blokes to come disguised as guests so she'd be carted off. It's wonderful to be such a sexy, gorgeous, multi-award-winning megastar who's also got brains as well as beauty. His money's all mine!!!!! Oh, I know the deal is I split half of it with Linda, but I'm working on a way so I get to keep the lot. Watch this space... Good idea of hers though having me snare Mike. I certainly never thought of it. All that money right under my nose for the past 27 years. I must be slipping! I thank Linda for correcting that discrepancy. No doubt she'll be nagging at me to dispatch him soon. Stupid bitch. She seems to be under the impression becoming a very wealthy widow while remaining a gorgeous sexbomb is easy. She should try it sometime! Oh well. Have to do some more of my brilliant acting to convince him I'm the loving and dutiful little woman he married and fell in love with until his end comes. It will be a perfectly natural end to his life at a time most convenient to me and no one else. I'll give that Linda short shrift if she tries telling me otherwise. She closed the diary and put it away then returned to her adoring hubby as he whisked her off to Portugal for a golfing honeymoon.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 60

At Barbara Knox International airport the following week, Reet was waiting by the carousel for her luggage. She took her compact and lipstick out of her 80s clutch bag to touch up her face. When she'd done, she grinned happily at her reflection then put them away. After getting someone to put her bags onto a trolley, she went through customs, got in a taxi and returned to The Kabin.
"Ahh, here come the happy honeymooners," Norris greeted cheerfully.
"Pay the taxi," she ordered. "O-of course," he said and obeyed as always. Once he'd paid he returned inside. "Where's Mike?" Reet burst into tears. "Aww, you haven't had a row, have you?" he asked. She shook her head. "Is he at the factory?" She silently shook her head again. "Then where is he?" Norris wondered.
"They did it to me again, Norris," she wailed. "He's deeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaad." She buried her face in his shoulder.
"Not again," he said in disbelief. "Aren't they ever going to let me be happy?" she asked muffled. "
Sorry? I didn't quite catch that," he told her.
She raised her head. "I said, aren't they ever going to let me be happy!" she snapped. "I always knew yer were an ignorant peasant."
"Well, there's no need to be like that, Reet," he admonished, taken aback. "But I'll let it pass due to your obvious distress at this unhappy time."
"I'm sorry, Norris," she whimpered, returning to her brilliant acting. "What happened this time?" he asked.
"He had a heart attack on the golf course after we'd..." she began, then realised she didn't want to give too much away. She sighed heavily. "I'm going up to the flat and I don't want to be disturbed. Bring my bags then cheer me up by showing how much profit you've made in my absence."
"Okay, Reet," he said and did as bidden.

Later that night, news of Mike's death spread rapidly around the cobbles with a little help from Norris. On hearing it, Linda slipped out and walked down Rosamund Street towards The Kabin. "It's me," she told Reet through the intercom and was buzzed up. "You did it then," Linda grinned as she walked through the door. "That was quicker than I expected."
"I did nowt," Reet replied innocently, guzzling from a Nebuchadnezzar of vodka. "Not my fault he had a heart attack on the golf course after a night of passion. He knew Viagra wasn't needed with my gorgeous body around but he insisted so we could keep going all week. So he got some on the black market."
"He knew he shouldn't have had that with his heart condition," Linda pointed out. "I even told you that."
"I know," Reet acknowledged then belched loudly. "Turned out it weren't Viagra at all but Ecstasy tablets. Stupid bugger."
"Aren't they both blue?" Linda asked.
"Search me," Reet shrugged. "All I know is his sexual prowess after he took one didn't leave either of us ecstatic. Should be done under the trades description act. Buggered up his handicap so he was not a happy Cockney."
Linda couldn't help but smile at that image. "So, when's the funeral?" she asked trying to get off the subject of Mike's bedroom antics.
"Soon as I'm able to get it sorted," Reet told her. "Could be days or weeks. Who knows? These things take time, yer know. All that traipsing round the shops trying to find just the right outfit. Flamin' nightmare!"
"You're paying for summat?" Linda asked shocked.
"Course not," Reet snorted. "Wardrobe will. Do yer think I'm daft?"
"I did wonder if they'd given yer a personality transplant in yer absence," Linda explained.
"I'd like to see them try," Reet said. "They dare attempt owt like that, and I'll come down on them like a literal ton of bricks. You'll get the invite to the funeral, don't worry. Then we'll come back here for a massive celebration after. And no, I'm not paying for that either. Canteen staff can rustle up some cheap crap."
"I'll look forward to that," Linda beamed. "The funeral that is, not the food. So, burial or cremation?"
"Cremation of course!" Reet shrieked. "I'm not visiting anyone's bones, ta very much. Cost of box, handles, plaque, plot, headstone and time? Sod that. Paper coffin, burnt then chucked away with the rest of the rubbish. As soon as the cash comes through, you'll get your share."
Linda brightened. "Look forward to that probably even more." "We're in the money," Reet sang and Linda joined in. "We're in the money. We've got a lot of what it takes to get along."

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 61

A few days later it was Mike's funeral. Reet decided since she now had her own undertaker's, there was no point leaving it too long, thus holding up profit from other funerals. She was also anxious to get her mitts on his money and get rid of Linda once and for all, so the sooner the better. She admired herself in the mirror as she put on her new black hat and pulled down the veil. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the most gorgeous, irresistible, sexy, man-magnet of them all? And give me the right answer or..." "
Can I come in?" a voice interrupted.
"...I'll smash yer over that idiot's bald head," she continued to the mirror.
"Reet Baldwin of course," the mirror replied. "So stop asking me stupid questions when you've programmed me to always say it's you, and making pointless threats."
"Oh, shurrup!" she snapped, lip curled at the cheek of the thing.
"Come here, peasant," she commanded Norris who duly trotted over.
"Yes, Reet?" She removed the mirror from the wall, turned round smiling and brought it down hard on his head.
"What was that for?" he asked from the floor.
"Because yer barged in without knocking," she barked. "I might have been starkers!"
"I didn't think," he said, rubbing his head.
"That's cos yer not a genius like me, so thinking's an alien concept to yer." she remarked.
"So, what do yer want?" "I came to see if you were all right," he told her as he started to get up.
"It's nowt to do with you whether I'm all right or not," she yelled, pushing him back down.
"What are you doing?" he blustered.
"I didn't give yer permission to get yer backside off the floor," she told him.
"Sorry," he said quietly.
"So yer should be," she replied firmly. "You look very nice as always," he commented.
"I look very nice?!" she shrieked, trying to show she wasn't flattered. "I'm going to a funeral, not a flamin' garden party!"
"By the way," he began. "I also came up to tell you the cars are here."
"What?!" she yelled. "Why didn't yer just say that in the first place instead of letting me enjoy meself?"
"Sorry," he pouted, feeling he could do no right today.
She grabbed her bag and rushed to the door. "Gerrup, get downstairs and make me loads of money," she ordered before running down the stairs. She composed herself at the door, thought of spending money to make her cry then let herself out.

At the crematorium, every resident was there to pay their last respects to the Cockney king. The vicar droned on about what a kind, generous, selfless and loving man Mike had been much to everyone's amusement. Reet did her acting down the front, sobbing loudly throughout the eulogy, mainly so she didn't have to hear the vicar's ignorance and tell him he should buy a Ritanation Street book to read up on Mike's past. Linda sat near the back smirking, happy he was dead and she was finally getting a share of his millions.
Ken got up to speak. "So, Baldwin's dead before we could have another falling out. Bitch. Still, we had some great fights over the years. Did anyone know his hands were as soft as a baby's bum? I'm sure he'd often cadge Reet's hand lotion." Reet nodded sadly. "Hairspray too no doubt," Ken went on. Reet gave a little smile. "Contrary to popular opinion," he continued, "I didn't hate Baldwin. Far from it. I loved him. And if things had been different, he'd have married me instead of Susan, Jackie, Alma, Linda and Reet. I even begged him to let me be his 'housekeeper' instead of Bet, but he wasn't interested. Unrequited lust is a terrible thing." He went over and hugged the coffin. Goodbye, Baldwin. Maybe in the next life, sweetie." Ken stood down and sat back beside Reet. She touched his arm in reassurance as he blubbed.
"Would anyone else like to say a few words?" asked the vicar.
"I would," a voice replied. Everyone looked round. "I have a lot to say about the life and death of Michael Vernon Baldwin."
Reet collapsed in shock when she saw Mike walking down the aisle towards the coffin, puffing on a fat cigar.

To be continued...

[RitaLittlewood]

Part 62

Ken waved a scented hankie under Reet's nose. "Reet?"
Reet opened her eyes and started spluttering. "Ugh! Old Spice!"
Ken straightened. "I may have been if the writers had let me be myself ages ago then I could have auditioned."
"I meant the pong!" she barked. "What am I doing on the floor?"
"I returned from the dead," Mike informed her, giving that irritating grin.
Ken left Reet and gave Mike a bear hug. "It's a miracle!" he declared joyously. "I'm so glad you're alive!"
"So I gathered," Mike said flatly. "I heard your eulogy. And you can get any ideas like that out of your head."
"But, Mike," Ken sniffed. "You know we're good together. We proved it that night."
The congregation gasped while Mike shifted uncomfortably. "You're off your head, Barlow. Stop having these fantasies. It's unhealthy."
"Mike," Ken implored, clutching his hand tightly. "It's the most natural thing in the world."
"Not with you it ain't," Mike snapped, snatching his hand away. "Man, woman or lava lamp. They'd all have to be desperate to have anything to do with you. Now sod off."
Ken looked at Mike for a few seconds with tears in his eyes, then ran out bawling, his heart broken.
Mike turned his attention back to Reet. "Need a hand?"
"I think it's the least yer can do since it's your fault I'm on the floor in the first place," she spat angrily. He helped her up. "Look at the state of me," she said as she dusted herself down.
"I am," he replied.
"I'm a mess," she continued.
"You're not wrong there," he remarked.
"Oh, shurrup, yer flamin' Cockney weasel!" she said, looking daggers at him "Why aren't yer dead?"
"I wondered when you'd ask me that," he said, puffing his cigar.
"I don't understand any of this," Reet said, shaking her head. "We got wed then yer had a heart attack on the golf course."
"Apparently not," he observed cheerfully.
"Well, I can see that!" she shrieked. "Yer supposed to be in that coffin! You've been killed off!"
"Sorry to disappoint you, Reet, but I haven't," he told her frankly. "We never got married either so it looks like I had a narrow escape."
"What do yer mean, we never got married?" she asked. "Course we did."
Mike shook his head. "The writers are so fed up with you throwing your weight around, they decided to teach you a lesson."
"What?" her face fell.
"They gave me some time off so they could fix you once and for all," he chuckled.
"How?" she croaked, heckles rising at this betrayal.
"You married a look-a-like," he explained.
"I went to the toilet after Audrey's outburst, remember?" She nodded. "Well, while I flew off to Florida, he took my place. Therefore the marriage isn't legal and neither is my will change. Oh, and before I forget. I've been given protection against any more of your tricks in case you try and snare me again."
"Those flamin' writers!" she yelled. "I'll have them for this."
"That won't be easy where you're going," he said.
"Where's that?" she asked, worried.
"Prison," they heard Audrey say triumphantly.
"How the hell did you get out?" Reet gasped.
"The writers," Reet and Audrey said in unison as Reet nodded in realisation.
"Flamin' backstabbers!" Reet barked. "I gave them all jobs. All those Brookie refugees too. They're all too crap to write for proper telly. And this is how they repay me??"
Mike indicated with his finger and Reet watched helplessly as several policemen entered.
"This isn't the end of it," she warned through hooded eyes as the handcuffs were put on. "This is MY programme! They can't axe ME! I'll get them. And I'll get you two an' all!"
Mike chuckled and Audrey smiled smugly as Reet was led away. Linda panicked and slipped out after them.
"Well," Mike grinned. "That's the end of her."
"I hope so, Mike," Audrey replied, frowning. "I sincerely hope so."
"The writers are back in control now," Mike assured. "There's no way they'll let her come back. She's more trouble than Bet, and that's some doing. No. We've definitely seen the last of Rita Littlewood-Fairclough-Sullivan-Jojita-Bradley-Barlow-Battersby-Shuttleworth. They'll lock her up for crimes against television and its employees and throw away the key."

To be continued...